Creatures of Bureaucracy

The Kingdom of Thailand was a fairly tropical country. This meant that there was a natural abundance of bloodsucking mosquitoes. Of course this was nothing unexpected to Pancho’s well traveled self; however there was a minor detail he was unaware of when he arrived. Some of these mosquitoes grew to monstrous sizes, where a bite would swell up to a mountain that could easily be mistaken for an extra limb.
Occasionally these beasts would infiltrate Pancho’s room and bathroom. If they made it into his room it became an especially riveting nuisance. They would search out any possibility to bite their favourite spot which was around the feet and ankles. The worst was in fact if they managed to attack through the soles of the feet. The resulting itch would be bad enough to actually wake Pancho up from deep slumber. He did manage to mount an effective defence by using the cover during the cold season, however when it was hot the only available protection was the fan that would hopefully blow the pesky bloodsuckers away. In the end Pancho always had to hope that the mosquitoes would eventually die of hunger or be eaten by one of the numerous spiders. In fact that hope was one of the reasons why Pancho had become fond of the many little spiders and their homely cobwebs in the corners of his room. Although he had a natural aversion against these eight legged creatures their small size ensured that they did not bother his busy mind. However, there was one spider that stood out.
In fact it stood out so significantly in terms of size that he would never have accepted it in his room (He had to chase it out once). But in his bathroom matters were different. Here it could be counted as his pet. It was a well sized huntsman that especially liked to position its self in the middle of the room. So every morning Pancho, in his gracious nature used the shower to herd his little friend into a safe place.
Compared to his room, the bathroom also proved an effective hunting ground for mosquitoes. Pancho’s keen eyes could pick them out more easily from the light background of the room as well as hear them better in the confined space. It was actually a relatively enjoyable activity. He would enter the bathroom only with a towel and suddenly hear that incredibly annoying buzz. Selflessly using himself as bait he would scan the room for any tiny movement. And SNAP his hands would shoot out and clap a mosquito in mid air or squeeze out its life on the wall.
On one morning, the spider was once again comfortably lazing about in the middle of the room. Not having herded it away yet Pancho’s spectacular hearing ability caught the subtle buzz of a mosquito. Within a few moments the beast had been slain. Being a gracious nature Pancho wanted to ensure that his pet got a balanced diet, so he dropped the dead mosquito next to the spider. No reaction. He tried again, this time dropping it onto the spider (He was quite clever when it came to these matters). Again no reaction. Well, if the stubborn pet refused to eat, Pancho had his morning toilet to get on with and turned on the shower. After a short and as usual frantic escape, Pancho was relaxing on the toilet, deep in the thought. His thoroughly important thoughts were rudely interrupted be the chirping of a bird.
This was nothing special as occasionally a bird or two would land outside of the little window. This window was not closed however. It consisted of two glass panes. The outside one was attached to the top but did not quite reach the bottom of the window while the inside pane was attached to the bottom but did not quite reach the top. Thus there was a gap for air to circulate. And occasionally mosquitoes. At this point in time Pancho’s still drowsy mind was not ready to accept any other kind of circulation. But before he realized anything, that peacefully chirping bird had entered his bathroom and was fluttering around wildly above. Pancho sat there, half ducked in disbelief. He was not really one to dislike birds but for some reason, they had never quite been what Pancho called nice animals, whether they tried to fly into his head, relieved themselves on him or tried to wake him up with their horrendous screeching, there was something about them that did not quite suit Pancho’s taste.
In any case the room was only about 2,50 meters long and 1,50 meters wide which meant hat the bird truly did not have much freedom of movement. Pancho was slightly helpless as to what to do. His current situation made it difficult to run out and get help. Toilet paper was not used in Thailand. And despite there being a little shower head beside the toilet, Pancho held the firm belief that one should have a proper shower before one could go wondering around the place. After a few moments of ducked deliberation he was about to take the risk and rush out. He couldn’t afford to be hit by a bird while showering. Just as he was going to lunge for the door the bird finally landed on the edge of the inside window and disappeared down the gap between the panes. Pancho sighed. Finally able to relax, he went about his business.
The business of the day in fact was the process of extending his visa. The plan was the following. First, drive to near by Amnat Charoen to get a photo taken. Then travel to the necessary immigration office in Khenmarat, which was about 140 kilometers away. And then head home. The first part went smoothly. The photos were taken, and picked up after a short wait. And after a few stops here and there, for his coordinator to get some chores done they set out again. They arrived in Khenmarat at about midday. After having spent half an hour finding the municipal office they finally went inside to get the necessary over and done with. Once inside however they were informed of a small problem. The immigration office had moved to Amnat Charoen a few days ago. Everybody had a good laugh. The coordinator, the advisor, the driver and Pancho himself. In fact Pancho did not mind as it meant he would have a day off school. The others did not mind as it meant they would get out of a boring 3 hour meeting. Thus after having had a quiet lunch right at the Mekong river they set out once again in the opposite direction. Around 3pm they found themselves once again in Amnat Charoen. The office was brand new and actually quite comfortable. The procedure did take a while and Pancho lost a significant amount of money for having to pay for the visa but eventually matters were settled. The Kingdom of Thailand officially allowed Pancho to stay on and further enlighten the masses. And that before the closing hours of 4:30pm! Before setting out on the trip back home a quick break was made at a coffee shop, to fill up the used up energy supply. Pancho returned home at about 6pm. As usual in Thailand, he had lived through an incredibly efficient day.

From Grungteep to Elephant Island

Pancho stepped off the train. It was early morning. The ride had been quite relaxed. In Pancho’s indisputable opinion he had gotten a decent amount of sleep. He immediately went to catch a cab to take him to Khao Sarn road, the seedy location that all western foreign tourists picked to congregate en masse. Pancho and his friends, not knowing Bangkok whatsoever thought it would be easiest and best to find accommodation there. The taxi ride did not take long, and soon after having been ripped off by the driver Pancho was waiting at 8am on a nigh deserted Khao Sarn road to be picked up by his friends and taken to their guesthouse. For they had been in town a few days longer.
Eventually the two appeared and led him back to their residence. Back in the room the three sat down for a while and exchanged news and a few of their very special experiences. Pancho also found out about a shady new contact they had made. An Italian with deep pockets, who was not disinclined to indulge them. The three friends were evidently charmed by this generous liquidity, though despite not having met him in person Pancho in his deep wisdom was not quite so convinced. In fact they had just returned from a thorough night out which meant that Pancho had actually had more sleep than they had. This in turn caused a dilemma for Pancho. He was disinclined to spend the day in a hotel room while the others slept off their intoxication. However he did manage to have a nap for a few hours before hunger awoke him and lured him out onto the streets. He semy satisfied the desire for food with an overpriced and pitifully attempted interpretation of an English breakfast and strolled down Khao Sarn road inspecting the goods on offer. Pancho, in his far traveled experience was slightly disappointed as he found many things on offer could just as well be bought in other tourist spots around the world. They were the usual tourist regalia that really did not have anything to do with Thailand or Bangkok. A shame really.
Of course Pancho was thus pleased when his friends finally mustered the strength to roll out of bed some time in the after noon.
Their intentions for the day however consisted of once again going out with their new dubious friend. Pancho, being of a slightly more mature outlook on life felt no inclination to spend all his time cajoling around town getting drunk. He rang up an old Thai friend of his he knew lived in Bangkok. Together they spent an enjoyable and relatively tame evening. Pancho’s friend Mars actually showed him a few interesting spots around Bangkok.
Over the following three days further foreigners on the same program joined their endeavors. The evenings generally turned into social gatherings involved in a light hearted occasional nightcap while what was left of the days was planned out by Pancho to visit different markets. Luckily this assault on Pancho’s finances only lasted a few days, the last one being the most interesting.
Sometime close to midnight the whole group of foreign teachers, and they were not few, headed out lead by the Italian and his brothers and friends. They casually dropped by fancy local night club. Pancho generally did not hold the expensive and fancy night clubs in high esteem, they tended to attract the dregs of wannabe high society, however this location was in fact very comfortable and a place worthy of his eminent presence. After Pancho had had several interesting conversations ranging from the intellectual and political to the topic of the simple pleasures of life the group finally decided that the time had come to leave.
Despite it actually being early morning already this proved the most interesting part of the night. On exiting the premises the Italians seemed to get into a bit of a fistfight with a bunch of Nigerians. Now Pancho was not disinclined to an occasional rough scruff with the local gangsters but he had no standpoint in this matter so simply stood aside waiting and watching. He had actually no desire to get himself injured or killed at the start of his holidays. While the shouting and occasional shoving went on for a while Pancho finally decided that he was hungry. The first sun rays were creeping through the alleys. So his good friend Robert and him made their way back to the bar in front of their guesthouse that served anything 24/7.
In addition to their satisfying breakfast Pancho, Robert a few of the other foreigners who had joined them were to witness a further outbreak of violence. Sitting at a table outside Pancho watched as one of the restaurant staff came backing out of the restaurant while some drunk, scruffy looking foreigner was trying to pour the contents of his drink over him. With his interest in cultural differences Pancho was fascinated to watch the reaction that took place. The foreigner’s action understandably did not go down too well with the rest of the restaurant staff.
In conclusion one can say that the foreigner most definitely learned the lesson the hard way. The punches and kicks of the whole restaurant staff would have most definitely left painful reminders. Despite his wisdom and previous conviction not to attempt such foolish behaviour this event strengthened his resolve. Do not start a fight with any restaurant or bar staff, or maybe any Thai at all for that matter. By the looks of things it was something that seemed destined to end badly. And in any case, he had never experienced a situation that could not be solved in a gentlemanly manner.
Following the night’s exciting entertainment Pancho and Robert convened on the further plan of action. Their intent had been to travel to Elephant Island that same day. Not having had any sleep the question arose at what time they were to head out. Pancho, by use of his unquestionably immense authority quickly made a decision. The time spent on catching up on sleep at the hotel would be a thorough waste, thus it was wisest to sleep on the bus to Elephant Island. Robert thoroughly agreed with this flawless conclusion. Thus the two sat around and chatted with some of the other foreigners while waiting for the time of departure. Their friend Phil had disappeared upstairs to have a nap and the other foreign exchange teachers (all female) had decided that they would wait around till midday to leave. Pancho was internally relieved that he did not have to travel with these buffoons. They had proven to be very tiresome companions who were not able to take care of themselves in any way whatsoever. I fact they were unbelievably adept at being a helpless bunch of good for nothings. He also could see impending disaster for those people. Getting to Elephant Island involved a lengthy bus ride as well as catching a ferry. Leaving that too late was not a good idea considering that one had to find accommodation on the island itself.
Pancho, Robert and Phil thus made a wise choice.
In the early afternoon they had arrived a the quay where the ferry was to cross over in 45 min. At this point Pancho received a distressed phone call from that helpless female delegation back in Bangkok. They had been told that there was only one bus to get to the island. Not feeling inclined to spend his time giving advice on the matter Pancho told them to stay another night and catch the early bus the next day (There was no will to even attempt the logical next step of asking another information source). They had been warned repeatedly and therefore Pancho had no desire to take responsibility for their spectacular incompetence. In fact it later turned out that there were a significant number of buses that went throughout the day, which just proved their inability to be even more astounding.
In the mean time, Pancho’s and his companions’ crossing to the island was fairly uneventful with the exception of the three gentleman’s choice in beverage. This choice fell on a very fine energy drink by the name of M150. They already had had several over the past 24 hours whenever they had become dangerously tired. And it worked fantastically although it tended to cause a slight giddiness in the brain region..
Once on the island the three stopped at the first beach they came upon. It was the main tourist beach and in their proven considerable opinion was a good starting base to figure out how life on the island worked.
The center of the island consisted of steep mountains, the highest one rising to about 800m. Thus while relaxing in the warm water the setting sun illuminated the mountains behind the beach in a fantastic display of otherworldly colours. Sadly Pancho’s camera was back in their relatively distant guesthouse room.
In contrast to the sunset the evening turned out to be an utter disappointment. Phil, giving in to his occasional lapses of wimpiness decided that he should sleep for a few hours before coming out in the evening. Robert and Pancho were quite explicit on the fact that this meant he would be out for the night. However even Pancho’s unmistakable genius on these matters could not convince the boy. Thus Robert and Pancho were on their own. It did not make much difference as the whole beach front restaurants and bars were literally deserted. Thus it was less of a coincidence than one would expect that Pancho and Robert ended up having an amiable chat with two ladies, the only ladies present that hadn’t come with husband and children, on a holiday from Canada.
The women, being still tired from the traveling and not very versed in the profession of overcoming jetlag retreated far too early for Pancho’s and Robert’s liking. It was barely 9pm and it seemed as if everything was dying down already. So after a quick splash in the refreshingly warm sea the two jolly good fellows called it a night themselves.
The following day, they decided to quickly get out of the place and find another beach, renowned for its many backpacker tourists. Pancho, not having been in contact with anybody speaking any other language than Thai or Lao (except for the buffoon squadron heading over from Bangkok) was in need of meeting new people, foreigners that is.
The second beach was a vast improvement. Firstly it proved to be far less developed than the first, more secluded and yet at the same time more filled with life as there seemed to be more guests. The other beach had been largely visited by families, this one however despite being mainly couples had a more lively, interesting and inviting atmosphere.
The three men spent their next 4 nights at this beach, meeting several new people and having a very relaxing time for the most of it. The rest of the group did finally make it to the island as well, but as before they tended to be more of an uninteresting nuisance. For some reason the only thing one could consider them to be good at was complaining and being mind numbingly boring do speak to. Another only slightly negative aspect was the weather. Pancho had looked forward to his time at the beach in the sun. He was however a tad disappointed when all he got was rain after rain after rain.
The worst case of rain was actually on the day he left the island. Pancho had woken up early to have a quiet breakfast and catch the minibus to the pier. The relentlessly pummeling rain turned this into a wet adventure however. Firstly when getting on the minibus (one of those pick up trucks with roofed benches on the back) Pancho was the last of several people who squeezed on. This meant that he was positioned right at the back and frequently was engulfed by the small waterfall that came down from the roof. By the time he reached the pier he was completely soaked. This matter did not improve as the rain continued to pour down and drench everything it touched while he walked to the ferry and after crossing over, to the bus.
Finally in the bus, he changed into a set of fresh clothes that meant he would not freeze to death in the air conditioned air. It was midday by now and Pancho had high hopes if reaching Bangkok by the late afternoon in order to catch the bus back to Phunee. He felt slightly inconvenienced when the bus ride to Bangkok itself lasted till 8pm. This had the unfortunate result that the bus to Phunee was sold out already when Pancho attempted to buy a ticket. He would have to take a detour to Ubon. After having bought his ticket, run around looking for his bus with people being idiots and seemingly not understanding his questions and losing half of his ticket he finally found his seat on the correct bus and could lean back in his usual good humoured way.
The ride was relatively acceptable Pancho found. He did manage to catch a spot of sleep and finally arrived in Ubon at 6am. Here he had to wait for the local pick up bus to take him to Phunee. After having had breakfast and waiting for several hours during which many people stopped and decided to ask Pancho where he was heading, and falling asleep a dozen times the minibus finally arrived.
Once on it, Pancho did his best keep his nodding head upright and eventually did arrive home after approximately 24 hours of travel.
Pancho was relieved. Before the holiday he had looked forward to getting away from Phunee, but now he was delirious to be back. He was once again able to eat home made food, not have to spend money on overpriced meals, not be ripped off as a foreigner or evade any of the other unpleasant events that tend to happen to foreigners while traveling through touristy areas of Thailand. Home sweet home it was.