Things are very different

Pancho’s mornings had already settled into a usual order. This consisted of waking up, followed by the usual bathroom activities, getting dressed and having breakfast. Despite Pancho being well used to this daily ritual he managed to have a slight hiccup on one occasion.
In his usual automated movement patterns, his trousers and shirt made their way onto his body. Buttons done up, shirt tucked in and belt fastened, only his zip remained. This scene Pancho decided was worth mentioning due to its frequent appearance in comical film productions. He had never believed that an incident so dreadful was physically feasible. That morning his naïve beliefs were corrected by one of those lessons only life can provide. As one may imagine, doing up the zip of one’s trousers is normally quite a simple procedure. One hand grabs the zip, the other the trousers and before one has had time to think about it, the zip is closed and the world is one’s oyster. This action is not often prone to malfunction. Having completed this tricky feat approximately 20000 times in his life without any major incident*, any arising issue could well lead to a life changing accident. Luckily, that morning life decided to give Pancho nothing more than a very sharp warning. Things were not to be taken too lightly; especially activities appearing mindlessly simple. Anything more than this shock and close escape, could have ended Pancho’s adventure in Thailand with one swift movement.
None the less, Pancho did actually survive this incident and was later introduced to one of the classes he had not taught yet. Friday’s was already his most busy day with 4 classes to teach. This was not an easy feat considering how much energy one class of 40 students took. To Pancho’s dismay this class was a tad larger than he had imagined. After the first 40 students had trickled into the room he began to teach. Teaching in this case is whatever he could do without the means of a blackboard or proper classroom (they were in a meeting hall without tables or chairs). The flow of students did not quite subside either. Within 10 minutes, Pancho was finally allowed to witness the full extent of what teaching this period would entail. 130 students in the last period, on a Friday, in a room without fans, tables, or chairs. Luckily a whiteboard had been swiftly brought forth. Explaining things without speaking Thai and without the possibility of drawing to communicate was absolutely impossible. Considering the size of this class, their lack of commitment and the relatively high sound level he did however with the help of the whiteboard eventually manage to convey a few simple concepts. In his thoroughly educated opinion, Pancho wondered whether this class was not better off having the afternoon off.
After mastering these stupendous hurdles, the weekend ahead seemed positively liberating, despite not know what to do with himself.
Pancho was not to worry however. In his wisdom he knew that something would creep up, as it always did in Thailand. This was even the case when he intended to go to sleep and did not want to do anything at all.
This time, he was eagerly invited by Pinball to play football. This second match he was allowed to take part in was quite a fun affair. The villagers and Thai people in general had an excellent set of skills on the ball; however Pancho could not help but notice a coherent lack of any tactical discipline throughout the game. Being one who excelled in intelligent and effective play and not trickery, Pancho naturally found it challanging to singularly guide the ball through the entire opposite team and then to forward it into the tiny goal that was guarded by what seemed to be 3 goalkeepers.
This second match however his skills had lost some of their rustiness, to the point of assisting in the revenge of his team’s previous defeat (1:3). A strong comeback after being two goals down warranted a final victory of 3:2.
What actually caught Pancho’s highly observant self however was the animal grazing at the side of the pitch. In the first instant an uneducated fellow might have mistaken it for a very large and strangely shaped thing. Pancho’s discerning eye however identified this beast in less than an instant. Despite standing on 4 legs as wide as trees and being a decidedly young specimen it was still taller than him. Calmly it fed itself grass with its long trunk while seeming to constantly have smile upon its face. Remarkable how an animal could consistently look so good humored while being herded by a human not even a 10th its size. In case any of you readers have not been able to guess the magical creature mentioned here, it was an elephant.
Apart from being very active on the sporting field and teaching the young minds of Punee and surroundings, Pancho also was frequently, always without previous warning, whisked away. Often it was even a mystery to him where or for what intent he was being taken.
In one instance for example Pancho had played a gentlemanly match of Badminton with his Father’s friend, when he was informed that somebody was going to travel to the next biggest village. Due to his not so fluent Thai Pancho did not quite comprehend who was going there or for what reason. It turned out that after some waiting around (he did a lot of this in Thailand) he was to accompany his father’s friend (Zed) and his family to dinner.
By now Pancho had gotten used to these eventualities and did not mind not being able to plan ahead. It did cut into his time of repose frequently however, as he was often invited to multiple engagements, each obviously without his knowledge.
This occasion with Zed, his wife and his son was a tasty dinner of Thai duck and Thai fried chicken. It must be highlighted that this style of fried chicken was not anything one is used to in the west. In fact it was so hard and crispy that Pancho was not sure whether he was actually eating the meat or the bones. Despite this understandable ignorance one could call the meal quite tasty. Additionally, in good old Thai tradition (as Pancho had come to know) Zed had brought a bottle of Whiskey (actually brandy, but everything was called whiskey). Zed, having a sore throat did not partake in this ritual while Pancho decided to have the drink without the obligatory soda water and ice. He felt like actually being able to use his developed taste in brandies to judge this one (the best Thailand had to offer).
Pancho however, not being able to taste much quickly discovered that there was a good reason for drinking brandy with soda water while eating. This was especially the case in north eastern Thailand where dishes tended to be especially fiery. This keen discovery was that when in pain with the heat of at least 20 chilies, an undiluted beverage such as brandy tended to amplify sensations significantly. So much for alcohol dulling pain. Soon Pancho was struggling to eat or drink anything else than ice cold water. His mouth interestingly felt as if his gums had been chafed raw.
Smiling politely Pancho thanked his host as was appropriate and soon after, having been delivered back home quickly disappeared into his room in order to avoid any other unplanned excursions.
In the peace and quiet of his private living quarters Pancho could lean back and intellectually engage with the subject of Thai culture. As an educated man Pancho frequently enjoyed such pass times in order to keep his mind sharp and focused.
The Thai culture, as he had experienced, had some fascinating nuances that seemed quite contrasting to a foreigner such as him. On one side there was the presence of the Buddhist religion (except for the Muslim south Thailand). This religion, represented primarily by its monks was filled with an ancient wisdom very close to the ideals of scientific thought. Observing the basics, this religion managed to unite the way of thinking in science with the concept of being a human in an “imperfect” world. What was more, the Buddhist religion in many cases lacked clouding fundamentalism frequently found in the monotheistic religions. Pancho rather valued these conceptual ways of thinking. However he argued, as it was with any religion, many people believed without understanding where these beliefs stemmed from. And it was no different with many Thai people. One could have such an amazing collection of wisdom on one’s doorstep and yet at the same time literally be scared of ghosts and other sorts of conjectures. Pancho mused about peoples’ minds when they asked him whether he was scared of ghosts. But it was another question that struck him as a wondrously unfamiliar attitude.
The conversation began quite innocently one may say.
“Do you have a King in your country?”
There not being any King in the country that was considered Pancho’s, he answered honestly.
“No” At this point, due to the likely ignorance of some readers it must be explained that the King in Thailand has the supreme status above everything else. He is literally loved by every Thai. Pancho had not met any exceptions yet and doubted that he would.
The question that ensued from his reply completely threw Pancho. He had not even suspected the possibility of being able to think such a strange thought.
“But who does everybody love then?”
At that point, if one listened closely one could quite possibly hear Pancho’s brain cranking up from idle standby to 10% capacity (this bringing up operational intelligence to what would normally be considered a phenomenal genius).
Pancho quickly conjured up a reply that satisfied his need for subtle diplomacy.
“Our head of state is the president”
This answer adeptly threw his conversational partner off course and made further discussion of such a dangerous topic fall flat.
Matters of the King could be a dangerous topic of conversation when one was not of the same opinion.


* Calculation: Having lived 18 years since being able to do up zips, minus 4 years for the amount of button up trousers worn, times 365 for each day of the year, times 4 for the occasion of going to the toilet or having to zip up an undone zip in a day, roughly rounded, equals 20000 times.

Food, teaching and other experiences

With the exception of a slight lingering of a persistent cough Pancho was healed. In his prime, he decided to flaunt his physique down the country lanes of Punee.
Despite the certainty of having a body shaped in the classical ideal, Pancho had a twinge of worry when he realised the large amount of food that somehow managed to make its way into his stomach. He had not gained any weight, and yet he trusted his wisdom not to test this exemplary natural advantage to its limit.
His first run in a few months, Pancho did to his dismay notice that his fitness had dropped somewhat. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed and yet it was never a good feeling to fail one’s own standards. And Pancho’s were as high as they get.
That morning he encountered a fellow he had been introduced to before. Past half way mark of his quick jog, a lonely figure appeared around the corner. Quickly the familiar looking fellow caught Pancho’s eye. In seconds he had passed, giving a smiling and friendly greeting on his way. Not being any less polite Pancho returned the greeting and admired this bundle of energy. His name, or his easier shortened name, was Pon. Pancho had had the honour of witnessing some of his Thai boxing skills during a short demonstration. And just one kick to the pads proved that this lad who barely reached the height of Pancho’s shoulder was not somebody enjoyable to mess with. That is of course in comparison to the multitude of brawny men Pancho had knocked out on the streets during his long lifetime. In this case he did not even have the desire to attempt a cheeky unsuspecting shot out of nowhere. Doing battle was one thing when one knew of certain victory. But uncertainty was always a gamble. Not liking to gamble and considering that this matey was about half Pancho’s size, it would be a foolish danger. Even a victory would not reflect well upon our hero. After all he should pick on somebody his own size. Hence, it was always a good idea to be polite and to maintain everybody’s social standing and face.
Soon after returning home form his brisk but refreshing morning walk, following a rejuvinating shower and a hasty breakfast Pancho’s mother stood ready and offered him some Thai cakes. Not one to turn down the possibility of tasty food Pancho obliged. However his eyes chanced to scan the use by date on one of the packets. To his dismay they had been out of date for a while. Normally Pancho was not one to fuss about sweets that were slightly out of date. As long as they tasted the way they were supposed to there was no issue. However, not knowing how these Thai sweets, they had a sweet bean filling, reacted to old age he preferred not to gamble, yet again. A calculated guess would be better maybe. Adept as he was at acting wisely Pancho ate the one cake where the packaging was not bloated. And as was to be expected after such a well calculated decision no consequences ensued, except maybe a slight regret that he had not eaten the second cake as well.
Finally in school that day, the freshly baked teacher would have his work cut out for him. Today was his first day teaching the youngest students. And judging by the fact that the skill of the teacher as well as the students’ increased with age, he was not very hopeful for the class of 12 to 13 year olds. Pancho thought their teacher still in her 20s, it was awfully difficult judging ages with Thai people however. Despite this teacher being quite charmingly pretty he enjoyed the class less than he had anticipated. With the high aims of teaching his students the wonders of Shakespeare and Keats, Pancho felt slightly at odds with reality. In this particular class, the students seemed to not even understand simple questions such as, “how old are you”. This, Pancho could still accept, considering these poor buggers had never heard the beautiful language of English spoken the way it was supposed to be. But despite his infectious good humour he could not help notice a slight hindrance in trying to teach these youngsters a bit of fine western culture. Every time he said something to one of the pupils, instead of using their brains and setting about to decipher this cryptic tongue they took the easy and lazy way out and simply turned towards their beautiful teacher for help. Every time this happened, and it happened a lot, Pancho had to use his most formidable acting skills to hide his dismay behind a mask of joyous content. Eventually, smiling all the way through, he battled his way through a class of utter uselessness and left with the hollow feeling of defeat in the pit of his stomach. But, willing to see the good in everything, it was only his first lesson with those mouldable young minds. There was yet ample time to change the situation to everybody’s advantage.
Pancho’s nerves were to be tested yet again however. Having his second class with one of the graduating year groups Pancho wanted to offer them something up to date and informative. Trying not to overextend their simple grasp of what could be considered only a glimpse of English, he picked an easy news item freshly off the internet press from good old England. It was a short piece on a stray greyhound that had finally been found skulking around on a motorway.
To start off lightly a beaming Pancho wrote out the title and attempted to explain it.
20 minutes later the feat was accomplished. Pancho could honestly believe that the class had understood the title. However he had no way of checking, as neither understood the other and the students were quite unresponsive as usual. A thoroughly positively minded chap however, Pancho steamed ahead with the first sentence. At that point he seemed to hit a brick wall. And this was not any odd brick wall you might hit in a class taught in modern western ways of teaching. This was the great wall of brick walls.
The undertaking proved impossible. None of the English language, so beautifully laid out remained. Towering over the carnage, Pancho tried to direct his despairing troops towards the bright gleaming beacon of understanding by using numerous drawings on the blackboard. But alas, it was to no avail. This day of teaching had been a grim defeat.
After a hearty lunch, the setting gloom lifted a bit. Only two battles had been lost. The war had only just begun. And already the formidable circuitry in Pancho’s skull was whizzing through the multitudes of plans of attack to drive out the enemies of a good grasp of the English language. His first stepping stone had to be to animate his students to dare open their mouths. So the day had not been lost but lessons had been learned, conclusions drawn and hopes had risen once again. With fresh determination Pancho set out.
The next day he was free from the hassles of teaching unresponsive teenagers. After helping in the preparations, he escorted the English department and participants to an English contest at a nearby school. If it had been up to Pancho these youngsters would have had the drills of their lifetime, perfecting their chosen disciplines in a flash. But things did not quite run that way in Thailand and his troops were mustered in a state as good as one could hope.
Eventually at the venue, his fears that preparation had been uncompetitive proved unfounded. The other participants were almost certainly equally unprepared.
Despite these good news Pancho did encounter many setbacks and one first handedly.
Due to his naturally instilled talent at pronouncing words in English Pancho was invited to preside over the spelling competition. In this, he was to read out 10 balloted words each round of three. Knowing full well, that the children were not used to any more or less correct pronunciations it would be an absolute disaster. However he was more than shaken when his own student merely managed to understand and write one single word correctly. Needless to say, she did not survive the first round and actually had the lowest score of them all. Pancho needed some distraction now.
Luckily one of his students did manage reward herself and Pancho for their hard work. This young girl was the one who had enjoyed most of Pancho’s attention the day before. She had been entered in the speech contest and for this had to speak 5 minutes about a chosen topic. Pancho helped correct the prewritten speech and thoroughly pummelled the piece into the kid. Needless to say she did extremely well. Pancho expected no less after his expertly wielded leadership. But, for not really understanding a single word of a well written 5 minute speechn winning a contest was quite a feat. Additionally the girl’s victory would allow her to prove her talent further at a later occasion in the semi finals.
Pancho did also have another distraction. He had been told that another foreign English teacher would be present. So he took special care of looking better than his splendid self that day. It was easy to impress the Thai people who were not used to the looks of a western foreigner. Especially because they thought white skin was beautiful. Foreigners however could tell the difference between effort and laziness.
And finally Pancho caught a glimpse of her, while he was sitting in one of the air-conditioned rooms with his colleagues. He had grown quite fond of air conditioning by now with the murderous heat and all. Actually it was not so much a glimpse as a whim of something passing by. And this whim, though Pancho did not actually see anything was not positive. Pancho’s stupendously accurate intuition was proven right a few hours later. He had been waiting laboriously for all the contestants to finally finish. Sitting outside one of the classrooms where a dictation contest was being held he was offered a proper glance. His hopes of having a faulty intuition sank low. It is important to mention here that Pancho is not a superficial person. Neither does he dislike overweight people in general; however this woman was somebody Pancho did not want to meet. And he could tell so from 20 yards away. She was larger than anyone Pancho had seen in quite a while, and the smug expression on her face paired with the horribly twisted accent that spouted from her fat lips made it impossible to watch without cringing. Pancho had to sigh with relief when their quick departure was announced. A narrow escape from having to hold an awkward conversation.
Sitting safely in the car back home, Pancho thought about why he had had such a strong aversion against a meeting. It was not an admirable thing to have such dislike towards somebody one did not know. However his sharp mind and uncanny reading of people made out the reasons for wanting to flee the scene. Firstly her whole demeanour, unpleasantly self satisfied facial expression and uneducated speech let him understand that a conversation with her would be highly unfulfilling. This most important reason can often be somewhat counteracted in Pancho’s personal opinion. If the opposite had at least some physical charm it was quite possible to simply watch without listening. Secondly however this woman managed the remarkable feat of causing one to want to avert the eyes. Thus there was no reason for looking for an introduction. Pancho’s incredible skills in reading body language and assessing the broader context had saved him from tricky situation. Not being able to express such a politically incorrect thought process openly somewhat saddened Pancho. There were few things more enjoyable than openly failing the insanity of political correctness.
Finally having returned home that day, Pancho was once again invited to a duel of badminton with his father. Knowing full well that his skills were increasing significantly with each match, the offer could not be turned down. This time his father, though being a true master, only narrowly escaped defeat. An invitation to a bottle and a bit of the finest Thai brandy ensued.
Around the same date Pancho’s host brother returned from Bangkok. This fellow being the same age as Pancho himself proposed the hope of some enjoyable pastime approaching. Not to say that his time had not been enjoyable in Thailand. But one has to openly admit that when spent with somebody in similar circumstances (i.e. age) experiences create a stronger bond.
Pancho’s and his brother’s (Pinball) first joint experience was one that was quite memorable.
Driving around Punee they stopped at a restaurant to pick up a tad to eat back at home. On the way it proved evident that communication between Pinball and Pancho was not in the realm of possibility yet. Pancho spoke hardly any Thai, while Pinball did not know any English. Thus not even able to communicate through hands and feet both managed to talk a lot without having a conversation.
What made the experience more memorable however was the point where the pimp mobile they were travelling in suddenly ran out of gas, to the point where it was completely empty. The two were sitting at the side of the road, trying to restart the car when without forwarning the heavens above tore asunder and released an ocean full of water. The rain pelted down. Pancho could see the humour in the situation and even managed to spot a glimmer of hope. Just across the street was a petrol station. Would it now be possible to fill up there?
Simply pointing at the station started the first successful conversation between the two young men. The reply however was far wordier than Pancho’s use of his hand. Pinball replied with a shaking of his head and pointed at the petrol gage. “LPG…. Ubon!”
Pancho’s brilliant mind understood immediately. The car worked on LPG which could only be bought up in Ubon Ratchathani. What joy! They were merely a kilometre away from home, a matter of minutes to walk, but the rain was pelting at such a degree, that standing outside one stood in serious risk of drowning. Additionally they stood in front of a petrol station but had to travel at least 60 kilometres to find the fuel they needed. Sitting back and relaxing Pancho watched this spectacle with good humoured interest. Nothing happened for a while until Pinball got out his phone. To everybody’s relief he had just bought new credit for calls a few minutes earlier. Though not understanding the content of the phone conversation Pancho could tell that matters would be dealt with. A few minutes later he saw the headlights of one of the family’s off road cars appear behind the curtain of rain. Its steel cable for towing cars was attached to the pimp mobile in a few instants. Pinball was still drenched to the bones when he got back in. Pancho had been told to remain in the car considering his cough still lingered.
Eventually both returned home safe and sound. It was a brilliant start to a friendship that would be filled with more such antiques Pancho hoped. This incident was complimented the same evening with an interesting request by Pinball. It had been conveyed to Pancho that Pinball was trying to woo a girl into becoming his girlfriend. His brilliant idea, as Pancho was kind enough to admit, was to convince her by writing a love letter (phone message) in English. Any observant reader would now certainly suggest that this was not possible considering that this fellow spoke not one inkling of the language. But what else had Pancho come to Thailand for than to help and assist those in dire need. Through his mother’s translation skills Pancho understood that the letter was to be as cheesy as remotely possible. To Pancho this felt somewhat strange. Back home a message of that kind would be enough to send a new acquaintance scrambling for safety, in Thailand however it seemed the absolute minimum.
Using his infamously poetic streak Pancho thus expertly crafted a passage so inspiringly dripping with adoration that he himself could not help but feel the rush of love as he read through it.
It goes without saying that this masterpiece fulfilled its purpose expertly. Pancho did wonder how much of the message this girl did understand in the end however.
Additionally Pancho was in for an interesting dinner as well. Sitting at the table in the yard once again, he was surprised to be served something that the others referred to as a snake. Not just any snake either, but a cobra. Not knowing whether to take these comments seriously Pancho inspected the contents of the bowl himself. Judging by the scaly skin, he concluded wisely that he was not after all the subject of an elaborate prank.
A few moments later he had even tasted the meat and decided that it was quite to his liking.
Thus his stay in Thailand had provided Pancho, the snake eating poet, with yet another set of highly unexpected and interesting experiences.

.

Ubon Ratchatani - City of sin

Another night’s sleep and Pancho felt as good as new, with exception of a slight cough. Today however he would make the great trek to the city of sin, Ubon Ratchatani. In these forsaken parts, Pancho thought to himself, any larger city could be well considered a cesspool of the filthy and criminal. He would not be hoodwinked by any human scum on this journey though. His itinerary was quite simple as a matter of fact. Doctor’s visit and then a short bout of shopping.
At quite on the spot 9 o’clock of this bright and hot Saturday morning his advisor appeared in the living area (open living areas don’t have any doors to knock on). She quickly bade him to join her and her brother in the car.
Her brother, Uncle Paan, was quite the character. His humour spoke of great ease of living and contentness with his lot in life. He had no issues taking the mickey out of himself repeatedly. His laugh was infectious and his face one of kind benevolence. Additionally he was not an uninteresting character. This fellow had been the eminent director of a school before he had decided that the simple life of a farmer was more to his liking. Pancho respected such a choice and thought it mightily admirable to have such a streak of sincerity. He secretly hoped that he had it as well and would not end up as some ruthless banker that preyed on the weak and unsuspecting. But alas, life takes turn in strange directions when one least expects it.
Accordingly, the hour long ride to the city went by in a flash. When the car finally drove down the outskirts Pancho could already smell the beat of life in this place. Although Ubon was probably not immense, compared to Phunee it felt like being in one of the great cities of the world.
Soon all three were sitting in the crowded waiting room of an eminent doctor’s private clinic. Pancho had been told much about this man, how great he was and all. Such talk could only bring a sarcastic smile to his usually life loving face. He did not trust a doctor, a lawyer or a banker before having fully gotten to know them, and even then they tended to surprise.
Well the three sat there for at least two hours which gave Pancho ample time to dissect his impression of the waiting room. Soon with his most accurate sense of perception he noticed that everybody who came out of the treatment room received a significant amount of medicine which they had to pay for in cash. The amounts, both of pills and money were not immense; however they would certainly build up. Pancho wondered whether these people actually required all that medicine and how many pills and types he would receive himself.
If one watched him at this point in time a perceptive fellow might have noticed that the great and unstoppable gears of a genius brain were cranking up in Pancho’s skull. And they did not disappoint. Within instants the multitude of information had been processed, analysed and filed.
He saw straight through the scheme. The doctor was the one who earned by selling the medicine. Thus everybody who came to see him naturally had to be sick; otherwise the doctor would not make any money. Intelligence and perception were naturally not the only hallmarks of the great Pancho Wodehouse however. His wisdom was renowned around the world not less than many a hundred year olds. One could not only blame the doctor. It was evidently the system. Firstly the doctor should never be allowed to sell the drugs himself, secondly he should earn enough to never have to get into that situation in the first place. The third and much larger issue was probably the matter of pharmaceutical producers. They naturally would love this system of spreading their products through the populace. It was virtually a guaranteed amount of sales, no matter if people were sick or not. Quite clever actually Pancho thought. And it was evil as well. But not the type of evil that Pancho could admire. This was the kind of evil that was driven by the greed for money. There were no principles behind this evilness, it was pure greed driving weak people.
The evil that Pancho could respect and admire was that with principles. The evil, that was evil for the sake of being evil. It did have a charm after all, being the evil sorcerer high up in the tower, terrorising the most definitely poor and obviously innocent farmers. One had to admire such dedication in not feeling any compassion. Luckily Pancho was quite content with his position in society as the absolute pinnacle of civilisation. He was higher than evil or good. He simply WAS and it was difficult to negate this fact.
Pancho’s flow of thoughts was eventually interrupted by being called into the treatment room. His first impression of the doctor was nice enough. This man even spoke enough English to make himself understood. A very educated and worldly man for Thai standards Pancho could tell, despite this man’s hairdo lacking understanding of fashion or style. A twinge of pity entered Pancho’s smile. He always had to remind himself that not every body had the innate and intuitive understanding of style.
What actually fascinated Pancho however was this doctor’s realization that Pancho had the normal seasonal influenza instead of the deadly swine flu (H1N1). Simply by using a stethoscope to check Pancho’s breathing and a torch to check his throat the doctor made the distinction that under normal circumstances required a laboratory. Could this doctor actually be in any way similarly adept at everything as Pancho was? Very doubtful.
Pancho naturally did not mention any of these fascinating facts to his advisor. Firstly he wondered whether his Thai and her English were developed enough to start talking about genetic makeup and surface protein structure. Secondly he doubted that it was a good idea to break these people’s belief in the doctor. Outsiders trying to improve things very often lead to matters taking a turn for the worse. This is especially the case when they are not familiar with what they are dealing with. Despite Pancho having analysed this situation fully and seeing what was wrong, his understanding of the strange Thai culture was still somewhat bellow perfection. Hence he would have to wait at least till the end of his stay in order to have a go and reshaping the country’s medical system.
So Pancho very agreeably decided to concentrate on shopping. This was not so much a question of what to buy but more of what not to buy. He did in the end manage to find the clothing that he thought necessary, primarily sports clothing for ridiculous prices.
During this shopping spree the three trundled into the big Tesco Lotus supermarket. After Carrefour in Bangkok and Coca cola advertisement everywhere Pancho was becoming suspicious how much western “culture” had seeped into this far away country. The products in the supermarkets themselves were at times identical to those found in the west, merely with Thai writing on them. And here you were supposed to be in a country and culture that had completely different food. Well, Pancho concluded, the cities may be the playing grounds for the multinational corporations from the west, but the countryside was most definitely still in the hands of the Thai people.
Returning after this interesting and long day Pancho was ready to relax his great mind. As so often his day had been planned out for him However. He was to make use of his superior physique and play a set of badminton with his Father.
After having only broken a sweat litely and gracefully let his father win, Pancho was driven around the country side and shown some of the land owned by the family.
He approved very much of what he saw and could gather that these were great minds at work here. Pancho was happy to be in the company of like minded people, despite their utterly different cultural background. Brilliance always pervaded.

Under the weather

Thai The melody drifted lazily across the landscape of Pancho’s dream. What was that sweet melody? That sweet melody that sounded slightly wooden or metallic. As if it came out of a tiny speaker… Suddenly his keen mind grasped it!
Pancho’s hand, newly awoken, reached for his mobile phone playing Liszt. His thumb pressed the off button. Silence…
For a second he thought everything was in order and then it hit him. Pancho was ill. And he was tired. Darn it!
He let himself fall into a more comfortable position. It was Friday, one more day of school before a restful weekend…
When Pancho had finally dragged himself out of bed half an hour later the situation had changed. He felt even worse. Headache, blocked nose and ears, severe drowsiness…He was dressed for school, but all hope of making it through the day had left him. His body was merely a hollow shell functioning according to preset instructions. But Pancho’s incredible mind in contrast was racing, despite having a severe limp. One could also describe his thought process as having had both its legs amputated. But even when walking on his hands he was faster than the multitude of imbeciles that populate too many places.
The fantastic idea that had entered the singularly excellent agglomeration of nerve cells in Pancho’s cranium was too mind bogglingly exceptional too reveal under normal circumstances. But as these writings represent the accumulated wisdom of his life, recorded for eternity, this little gem may be shared just this once.
His idea was to appear at the breakfast table, seeming ready to go to work, waiting for the right opportunity to pounce. When his father or his mother finally came down stairs he would stand up, looking as ill as possible, and inform them that he felt in no state to teach.
The work of a pure genius! The icing on the cake of cakes was that Pancho was also a fantastically gifted actor, able to portray the human soul in any condition so convincingly that he was often referred to as the man with the million faces.
And so, just as Pancho had anticipated, he was asked to change into more comfortable clothes and rushed to the outside sleeping area (which is not quite as hot as indoors). Here a huge dome of a mosquito net was placed above him.
And the result was sweet repose! Pancho would have actually enjoyed this piece of surreal artistry if he had not felt so under the weather and all. It wasn’t actually such a great trick considering that he actually was not in any state to teach.
In any case, before his mind could settle on such sinister matters he drifted off into uneasy sleep. The buzzing fan at his side only provided short bursts of feeble cooling through the protective netting.
Pancho rested in this way until the early afternoon when he was finally overcome by a bout of energy that did not let him sleep any longer. He drifted over to the kitchen area and was served a spontaneous meal for lunch. Pancho his polite self once again ate as much as was agreeable to him. As described already, a meal when one is ill does not tend to improve the frame of mind and so Pancho felt like he had been knocked out by an elephant, or two… And barely making the trek of 20 meters he stumbled back to his temporary sleeping quarters.
Waking up an hour later, he felt extremely refreshed for the first time. The effects of illness seemed to have been worn down by his perplexingly perfect physique.
His advisor, having naturally taken notice his important personage failing to appear at work, eventually found out that his missing was due to illness. And so Pancho was presented with a box of pills of Thai herbs and a tasty dish for dinner when she passed by gallantly.
Pancho, in addition to being offered a vast multitude of medicine was repeatedly asked whether he wanted to see a doctor. Being aware of his conspicuously invincible stamina Pancho declined every time. He would however have to give in finally, out of consideration for his advisor being responsible for him and politeness.
A charming fellow Pancho was and he would keep it that way, even if he had to visit a doctor whose modes of operation he would quite likely not approve of. This however would be an experience of the following day. As the doctor and shopping facilities that Pancho required were in the biggest city of the region, Ubon Ratchatani, they would make day long round trip.
That evening however still held a little surprise for Pancho.
After having enjoyed the extravagantly delicious dinner brought by his advisor, the working crew for mansion and land of the family invited Pancho for a little adventure. Not fully understanding Thai yet it took a few minutes of semi successful translation to make clear that they were heading to a shrine of special interested, due to the fact that it was inhabited by monkeys. Pancho, quite the animal lover, was eager to accept and off they rode in the pimp mobile.
Finally arriving at the shrine the group stepped out of the fancy car and bought some snacks at the roadside shop. Shop might be a gross exaggeration for what is considered civilized western standards. It was more a hut with an array of bananas, corn and other foods. Initially Pancho stood there, not quite grasping the amount of bananas and corn that were bought. He then saw the swarms of knee high and smaller monkeys drifting across the road from the gate to the shrine and understood. Pancho watched in fascination, not worrying in any way that his camera may be stolen or that the monkeys would decide to climb around on him, clawing at his deliciously matched clothing of impeccable style.
But the monkeys turned out to be quite the well behaved sort of country folk. If they were not busy chasing and biting each other they quietly crowded around and held up their hands, patiently waiting for the receipt of bananas, but more so corn which they seemed to crave like a drug. Some would insist on receiving food by holding on to a leg of Pancho’s masterfully tailored trousers, others would scamper around in a very suspicious manner. It was quite evident to Pancho that they were simply acting all nice and innocent until the time came to grab and snatch. Pancho did not let those shady folks escape his watchful gaze.
Despite the monkeys most definitely being the main attraction the crew still made its way up to the shrine to bring in a casual prayer. Pancho politely took part in the necessary ritual knowing full well however that he had already been gifted more than enough. Good looks, charm, manners and an intellect so brilliant that it could lighten up even the darkest abyss.
Yes, Pancho thought, he ought to be more humble and leave some of the heavenly luck for less fortunate souls.

Mukdahan on the Mekong

Sleep did not come easily after the wild revelries of the evening before. Pancho woke up several times, each time realising that a strong head cold had snuck up on him, inching its way further and further into his cranium. However, he had no time for idle weaknesses.
Prattling around was not an option on that day. Despite his teaching schedule being deliciously free Pancho was not given the choice of enjoying this time leisurely. He was chased across the tiny town of Punee, to meet all of the important personalities. These ranged from chief of police, to the chief doctor of the hospital, multiple school principles, the mayor and finally also the district governor.
The latter was of greatest interest to Pancho. Despite his eminence not speaking any English whatsoever, the cold having squarely hit Pancho between the eyes and the office’s air conditioning being broken, this visit proved to be the most interesting.
This was simply due to the fact that a fascinating painting hung above the desk of said governor. While this friendly fellow whittled on listlessly in words that required the advisor’s translation, Pancho’s eyes scanned the content of this work of art. It depicted one of the former Kings of Thailand, an educated guess would be Rama the 5th. The interesting thing was his attire however. The figure was not wearing any traditional Thai clothing, but was fully clad in a royal Prussian military uniform together with a highly conspicuous piked helmet resting on his hip.
Pancho was flabbergasted. Here he came whizzing around half of the world to a country that could not be anymore different to the temperate climates of central to northern Europe and what did he find in the district governor’s office? A painting of Thai royalty posing in a glorious set of imperialist military uniform. Fascinating, even despite feeling in the gutter!
When Pancho finally was informed of what words the governor had directed at him his attention sidled to the here and now however and he returned the warmly diplomatic greetings that were extended.
During these these entire visits one thing did catch Pancho slightly. Repeatedly he had been informed of the fact that many of the office ladies he met that day were single and merely waiting for a handsome and gallant foreigner to come in and sweep them of their feet. What disturbed Pancho was that he knew not how to politely decline any interest. He decided that there was no way. And despite fearing any future dangers heading his way in these matters he simply smiled, nodded and refused to show any kind of reaction.
And after a gruelling number of hours the return to the school grounds finally came within reach. Pancho was dearly looking forward to a healing early nights sleep.
However he was rudely shaken from such handsome revelries as his father stood ready, waiting for him to drive to the distant city of Mukdahan. Pancho, hesitant and really in no shape to make such a trip did not show the usual polite eagerness to take part in such an adventure. Alas, it was to no avail. Within 10 minutes father, mother and son sat in the car and had hit the road. Well, something that could notionally be called road. For the first half hour, driving consisted more of evading potholes of tremendous size than anything else.
Dropping away into a slight slumber Pancho also further missed any of the other interesting sightseeing apart from the lush green country side.
Finally in Mukdahan several hours later he was allowed to witness the greatness of the Mekong in full swing. Judging from its girth it looked more like a lake. He was duly informed however that it did not go very deep and that in summer it could be crossed by wading through it (The mention of summer was what actually caught Pancho’s attention. How could it possibly become any hotter than it was already?! What other joys awaited him here?).
Taken pictures of the river was followed by an ample dinner of boiled and fried shrimp. Despite Pancho’s health taking a definite dip south he managed to feast on these dishes and engorged himself without respite. The shrimp, dipped into various sauces were of such divine taste that Pancho was utterly smitten.
As it is with influenza or harsh colds, the spirits generally sink to a low after a hearty meal. And with Pancho it was no exception. The drive home was of a brutality he had not often experienced. Even though it cleared up towards the end of the 2 hour long drive, listening to Thai love songs, he could not shake the impression that it had very likely been unwise to not insist more vehemently on remaining at home that day.
Eventually in bed, Pancho knew full well that the way he felt now the next day would quite likely be a lost cause. And yet, hope always died last.

Whiskey and soda

A mere trifle would have been Pancho’s description for the day at work. A few lessons here and there conducted to the most outrageous joy of the other teachers, followed by a session of making Thai sweets.
On this occasion Pancho met one of his favourite characters at the school. She was an elderly teacher who never failed to inform Pancho that all the food was free for him. He had to agree that she had a point, however she made it in such a way as to say that Pancho should eat more than was humanly possible.
Sadly Pancho never managed to grasp this teacher’s name at the start. Not having any opportunity to pick it up in everyday conversation thereafter he ceased to wonder. In his books she went by the name of Funny. Funny’s outrageous boisterousness every time she met him was very much to Pancho’s liking. Who could not enjoy the company of somebody so healthily endowed with a dry sense of humour. She made every trifle seem comic. Even death itself would seem like a joke of the funny kind with her.
Later on the evening back at the country villa looked to be a mighty bout of fun as well. When he returned the living area had been decorated with a splendid sound system, including karaoke set up and multiple tables that were to be laden with food and drink. Pancho gleefully showered and got changed in preparation (The Thai weather made such behaviour an utter necessity). Despite his wishes to have a short or not so short nap he nimbly dragged his clean shaven self downstairs.
Entering the fray Pancho was quickly invited to a glass of whiskey with soda water. His glass was to be refilled for what felt like one hundred times over the course of the night. And this led from amiable chatting at the table to engrossingly taking part in karaoke and finally turning the living area into a dance floor.
Two foreign guests had been invited to his welcome party as well. These were two young ladies from the major town nearby. Pancho was happy to be able to use any kind of language fluently once again. However cordialities only went as far as chitchat went as the two were only mildly interesting in comparison the outrageously delicious cocktails served by the usual crowd or family friends and employees.
During the dance off however, Pancho had the strange sensation of fully sharing the other two foreigners’ mild display of involuntary dancing. As the whole assembled party was virtually shaking the house, not one soul, especially not the guests of honour were allowed to miss out on the fun of shaking a leg to mainly songs that one didn’t know or that were at times not suitable for dancing. The evening ended late and when Pancho finally retired to his abode he could tell that the next day would be far too long than was good for him.

The marvels of education

And there it was! Pancho woke from restful sleep and was right in the middle of it. His first day on the job. Still hesitant on how things worked around here he just jumped right into it and clothed himself the way he expected it to be correct. At 7:30am on the dot he was in the living area ready to eat breakfast. This generally consisted of the left overs of the previous day.
Although Pancho did not mind a healthy helping of day old pizza and all, the Thai left overs were a different matter. Not feeling any great pangs of hunger he would have like to avoid spicy food in the morning. But he knew that it was a big day ahead and there was no way around a healthy breakfast. Without sufficient food he would not make it through the day, especially considering that he did not know what to expect.
After being instructed by as per usual Kunyay on what was spicy and what not, he was whisked away by his father in the car. The drive itself was only a matter of 2 minutes as the school was practically adjacent to the house.
As they drove into the school ground Pancho saw the entirety of students lined up in a more or less orderly fashion upon the sports field. More or less ordered as he saw that at the edges of the formation pupils seemed to be not so sprightly at submitting too the given order, chatting, lazing about and all.
As soon as the car stopped Pancho stepped out into the scorching sun in order to greet his coordinator and advisor who were already waiting. The charming fellow that Pancho was he greeted them in the correct way with a broad smile. In seconds he was drenched in sweat, however ignoring this very mild discomfort. And soon after an agglomeration of teachers formed around him that were keen to bask in their new colleague’s glorious aura. All of these Pancho naturally greeted in the well mannered fashion as well. As it had been the evening before however, he had no possible chance of remembering the lush amount of fantastically difficult names that were flung his way.
And before he had a chance to think about it, his dream of taking centre stage had come true.
In between the school road and the sports field there was a lengthy row of low shady tress that was only interrupted by a concrete stage sporting a mast with the Thai national flag attached.
Pancho now stood beside this extravagant structure together with his coordinator waiting for any signal to step up. As the students in the field in front of them, both were able to enjoy the full glory of the sun. His coordinator did not make any indications but Pancho did feel the slight toastiness that gently caressed his face.
Additionally he sincerely hoped they did not expect him to know his cue for entering the stage, considering he understood not one word in the director’s speech. After a few minutes of insecure waiting he was finally gently nudged towards the steps. The stage was mounted in an instant. The microphone was handed to him and as 1300 pairs of eyes were set on him he eased through the speech without even noticing. The crowd devoured the spectacle of a white person trying to speak their language while breaking larynx and tongue in multiple places in the process.
After Pancho had been presented with multiple bouquets of flowers he was again whisked away, this time into an air conditioned meeting room. On his way to this location he noticed the unyielding curiosity of his new students. Their gazes hit him from every direction, which made Pancho conscious of every move he made. Not one bad move now, or else my reputation will be ruined before I even start
As adept as Pancho was at mastering situations of great importance he managed to manoeuvre himself into the meeting room without falling over any steps or bumping into gawping people. The room itself was welcomingly cool. Not since his frigid experiences with hotel and bus air conditioning had he enjoyed such a piece of technology.
All that Pancho understood concerning the meeting was that it was populated by the English department, held in Thai and that his timetable was decided on.
After about an hour of his avidly watching strange sounds being expulsed, his advisor gave Pancho the tour of the school, which was followed by a spicy lunch with some of the teachers.
At this point Pancho remarked for the second time that he needed to watch out how much he ate. When he was reaching the point of feeling full, for some reason even a normally tasty dish could make him feel like wretching. The day a sausage had suddenly made him feel that the company of other people was a bad idea. This time it was the obnoxiously smelly fruit called durian (Strangely enough it did not smell one bit). He had already made sure to inform his hosts that he had eaten quite a satisfactory amount. However as the durian appeared Pancho could not really refuse an insistent desert. A minute later, with his mouth full of fruity goodness he regretted this decision and luckily found a handy glass of water to wash the pulpy mess down
The greatest surprise that day was however the occasion when he was allowed to teach his first lesson. This occurred right after lunch when Pancho had just sat down at his brand new desk. He was just in the process of testing out his new authority with intense stares at the doorway when his host mother, who also was an English teacher, came in to take Pancho to her class. While imperiously strutting out of the teacher’s room, Pancho glanced at his new timetable and recognised that this was indeed the allocated timeslot.
At this point Pancho was not worried in the slightest however. He would sit in the class and watch quietly how his mother held an English lesson. This would help him judge the students’ command of the language as well as the correct methods to teach.
To Pancho’s ghastly amazement however his mother asked him to step in front of the class and introduce himself. A polite smile and a curt nod later he stood at the helm of these floppy teenagers desperately hoping to impress.
Backing down now would cast a dark shadow on his short but possibly bright career as a teacher.
Pancho, not knowing the students’s level quickly fell into a slow monologue. To his disappointment the clueless faces of his students did not really reveal whether they understood or not.
He finally ran out of steam after about 5 minutes. It is difficult to keep talking about oneself for 50 minutes straight even if one is greatly enamoured with oneself as Pancho was. His next task was even more down his alley. His mother asked him what questions he had for the class, about the town of Punee and also the school.
For the second time in the space of a few days Pancho had been caught flatfooted with this disgusting tactic to undermine his goodwill. He would certainly have to practice coming up with endless questions that required immense amounts of time to answer.
As you can imagine Pancho felt an intense pain in his heart over the course of the lesson. This was no way to teach English. However this was the best he could do, without preparation. Nothing to be proud of he realised sadly.
In order to top Pancho’s taste in what and English lesson is supposed to be like his host mother asked him to teach the children a song.
Pancho initially stood there dumbfounded. A song? He knew that it would be benevolently smiled upon if he taught English through music, but having to teach a song in his first lesson, without any preparation?! Pancho was initially thrown. And his panicked expression most likely displayed this most spectacularly. Luckily Pancho had an ace hidden up his sleeve.
During the mock school lesson that the foreign teachers had to perform at the hotel, they had learned a simple children’s song. While everything else seemed to fail him, Pancho could not possibly forget how “the wheels on the bus go round and round”. And what a success this was! The children mumbled and jumbled their way through the verses and finally dropped into their seats glad that it was over.
To conclude his lesson Pancho could tell he had made an impression. His mother told him that she had never been able to engage them so fully during class. And despite Pancho wanting to attribute this to his excellent teaching skills he understood that this fact probably lay mainly in the reality that he was the first foreigner these children had ever witnessed in full splendour.
Following this highlight of the day Pancho was relieved to know that his second lesson would fall through due to the fact that there was a 3 hour meeting to be attended. Pancho was delighted for the reason that he did not know that the meeting was going to be 3 hours. As a matter of fact nobody knew this yet.
Pancho thought it was a matter of 20 minutes, but once sitting inside the cool conference room, caught in the clutches of Thai style bureaucracy, he was informed that these meetings normally took at least an hour.
After the full hour had passed Pancho was hoping for a quick end. However his hopes were dashed as he found out that highly eminent guests, who had donated significantly to the school, were expected.
Two hours later, the speeches for the late coming donators had been given and farewells were taken.
Pancho was content that he had no need to battle the drowsiness any longer that invariably creeps up when one understands nought of 3 hour meetings and is required to sit in silence.
In complete contrast to that afternoon Pancho was invited to a match of gentlemanly badminton with his host father after school. Gratefully for any change Pancho accepted and so a wonderful tradition was started.
Their first duel was not to be mentioned in Pancho’s books, however he knew that with more practice his skills would reach such stratospheric levels as in tennis, football and golf.
By the end of the day, Pancho could knowingly say that his first day of work had been a full success and he keenly enjoyed the sweet repose that waited for him in his bed.