Always an experience in Ubon

As a most observant reader you may gather that the little village of Punee could be considered to lack the necessary entertainment for somebody with wide ranging experiences such as Pancho Wodehouse. As a matter of fact on weekends it was even boring for the villagers. Thus, next to drinking, a favourite distraction was to travel to the near by city of Ubon Ratchathani.
After an in depth analysis of the possibilities at hand Pancho came to the same conclusion. However, for insurance reasons he was not allowed to drive in Thailand but for independence reasons he needed an alternative to being chauffeured. So Pancho had decided to learn how to use the Thai public transport system. This he would do together with his very enjoyable advisor. After the first few weeks Pancho considered her a grand master for both joking around as well as serious intellectual conversation.
Thus on a Saturday morning they were to catch the 8am bus to Ubon. The first surprise of the day assaulted Pancho as he boarded that bus. In a jolly mood the driver, who Pancho could not recall ever having met, called him by his Thai nick name and asked where he was heading. Knowing about his relative fame but still somewhat surprised, Pancho replied politely that he was heading to Ubon. This was as a matter of fact the only realistic answer, however in Thailand it is a custom to ask where one is going just as one asks how one is doing in English speaking countries. One is not really interested in the reply.
Sitting in a relatively narrow seat a few moments later, Pancho for the first time was able to admire the luxuries of Thai buses. First of all the doors of this bus stayed open during the entire trip which meant the bus could be boarded anywhere and at anytime. As a matter of fact, every time it passed a small settlement or group of houses the driver would honk to announce his arrival. Just in case somebody failed to hear the tremendously loud bus approaching. What Pancho enjoyed about this bus in particular however was that the driver took pride in his sound system and actually played music for his passengers. Occasionally turning on rotating fans on the ceiling when it got too hot completed the quite comfortable ride. The acceptably cheap price was another bonus. Accordingly, in Pancho’s well traveled books this bus ride ranked quite highly. It fell under the category of: Greeted by name, cheap, enjoyable and relaxing.
Once in Ubon, after having finished some of his necessary shopping, Pancho was invited to enjoy the company of his advisor’s brother’s family. This included wife, daughter in law and grand children. Pancho, as an incredibly gifted linguist was naturally immediately asked to teach the children a little English. To his delight the two kids, about 4 and 8 were better at English than many of the teenagers he taught at school.
Eventually at lunch, Pancho enjoyed a relatively refined meal, not as rustically prepared as at home in Punee. For one, there were no bones in the meal that needed picking out. This made eating far less strenuous. But at the same time the food was only mildly spiced. A few months ago Pancho’s yet inexperienced taste buds would have thought the spices quite sufficient, now however he was somewhat disappointed in the bland application of chili. The two young children’s meal was what actually surprised Pancho however. Not one to be easily thrown he had not expected such strangeness, especially in this region of Thailand where savoury food generally was preferred. The two kids were fed on an entirely different dietary system to what he was accustomed to for anywhere in the world except for maybe America, which had a considerable sweet tooth. This diet made the children’s slight look of overweight plausible. Lunch for them consisted without exception only of a large helping of ice cream and cookies. Pancho, being extremely well mannered and conscious of social etiquette naturally did not remark on this fact. However he hoped dearly that this was not the complete spectrum of their diet. In his extremely wise opinion it did not bode well for their future.
After having enjoyed the meal with his advisor’s family it was finally time to head back home by public transport.
The ride home was by different means than in the morning. The usual mode of transport was by minibus. The term minibus can mean either a flatbed truck or a pick up/ute (for the Australian readers) with a roofed construction on the back, where travelers sit facing each other on opposing benches. The roof may frequently also be used as seating. In this case the roof was actually used for transportation as the relatively small minibus (a small truck) was crammed full with a restaurant’s shopping as well as at least 30 people. These passengers partially sat inside, stood inside, sat on the roof or stood at the end of the truck holding on to railings. Pancho quite enjoyed this mode of transport as it proved to be a different sort of experience and was actually quite cool for the breeze that blew in from the open sides.
On this first occasion however his advisor and him had a strange encounter. They boarded a relatively full bus. However as they climbed aboard, immediately a seating gap opened up at the far left end, right next to a Thai lady in a pink suit.
Soon after sitting down Pancho’s keen sense for recognition of social patterns warned him why seating had been so readily provided. The simple reason for what they initially perceived as luck was a cold and calculated move by the lady to Pancho’s right. She had let the innocent and unknowing newcomers fall into the trap of sitting down between the pink lady and the other passengers on that side. Soon he would understand the gravity of this foolish mistake.
As soon as they were seated the lady in the pink suit started chatting amiably to his advisor. Initially by using monosyllabic answers, his advisor attempted to subtly convey that she was not too interested in conversation. At least in Pancho’s distinguished ability to observe he guessed this much. Evidently not satisfied with this conversation the lady turned to speak to Pancho. Not in Thai but actually in English. Delighted to be speaking to someone this fluent Pancho welcomed a bit of conversation. The lady had lived an America, married an American who had died recently and was now back in Thailand. Pancho’s first flash of interest quickly subsided however. Something about her mix of American and Thai cultures did not quite agree with him. The lady smiled frequently and was very interested in foreigners, evidently the Thai culture. But at the same time she was extremely outgoing and failed to register any subtle uses of language intended to direct the conversation. This as Pancho found were characteristics present in some Americans and could make it difficult to uphold the conversation. On their own, Pancho could enjoy all of these characteristics considerably, mixed together however they did cause a tad of worry for good old Pancho. He first became aware of this sentiment when the woman would not stop talking about money not being able to buy love and all. Not having anything further to add to her succinct analysis of the matter, he nodded. This became the standard pattern of their conversation. Pancho eventually gave up on trying to influence it and followed his advisor’s monosyllabic example. However he realized that the situation was becoming critical when the woman decided to take off her pink suit jacket revealing a blue bathing suit beneath. The at least 60 year old woman commented on this in the following matter.
“Oh it is hot!” To this Pancho said a definitive and approving “Yes”
Then undressing (to the other passenger’s horror. It is inappropriate for a woman to wear anything less than a T-shirt in rural Thailand) and revealing her blue bathing suit, went further in explaining her actions.
“I wear sexy clothes” Averting his eyes in a rather quick jerk Pancho nodded.
“These are sexy clothes no?” Pancho at a loss of what to reply lied “Yes” and turned the other way while his advisor discretely laughed in his ear. But the woman went on.
“I like America, I can wear sexy clothes all the time. Anywhere and anytime. I like sexy clothes. America is not like here, here you can not wear sexy clothes.” Again Pancho in shock only managed a nod and looked straight ahead at the countryside passing by. She evidently could wear what she considered sexy clothes here, despite her assurance that she couldn’t. Pancho now could see the reason for having been offered seating as clear as day. The whole bus looked like how Pancho felt, slightly embarrassed and definitively avoiding eye contact with the woman. In fact at the next bus stop a further spot opened up for another unknowing and innocent passenger that wanted to sit down. She took the seat between the lady in the bathing suit and his advisor. Now two seats removed from the lady with an exceptional amount of food stacked in front of him Pancho was finally safe.
Eventually the lady had to make her way out of the bus. While leaving she wished Pancho a good stay and sincerely hoped to meet him again. Pancho again used his exceptional gift with words to return these sentiments.
“Yes, goodbye!”
After such an eventful trip, the day was not over however. As so often in Thailand, a party had been planned. This, as usual, consisted of eating, drinking and singing karaoke. Pancho endured, despite no desire to after having attended at least a dozen of these occasions since his arrival. The issue was that he had fairly little to talk about or to say in Thai. No amount of drinking made conversation flow better as the necessary vocabulary was simply missing. It actually seemed to reverse in fact. Pancho understanding the basics of the language by now was even more delighted when drunken friends who generally did not talk much to him decided to teach him words he already knew. This was by far the most amazingly enjoyable activity yet. Sitting at a table, listening to karaoke he did nit understand, being told about one hundred times that a spoon is a spoon. Eventually Pancho decided to make the matter more interesting for himself. In his region, Esan, two languages were spoken. Thai as well as a dialect of Laotian. Thus Pancho was taught 2 different words for many things. Spoon was one of the objects Pancho knew both for. So, bored by the endless repetition and slightly frustrated that he could not tell them to shut up, out of politeness, when one of the drunk guys pointed at a spoon and said the Thai word for it, Pancho would blurt out the Laotian word. A tad drunk the other would think Pancho had not clearly understood and try again. This would go on until the person decided to say the Laotian word for spoon. In this case Pancho would say the Thai word. His tipsy teacher took a fair while to finally realize what was going on. When he did a smile came across his face and he understood to give up.
That was Pancho’s fun for the night. He would use this game frequently thereafter when the situation required it.

Typically Thailand

One of the things that, as a most observant fellow, caught Pancho’s attention was the amount of dogs that roamed the streets of Thailand. At closer inspection many were not actually stray dogs but had a place of residence. In comparison to western standards of living these dogs were however not trained as pets but were held more for the purpose of guarding property. At times they would stray however and take it upon themselves to discover the world. Pancho had had a few encounters with some of these creatures. He was not sure how narrowly he actually escaped being bitten, but their bark was fierce and at times they liked to chase.
A man of true valour, this obviously did not unnerve Pancho. He would have easily taken on a mangy dog of sorts.
On one occasion he actually had an experience that he thought quite amusing.
Riding his ancient postman bicycle there were always dogs somewhere on the short road from work to home. These dogs liked to lie on the road, not even bothering to get up when cars approached (unless they actually were about to hit them).
So on this occasion of riding his very old bike home, a dog crossed Pancho’s path. Some dogs could be said to be quite intelligent, this one evidently was not. Normally this would not be a problem, but Pancho did not have a normal bike. The problem with it was the following. The breaks were not the most trustworthy and one could only turn the steering bar so far to the side without ramming it into ones legs and causing the bike to fall apart.
Thus, the dog unwisely intercepted Pancho’s trajectory. Unsure whether the dog would stop or keep going Pancho could only vaguely swivel in either direction (which he tried unsuccessfully). The breaks not functioning properly, stopping in time was also a matter of impossibility despite Pancho’s infamous bicycle riding skills.
So the dog, in its insanity stepped in front of Pancho’s bike, while Pancho due to the old model was not able to break or change course effectively.
When the front wheel was merely a hair’s width away from inflicting excruciating pain (for the dog most likely) the beast finally realised in what deadly peril it found itself. Yelping to the highest degree it started skipping sideways as fast as it could.
This was the way out Pancho had been hoping for. Using his deafening break (only one break worked and it screeched horrendously which was another reason for not wanting to use it) he managed to slow down slightly. This gave the panicked beast the chance to jump out of the way and escape a sure death. Pancho looked over his shoulder quickly. He dearly hoped that no villager had come to the conclusion that Pancho was trying to kill their dogs. In his wise opinion, that impression would be most unfavourable. Finally unable to hold in a little laugh at the dog’s ludicrous idiocy Pancho rolled on home.
Another interesting and often encountered facet of Thai society is the alcohol consumed frequently referred to as whiskey when speaking English (some times it was whiskey, sometimes brandy and at times even vodka). In any case, Punee being a relatively remote village with nothing much to do in spare time, people turned to drinking for entertainment. Generally Pancho, did not mind a little tasty nip, but at times it was just a bit too much. This was not so much for his hardy physique but because it simply wasn’t the most interesting pass time. The occasion that convinced him that he maybe would prefer a little less involvement in these beverages was a Sunday afternoon. He had been invited to his advisors house for an extended meal. In fact the meal lasted from 2pm till 9pm. At the end of this Pancho was absolutely satisfied and could not eat even one more mouthful. In the process he had been also fed generous amounts of whiskey by one of the village policemen present at the “party”. Not minding at all, Pancho indulged this man and had as much as his advisor deemed suitable. Her being used to Thai standards of drinking tolerance, she stopped Pancho early, which considering the end, was probably a good move. After having joked about riding like a snake (because of drinking) he finally did set off on his bicycle in a fashion eerily similar to that of a snake. This however was obviously not due to alcohol but a result of his bicycle being so old. Not riding in a snake like fashion was quite a feat when just starting off on this vehicle. Accordingly his advisor’s impression of Pancho being drunk was strengthened.
Not being drunk however Pancho felt quite fit to join his host brother’s (Pinball’s) little gathering when he got home. This gathering was naturally for the means of finishing the whiskey bottle at hand. Not a problem for Pancho. With his world renowned fortitude he could probably pull off 2 or 3 of those bottles.
The next morning however, Pancho noticed that it had been a bit more than he had anticipated. He had failed to notice being drunk but the headache and flunky stomach were a good indication that he had had quite a bit.
Despite this life changing tragedy, Pancho’s iron discipline shone through and he set out to go for his usual morning run. In his opinion, the best cure for a hangover was a healthy dose of sport, with frequent water drinking and a hearty meal. Following his own advice Pancho was not surprised to feel a lot better after powering through the painful exercise. However the unrestful sleep, that frequently occured after drinking a lot, showed itself in Pancho being excessively tired. His advisor naturally picked up on this and quite correctly interpreted this as a symptom of a hangover. Pancho was now caught in a twist. He did not want to lie, for it was a hangover, but he did not want to admit that it was a hangover, as she would think it was a hangover from drinking only the alcohol at her bbq party. He was also not to tell her about drinking with his host brother as that was not deemed appropriate. For that matter neither was a hangover. Pancho’s tired brain came to the only possible conclusion. He responded with a firm “No”. His advisors grin indicated that she might only be joking. However as Pancho suspected there to be an inkling of truth behind every joke, as a man, he had to stand his ground and insist with a straight and solemn but very handsome face that this was not the case. And so he was left to further suffer in silence.

Patient and virtuous

Over his stay in Thailand Pancho’s waiting skills and patience had already been tested thoroughly. After a few weeks of practice he had become a true master of sitting around in silence while looking interested. Having to sit through incomprehensible meetings and evenings was comparable to watching the grass grow without any possible distraction. Maybe a fun activity for some, it did not quite match Pancho’s taste of intellectual stimulation. One occasion seemed to top everything he had previously experienced. The traditional Thai dance, conducted by numerous female dancers (students in this case) and an assortment of musicians in the background playing traditional Thai instruments. The schools in this country famously liked to engage in contests in order to determine who was best. This naturally included the subjects taught at school, but also any kind of afternoon activity. The traditional dance was an exception as students could even earn money with their performances outside of school.
This occasion featured a personal invitation by the performance director, his mother. It invited Pancho to attend his schools performance as well as several others in Amnat Charoen. In fact the contest was between 3 primary schools and 3 secondary schools.
The dancers, having woken up at 3am that morning to prepare the ubiquitous makeup and extraordinarily complicated hairstyles, had been awake for quite a while when Pancho elected to finally rise at 6 am. Despite this being far too late for the performers it was quite a feat for Pancho who had been continuously engaged in various activities such as eating, drinking and karaoke in the evenings.
The family owned tour bus then chauffeured the assembled dancers to the contest location.
Arriving on time at 9 oclock, Pancho was still quite fresh and eager to witness the performance in full costumes and make up. He had merely seen a rehearsal before.
The fun of the day started with a speech by one of the organizers. Not understanding one word, it was eventually translated for Pancho. The speech said that no sufficient equipment was present to begin the show. This warranted a 1 hour wait without anything to do but to stare at an empty stage. You may imagine that Pancho was thrilled at this point, however he did not let it affect is high spirits.
Soon after, Pancho was informed of a second announcement that he had failed to understand, despite his ever increasing language skills. His school was to perform last. When Pancho eventually found out about this, he was truly as happy as ever. He would be able to sit through 6 full performances! During his school’s rehearsal he had already experienced the full length of such a dance, spanning well into the reaches of 20 minutes or more. Considering that there were 6 performances this meant at least 3 hours. Judging that the empty stage would need a full new set up before every performance Pancho added another 10 to 20 minutes. In his most observant and uncanny estimate this meant 4 hours. He was still a bit on the short side as he discovered later.
As the first performance began, already the feeling of his getting up at that ungodly hour was having an effect. The first primary school was still quite interesting to watch. Despite the kids not being quite so adept as their older colleagues, Pancho was actually amazed at the quality of the performance. With the increasing heat of the day this amazement turned into a subtle hint of tiredness for the second show.
Pancho initially battled to stave of the imminent sleep but finally thought it wiser to inconspicuously rest his head upon his arms and those upon his knees. A nodding head would very likely alert the people sitting near by that he was not terribly interested in the procedures. Thus, although he dropped away for a few instances he was saved the embarrassment of being seen falling asleep. Although truth be said his mother probably suspected so.
One can imagine what Pancho felt like for the next 3 performances when the second had been so draining already. Fantastic would be a fitting description. Over the next few hours, he was offered food and some movement which made things mildly better. But sitting in the same position for too long and Pancho was afflicted with the same issue again and again.
Nearing the performance of his own school, his tactics had changed. Standing had become the new weapon of choice in this desperate battle for survival. But Pancho was amazed that it was still possible to nod off dangerously while on two feet.
Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, it arrived. Actually being interested in the success of his school’s performance and the various costumes, Pancho’s tiredness had literally blown away completely. In the end he was quite impressed, despite some of the dancers forgetting to smile (no wonder after having to wait for almost 6 hours to perform).
In his amateur but wise judgment out of the three high schools competing, his was clearly the best. And so it came that when the winner was announced the group around him jumped up in ecstatic joy and shouted out all their pent up anxiety and frustration at having to wait so long. Pancho, in the middle of this tumultuous hubbub only had the energy to smile and give several people high fives. One thing that slightly unnerved him however was that during the performance the lead singer (who could quite frankly sing amazingly) frequently seemed to direct a smile in his direction. Considering the amount of times that Pancho had been asked whether he was an available bachelor during his few weeks here, he would have to be mindful. Supposedly some Thai women (and men) found it very easy to become attached to a foreigner despite their being nothing one could describe as more than brief conversations. Any normal member of the public suffering from such ludicrous delusions would be problematic enough; a student however could prove deadly.
And so the perils never ended.

Things are very different

Pancho’s mornings had already settled into a usual order. This consisted of waking up, followed by the usual bathroom activities, getting dressed and having breakfast. Despite Pancho being well used to this daily ritual he managed to have a slight hiccup on one occasion.
In his usual automated movement patterns, his trousers and shirt made their way onto his body. Buttons done up, shirt tucked in and belt fastened, only his zip remained. This scene Pancho decided was worth mentioning due to its frequent appearance in comical film productions. He had never believed that an incident so dreadful was physically feasible. That morning his naïve beliefs were corrected by one of those lessons only life can provide. As one may imagine, doing up the zip of one’s trousers is normally quite a simple procedure. One hand grabs the zip, the other the trousers and before one has had time to think about it, the zip is closed and the world is one’s oyster. This action is not often prone to malfunction. Having completed this tricky feat approximately 20000 times in his life without any major incident*, any arising issue could well lead to a life changing accident. Luckily, that morning life decided to give Pancho nothing more than a very sharp warning. Things were not to be taken too lightly; especially activities appearing mindlessly simple. Anything more than this shock and close escape, could have ended Pancho’s adventure in Thailand with one swift movement.
None the less, Pancho did actually survive this incident and was later introduced to one of the classes he had not taught yet. Friday’s was already his most busy day with 4 classes to teach. This was not an easy feat considering how much energy one class of 40 students took. To Pancho’s dismay this class was a tad larger than he had imagined. After the first 40 students had trickled into the room he began to teach. Teaching in this case is whatever he could do without the means of a blackboard or proper classroom (they were in a meeting hall without tables or chairs). The flow of students did not quite subside either. Within 10 minutes, Pancho was finally allowed to witness the full extent of what teaching this period would entail. 130 students in the last period, on a Friday, in a room without fans, tables, or chairs. Luckily a whiteboard had been swiftly brought forth. Explaining things without speaking Thai and without the possibility of drawing to communicate was absolutely impossible. Considering the size of this class, their lack of commitment and the relatively high sound level he did however with the help of the whiteboard eventually manage to convey a few simple concepts. In his thoroughly educated opinion, Pancho wondered whether this class was not better off having the afternoon off.
After mastering these stupendous hurdles, the weekend ahead seemed positively liberating, despite not know what to do with himself.
Pancho was not to worry however. In his wisdom he knew that something would creep up, as it always did in Thailand. This was even the case when he intended to go to sleep and did not want to do anything at all.
This time, he was eagerly invited by Pinball to play football. This second match he was allowed to take part in was quite a fun affair. The villagers and Thai people in general had an excellent set of skills on the ball; however Pancho could not help but notice a coherent lack of any tactical discipline throughout the game. Being one who excelled in intelligent and effective play and not trickery, Pancho naturally found it challanging to singularly guide the ball through the entire opposite team and then to forward it into the tiny goal that was guarded by what seemed to be 3 goalkeepers.
This second match however his skills had lost some of their rustiness, to the point of assisting in the revenge of his team’s previous defeat (1:3). A strong comeback after being two goals down warranted a final victory of 3:2.
What actually caught Pancho’s highly observant self however was the animal grazing at the side of the pitch. In the first instant an uneducated fellow might have mistaken it for a very large and strangely shaped thing. Pancho’s discerning eye however identified this beast in less than an instant. Despite standing on 4 legs as wide as trees and being a decidedly young specimen it was still taller than him. Calmly it fed itself grass with its long trunk while seeming to constantly have smile upon its face. Remarkable how an animal could consistently look so good humored while being herded by a human not even a 10th its size. In case any of you readers have not been able to guess the magical creature mentioned here, it was an elephant.
Apart from being very active on the sporting field and teaching the young minds of Punee and surroundings, Pancho also was frequently, always without previous warning, whisked away. Often it was even a mystery to him where or for what intent he was being taken.
In one instance for example Pancho had played a gentlemanly match of Badminton with his Father’s friend, when he was informed that somebody was going to travel to the next biggest village. Due to his not so fluent Thai Pancho did not quite comprehend who was going there or for what reason. It turned out that after some waiting around (he did a lot of this in Thailand) he was to accompany his father’s friend (Zed) and his family to dinner.
By now Pancho had gotten used to these eventualities and did not mind not being able to plan ahead. It did cut into his time of repose frequently however, as he was often invited to multiple engagements, each obviously without his knowledge.
This occasion with Zed, his wife and his son was a tasty dinner of Thai duck and Thai fried chicken. It must be highlighted that this style of fried chicken was not anything one is used to in the west. In fact it was so hard and crispy that Pancho was not sure whether he was actually eating the meat or the bones. Despite this understandable ignorance one could call the meal quite tasty. Additionally, in good old Thai tradition (as Pancho had come to know) Zed had brought a bottle of Whiskey (actually brandy, but everything was called whiskey). Zed, having a sore throat did not partake in this ritual while Pancho decided to have the drink without the obligatory soda water and ice. He felt like actually being able to use his developed taste in brandies to judge this one (the best Thailand had to offer).
Pancho however, not being able to taste much quickly discovered that there was a good reason for drinking brandy with soda water while eating. This was especially the case in north eastern Thailand where dishes tended to be especially fiery. This keen discovery was that when in pain with the heat of at least 20 chilies, an undiluted beverage such as brandy tended to amplify sensations significantly. So much for alcohol dulling pain. Soon Pancho was struggling to eat or drink anything else than ice cold water. His mouth interestingly felt as if his gums had been chafed raw.
Smiling politely Pancho thanked his host as was appropriate and soon after, having been delivered back home quickly disappeared into his room in order to avoid any other unplanned excursions.
In the peace and quiet of his private living quarters Pancho could lean back and intellectually engage with the subject of Thai culture. As an educated man Pancho frequently enjoyed such pass times in order to keep his mind sharp and focused.
The Thai culture, as he had experienced, had some fascinating nuances that seemed quite contrasting to a foreigner such as him. On one side there was the presence of the Buddhist religion (except for the Muslim south Thailand). This religion, represented primarily by its monks was filled with an ancient wisdom very close to the ideals of scientific thought. Observing the basics, this religion managed to unite the way of thinking in science with the concept of being a human in an “imperfect” world. What was more, the Buddhist religion in many cases lacked clouding fundamentalism frequently found in the monotheistic religions. Pancho rather valued these conceptual ways of thinking. However he argued, as it was with any religion, many people believed without understanding where these beliefs stemmed from. And it was no different with many Thai people. One could have such an amazing collection of wisdom on one’s doorstep and yet at the same time literally be scared of ghosts and other sorts of conjectures. Pancho mused about peoples’ minds when they asked him whether he was scared of ghosts. But it was another question that struck him as a wondrously unfamiliar attitude.
The conversation began quite innocently one may say.
“Do you have a King in your country?”
There not being any King in the country that was considered Pancho’s, he answered honestly.
“No” At this point, due to the likely ignorance of some readers it must be explained that the King in Thailand has the supreme status above everything else. He is literally loved by every Thai. Pancho had not met any exceptions yet and doubted that he would.
The question that ensued from his reply completely threw Pancho. He had not even suspected the possibility of being able to think such a strange thought.
“But who does everybody love then?”
At that point, if one listened closely one could quite possibly hear Pancho’s brain cranking up from idle standby to 10% capacity (this bringing up operational intelligence to what would normally be considered a phenomenal genius).
Pancho quickly conjured up a reply that satisfied his need for subtle diplomacy.
“Our head of state is the president”
This answer adeptly threw his conversational partner off course and made further discussion of such a dangerous topic fall flat.
Matters of the King could be a dangerous topic of conversation when one was not of the same opinion.


* Calculation: Having lived 18 years since being able to do up zips, minus 4 years for the amount of button up trousers worn, times 365 for each day of the year, times 4 for the occasion of going to the toilet or having to zip up an undone zip in a day, roughly rounded, equals 20000 times.

Food, teaching and other experiences

With the exception of a slight lingering of a persistent cough Pancho was healed. In his prime, he decided to flaunt his physique down the country lanes of Punee.
Despite the certainty of having a body shaped in the classical ideal, Pancho had a twinge of worry when he realised the large amount of food that somehow managed to make its way into his stomach. He had not gained any weight, and yet he trusted his wisdom not to test this exemplary natural advantage to its limit.
His first run in a few months, Pancho did to his dismay notice that his fitness had dropped somewhat. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed and yet it was never a good feeling to fail one’s own standards. And Pancho’s were as high as they get.
That morning he encountered a fellow he had been introduced to before. Past half way mark of his quick jog, a lonely figure appeared around the corner. Quickly the familiar looking fellow caught Pancho’s eye. In seconds he had passed, giving a smiling and friendly greeting on his way. Not being any less polite Pancho returned the greeting and admired this bundle of energy. His name, or his easier shortened name, was Pon. Pancho had had the honour of witnessing some of his Thai boxing skills during a short demonstration. And just one kick to the pads proved that this lad who barely reached the height of Pancho’s shoulder was not somebody enjoyable to mess with. That is of course in comparison to the multitude of brawny men Pancho had knocked out on the streets during his long lifetime. In this case he did not even have the desire to attempt a cheeky unsuspecting shot out of nowhere. Doing battle was one thing when one knew of certain victory. But uncertainty was always a gamble. Not liking to gamble and considering that this matey was about half Pancho’s size, it would be a foolish danger. Even a victory would not reflect well upon our hero. After all he should pick on somebody his own size. Hence, it was always a good idea to be polite and to maintain everybody’s social standing and face.
Soon after returning home form his brisk but refreshing morning walk, following a rejuvinating shower and a hasty breakfast Pancho’s mother stood ready and offered him some Thai cakes. Not one to turn down the possibility of tasty food Pancho obliged. However his eyes chanced to scan the use by date on one of the packets. To his dismay they had been out of date for a while. Normally Pancho was not one to fuss about sweets that were slightly out of date. As long as they tasted the way they were supposed to there was no issue. However, not knowing how these Thai sweets, they had a sweet bean filling, reacted to old age he preferred not to gamble, yet again. A calculated guess would be better maybe. Adept as he was at acting wisely Pancho ate the one cake where the packaging was not bloated. And as was to be expected after such a well calculated decision no consequences ensued, except maybe a slight regret that he had not eaten the second cake as well.
Finally in school that day, the freshly baked teacher would have his work cut out for him. Today was his first day teaching the youngest students. And judging by the fact that the skill of the teacher as well as the students’ increased with age, he was not very hopeful for the class of 12 to 13 year olds. Pancho thought their teacher still in her 20s, it was awfully difficult judging ages with Thai people however. Despite this teacher being quite charmingly pretty he enjoyed the class less than he had anticipated. With the high aims of teaching his students the wonders of Shakespeare and Keats, Pancho felt slightly at odds with reality. In this particular class, the students seemed to not even understand simple questions such as, “how old are you”. This, Pancho could still accept, considering these poor buggers had never heard the beautiful language of English spoken the way it was supposed to be. But despite his infectious good humour he could not help notice a slight hindrance in trying to teach these youngsters a bit of fine western culture. Every time he said something to one of the pupils, instead of using their brains and setting about to decipher this cryptic tongue they took the easy and lazy way out and simply turned towards their beautiful teacher for help. Every time this happened, and it happened a lot, Pancho had to use his most formidable acting skills to hide his dismay behind a mask of joyous content. Eventually, smiling all the way through, he battled his way through a class of utter uselessness and left with the hollow feeling of defeat in the pit of his stomach. But, willing to see the good in everything, it was only his first lesson with those mouldable young minds. There was yet ample time to change the situation to everybody’s advantage.
Pancho’s nerves were to be tested yet again however. Having his second class with one of the graduating year groups Pancho wanted to offer them something up to date and informative. Trying not to overextend their simple grasp of what could be considered only a glimpse of English, he picked an easy news item freshly off the internet press from good old England. It was a short piece on a stray greyhound that had finally been found skulking around on a motorway.
To start off lightly a beaming Pancho wrote out the title and attempted to explain it.
20 minutes later the feat was accomplished. Pancho could honestly believe that the class had understood the title. However he had no way of checking, as neither understood the other and the students were quite unresponsive as usual. A thoroughly positively minded chap however, Pancho steamed ahead with the first sentence. At that point he seemed to hit a brick wall. And this was not any odd brick wall you might hit in a class taught in modern western ways of teaching. This was the great wall of brick walls.
The undertaking proved impossible. None of the English language, so beautifully laid out remained. Towering over the carnage, Pancho tried to direct his despairing troops towards the bright gleaming beacon of understanding by using numerous drawings on the blackboard. But alas, it was to no avail. This day of teaching had been a grim defeat.
After a hearty lunch, the setting gloom lifted a bit. Only two battles had been lost. The war had only just begun. And already the formidable circuitry in Pancho’s skull was whizzing through the multitudes of plans of attack to drive out the enemies of a good grasp of the English language. His first stepping stone had to be to animate his students to dare open their mouths. So the day had not been lost but lessons had been learned, conclusions drawn and hopes had risen once again. With fresh determination Pancho set out.
The next day he was free from the hassles of teaching unresponsive teenagers. After helping in the preparations, he escorted the English department and participants to an English contest at a nearby school. If it had been up to Pancho these youngsters would have had the drills of their lifetime, perfecting their chosen disciplines in a flash. But things did not quite run that way in Thailand and his troops were mustered in a state as good as one could hope.
Eventually at the venue, his fears that preparation had been uncompetitive proved unfounded. The other participants were almost certainly equally unprepared.
Despite these good news Pancho did encounter many setbacks and one first handedly.
Due to his naturally instilled talent at pronouncing words in English Pancho was invited to preside over the spelling competition. In this, he was to read out 10 balloted words each round of three. Knowing full well, that the children were not used to any more or less correct pronunciations it would be an absolute disaster. However he was more than shaken when his own student merely managed to understand and write one single word correctly. Needless to say, she did not survive the first round and actually had the lowest score of them all. Pancho needed some distraction now.
Luckily one of his students did manage reward herself and Pancho for their hard work. This young girl was the one who had enjoyed most of Pancho’s attention the day before. She had been entered in the speech contest and for this had to speak 5 minutes about a chosen topic. Pancho helped correct the prewritten speech and thoroughly pummelled the piece into the kid. Needless to say she did extremely well. Pancho expected no less after his expertly wielded leadership. But, for not really understanding a single word of a well written 5 minute speechn winning a contest was quite a feat. Additionally the girl’s victory would allow her to prove her talent further at a later occasion in the semi finals.
Pancho did also have another distraction. He had been told that another foreign English teacher would be present. So he took special care of looking better than his splendid self that day. It was easy to impress the Thai people who were not used to the looks of a western foreigner. Especially because they thought white skin was beautiful. Foreigners however could tell the difference between effort and laziness.
And finally Pancho caught a glimpse of her, while he was sitting in one of the air-conditioned rooms with his colleagues. He had grown quite fond of air conditioning by now with the murderous heat and all. Actually it was not so much a glimpse as a whim of something passing by. And this whim, though Pancho did not actually see anything was not positive. Pancho’s stupendously accurate intuition was proven right a few hours later. He had been waiting laboriously for all the contestants to finally finish. Sitting outside one of the classrooms where a dictation contest was being held he was offered a proper glance. His hopes of having a faulty intuition sank low. It is important to mention here that Pancho is not a superficial person. Neither does he dislike overweight people in general; however this woman was somebody Pancho did not want to meet. And he could tell so from 20 yards away. She was larger than anyone Pancho had seen in quite a while, and the smug expression on her face paired with the horribly twisted accent that spouted from her fat lips made it impossible to watch without cringing. Pancho had to sigh with relief when their quick departure was announced. A narrow escape from having to hold an awkward conversation.
Sitting safely in the car back home, Pancho thought about why he had had such a strong aversion against a meeting. It was not an admirable thing to have such dislike towards somebody one did not know. However his sharp mind and uncanny reading of people made out the reasons for wanting to flee the scene. Firstly her whole demeanour, unpleasantly self satisfied facial expression and uneducated speech let him understand that a conversation with her would be highly unfulfilling. This most important reason can often be somewhat counteracted in Pancho’s personal opinion. If the opposite had at least some physical charm it was quite possible to simply watch without listening. Secondly however this woman managed the remarkable feat of causing one to want to avert the eyes. Thus there was no reason for looking for an introduction. Pancho’s incredible skills in reading body language and assessing the broader context had saved him from tricky situation. Not being able to express such a politically incorrect thought process openly somewhat saddened Pancho. There were few things more enjoyable than openly failing the insanity of political correctness.
Finally having returned home that day, Pancho was once again invited to a duel of badminton with his father. Knowing full well that his skills were increasing significantly with each match, the offer could not be turned down. This time his father, though being a true master, only narrowly escaped defeat. An invitation to a bottle and a bit of the finest Thai brandy ensued.
Around the same date Pancho’s host brother returned from Bangkok. This fellow being the same age as Pancho himself proposed the hope of some enjoyable pastime approaching. Not to say that his time had not been enjoyable in Thailand. But one has to openly admit that when spent with somebody in similar circumstances (i.e. age) experiences create a stronger bond.
Pancho’s and his brother’s (Pinball) first joint experience was one that was quite memorable.
Driving around Punee they stopped at a restaurant to pick up a tad to eat back at home. On the way it proved evident that communication between Pinball and Pancho was not in the realm of possibility yet. Pancho spoke hardly any Thai, while Pinball did not know any English. Thus not even able to communicate through hands and feet both managed to talk a lot without having a conversation.
What made the experience more memorable however was the point where the pimp mobile they were travelling in suddenly ran out of gas, to the point where it was completely empty. The two were sitting at the side of the road, trying to restart the car when without forwarning the heavens above tore asunder and released an ocean full of water. The rain pelted down. Pancho could see the humour in the situation and even managed to spot a glimmer of hope. Just across the street was a petrol station. Would it now be possible to fill up there?
Simply pointing at the station started the first successful conversation between the two young men. The reply however was far wordier than Pancho’s use of his hand. Pinball replied with a shaking of his head and pointed at the petrol gage. “LPG…. Ubon!”
Pancho’s brilliant mind understood immediately. The car worked on LPG which could only be bought up in Ubon Ratchathani. What joy! They were merely a kilometre away from home, a matter of minutes to walk, but the rain was pelting at such a degree, that standing outside one stood in serious risk of drowning. Additionally they stood in front of a petrol station but had to travel at least 60 kilometres to find the fuel they needed. Sitting back and relaxing Pancho watched this spectacle with good humoured interest. Nothing happened for a while until Pinball got out his phone. To everybody’s relief he had just bought new credit for calls a few minutes earlier. Though not understanding the content of the phone conversation Pancho could tell that matters would be dealt with. A few minutes later he saw the headlights of one of the family’s off road cars appear behind the curtain of rain. Its steel cable for towing cars was attached to the pimp mobile in a few instants. Pinball was still drenched to the bones when he got back in. Pancho had been told to remain in the car considering his cough still lingered.
Eventually both returned home safe and sound. It was a brilliant start to a friendship that would be filled with more such antiques Pancho hoped. This incident was complimented the same evening with an interesting request by Pinball. It had been conveyed to Pancho that Pinball was trying to woo a girl into becoming his girlfriend. His brilliant idea, as Pancho was kind enough to admit, was to convince her by writing a love letter (phone message) in English. Any observant reader would now certainly suggest that this was not possible considering that this fellow spoke not one inkling of the language. But what else had Pancho come to Thailand for than to help and assist those in dire need. Through his mother’s translation skills Pancho understood that the letter was to be as cheesy as remotely possible. To Pancho this felt somewhat strange. Back home a message of that kind would be enough to send a new acquaintance scrambling for safety, in Thailand however it seemed the absolute minimum.
Using his infamously poetic streak Pancho thus expertly crafted a passage so inspiringly dripping with adoration that he himself could not help but feel the rush of love as he read through it.
It goes without saying that this masterpiece fulfilled its purpose expertly. Pancho did wonder how much of the message this girl did understand in the end however.
Additionally Pancho was in for an interesting dinner as well. Sitting at the table in the yard once again, he was surprised to be served something that the others referred to as a snake. Not just any snake either, but a cobra. Not knowing whether to take these comments seriously Pancho inspected the contents of the bowl himself. Judging by the scaly skin, he concluded wisely that he was not after all the subject of an elaborate prank.
A few moments later he had even tasted the meat and decided that it was quite to his liking.
Thus his stay in Thailand had provided Pancho, the snake eating poet, with yet another set of highly unexpected and interesting experiences.

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