The last days...

Training went on. The week felt absolutely endless to Pancho, only the not sufficient 9 hours of sleep broke the arduous routine of training and work.
The 4th day of the week saw Pancho extremely tired after his morning run. Fitness wise he had absolutely no issues as would be expected, however after having showered, eaten and come to school an intense tiredness overcame him that did not leave him till he got out and moving again.
His advisor as well as one of his friends, the PE teacher supplied Pancho with additional materials for training. Including more Namman Muay and various tapes to protect his injured foot (the blister was still healing).
So despite having been so tired through out the day training went better in the evening. In fact it went pleasingly well, Pancho noticing his considerable improvement. This was until Pancho as well as his coach both had a momentary laps. It can not really be explained, but the pad holder just didn’t move fast enough while as happens once in a while Pancho’s kick was not aimed correctly. This led to Pancho kicking the pad holder in the elbow instead of the pad. Pancho was immediately convinced, in that very moment that he would shortly be in severe pain. And what wonder. With his great wisdom he had predicted the future correctly. A sever pain shot through his foot where he had hit the elbow. It was actually so painful, that Pancho feared the foot to broken. Despite never having broken a bone in his body (demi gods’ bone simply didn’t break) Pancho was quite worried and imagined that it may prevent him from competing. This renewed shocking revelation of not being perfect clearly signaled the end for the day’s training. Despite the session having gone well this last injury put a significant damper on Pancho’s mood. At the rate he was picking up injuries he would be an invalid before the fight.
Just to reassure the most likely terrified reader at this point, Pancho had in fact not broken his foot (His body was after all made of demi god material).
The following day, a Friday training was restricted. Having been so thoroughly tired from running the day before, Pancho skipped the morning run in order to sleep longer. At training, his foot still feeling broken and taken on an interesting colour, kicks with his left leg were out of question. But despite only training under half steam the session was followed by something positive. Pancho was invited to his coach’s house/hut (Thai rural farmers have literally nothing more than wooden huts to live in) for dinner. The relaxing atmosphere and plentiful food after training were very welcome to Pancho who slept extremely well that night. Additionally the weekend had finally arrived so he would be free of the bothersome nuisance of work.
The next two days were thus somewhat relaxing when one ignored the need to overcome the mental agitation leading up to such a fight. As a first timer this was all new to Pancho and quite fascinating to him .However not that it really mattered to the probably most extraordinary fighter the world had ever seen (Different people have different concepts of what constitutes extraordinariness. Luckily for Pancho’s peace of mind the fact that he was a foreigner constituted enough extraordinariness for the Thai village folks.)
Pancho had been waiting for his mouth guard to arrive, being sent from back home (he did not want to have to buy a new one) However, as it had not arrived yet, despite having been in the mail for more than a week, he was worried it would not make it in time. So his wonderfully observant advisor went about the matter and bought a new one. This was a good decision on her part as the parcel with the mouthguard actually arrived the day after the fight. The only use Pancho got from it was an ironice smile.
On the weekend Pancho slept in and went for a morning run with his brother Pinball (after reaching school his brother however lay down and had a nap instead of running along side Pancho on his 14 laps)
Training in the evenings was quite relaxed, to start off with. But Pancho suddenly felt anger rise in him when people would criticise his technique. Luckily (Well not really, it was to be expected of him) he was wise enough to let out this anger while attacking the pads. However becoming angry was not normal for Pancho. He was somewhat surprised and wondered what could influence his usually very jolly nature in that way. Was it tiredness or some kind of heightened level of testosterone? Or maybe even the pressure to perform? He did not know, which was one of the few times in his life that Pancho was at a loss. But it mattered little as he could control it.
For the rest of the weekend Pancho just lay around and decided to watch movie after movie to distract him from the incessant reminders of the fight. The first three Rocky movies put him somewhat in the mindset for the fight while Platoon and Slumdog Millionaire offered a welcome distraction. His favourite pastime however was to nap.

Days 2 & 3

And so the second day of training came. Pancho, like a faultless master clockwork, woke at 5:30am and set out on his 9km jog. Although he was aware of his supreme physical condition Pancho was never the less surprised when after the 9km run he was not even slightly out of breath.
Despite this impressive fitness, teaching the kids at school felt like an unnecessary waste of energy at this point. In his limitless wisdom he made a note to remember this next time he thought of accepting the challenge of a fight. After all he had come to the Kingdom to spread the language of commerce and failed/doomed empires and not to become a professional fighter.
Evening training saw a marked improvement in general. His trainers and him were getting used to each other.
So the second day passed by smoothly and was a full success. A vast contrast to the following day.
Despite going to bed extremely early for normal standards, 8:30pm, Pancho did not succeed in starting his morning run. After the tough training plus teaching of the previous two days his body was in dire need of more sleep. Hardly even noticing he just switched off the alarm and fell asleep again immediately.
When he woke his intention was to make up for it at training in the evening, after a tiring day at work.
Generally fighters used an oil Namman Muay (boxing oil) To warm up before a fight and Pancho was to try it out before training. However as he had run to the facilities and already done his warm up he had sweated considerably already (luckily he had gotten used to the climatic conditions). Not having tried Namman Muay before he was not aware of the dangers. His training comrade informed him however that it should not be applied when sweating, so they waited duly till Pancho was dry again. Then two people started massaging the oil into his arms, followed by his torso and finally his legs. Initially Pancho did not have any problem, it was quite relaxing. After a few minutes however he noticed a marked change in his general well being. He now understood why this oil should not be applied after sweating. His whole body, having had the oil rubbed in, started burning as if it was one massive extremely bad sunburn. The pain was so bad that Pancho could not even stand still. He proceeded to walk around dramatically and shout at intervals. After a few minutes, the pain finally subsided and his heart rate seemed to slow to normal speed. Following that intense pain the bliss of feeling normal again made him extremely relaxed.
His skin had become bright red as all his blood seemed to have come to the surface. Pancho inquired somewhat unsure, whether the oil always had this effect but was reassured that it was not half as bad when done before any exercise. There was no doubt he could take the pain, but of course he was happy that it did not have to be so.
Reassured that he would not have to endure such pain again he could set out on his training. It did not start well. For some reason nothing seemed to be working quite right. So, once again Pancho returned home tired but not satisfied with the progress made. Due to his general perfection Pancho of course also had the expectation that anything he touched or committed to would prove to be perfect as well. Thus he was less than satisfied that things were not working out as planned.
At home Pancho was greated by his host brother Pinball. He mentioned that he had gone to watch Superboy train and proceeded to inform Pancho that his kick was strong and his clinch (When both fighters grab each other around the neck and try to bring in elbows to the head or knees to the body) was also extremely powerful.
Pancho was not delighted. Having deep knowledge of the workings of the human mind, he knew that after an unsatisfactory training session (something extremely seldom in Pancho’s experience) he needed a moral boost and not a warning telling him how strong the opponent was. He was in fact annoyed, a state of mind Pancho seldomly found himself in, due to his exquisitely balanced mental strength. But as he knew that he was in a less than positive mood due to being tired he convinced himself to forget his annoyance. Pinball was just trying to help. Maybe Pancho would after all just have to clobber this fellow called Superboy without the expected spectacle of his furious fists and crushing kicks.
That night Pancho was so tired and preoccupied with the fight in 5 days that he failed to sleep for a large portion of the night. Was Pancho maybe not so perfect after all, he asked himself? Could it actually be?

Training Day 1

Once returned from that camping trip where interestingly enough no actual camping happened, Pancho set out with determination to train for his first fight.
He had exactly one week to make physical and mental preparations. And whatever one may think, a first professional fight is a big step, even when one has the many gifts that Pancho possessed. Not having been in the ring before it was the mental preparation that was crucial. One could have the best technique and most outstanding physique and fitness (which he did have), but the mental constituent would be the most important, as to how he was going to use these perfected tools and how he was going to react when punched, kicked, elbowed or kneed.
So despite his superiority over Superboy, Pancho wisely guessed that the difference in experience could make the fight tougher for him than he anticipated initially. But not to worry, it would still end in a clear defeat for the deluded Thai who was willing to face him. Ensuring the most overbearing physical superiority one could achieve within a week, training meant about 9km runs in the mornings before a 9 hour work day and 2 to 3 hour training sessions in the evenings. These sessions went from shadow boxing, working the sandbag, to pad work (the coach held a set of pads which the trainee attacked) and extremely light sparring. Extremely light in this case in order to prevent injuries.
Despite these precautions Pancho could not escape blessures. I know this is virtually impossible for you, the reader, to imagine that Pancho Wodehouse, conqueror of the human condition, could get injured. But exceptional circumstances could result in normally impossible results. The exceptional circumstances in this case were the pressure of only a week of training an Pancho not being used to his trainers (Porn’s dad and a taller friend) while they were not adapted to his impeccable style. During pad work the tall lad especially would not be sure where to hold the pads or in what way. Thus on this first training day, a Monday, Pancho’s toes took some beating. The main issue was however that a blister he had gotten on the ball of his right foot had healed over the weekend, but the skin tore off during training, leaving Pancho with a hole in the foot that was probably not ideal.
Additonally, due to not being used to pad work any longer (he hadn’t trained like this in a while) or his partners, Pancho felt out of shape, only seldomly able to throw a kick or land a punch he was happy with in his very demanding opinion. Needless to say, by the end of the day Pancho was not entirely satisfied with the prgoress. His form was not fight worthy by far (It would not be a spectacle of grandeur) and his injuries could cause problems during training. During the fight itself such little matters as blisters or sprained toes did not matter as it would be relatively short and intense, no time to think about redamaging a blister.
But the injuries were a different matter for training. During this intense week they could worsen and eventually make a fight impossible (one could not fight effectively with an infected foot or a broken big toe). This less than optimal start was where the mental preparation came in. As a frequenter of deep thought and exploration of his own mind Pancho was in fact in an exceptionally good position to prepare for this as well. Turning such feelings of insufficiency into ambition and enthusiasm for the next session was thus fantastically easy for Pancho.
He would destroy Superboy in the ring and ensure that nothing was left of him to prove his previous existence. He returned home that evening, eager for food, a shower and bed but certainly no conversation about the upcoming fight. It was entirely sufficient to train such long hours. While not busy training Pancho wanted some distraction.
In the end, despite being extremely confident he was aware that he would have to improve considerably in order to display the magnificent show he intended to give the audience. Realisations such as these made Pancho’s level even more unachievable for the average human. Pancho loved a good challenge as it was hard enough for this towering example of human perfection to find any challenges in the first place.

Pancho Wingchattour

Since his return from the holidays on Elephant Island Pancho had displayed a strong commitment to maintaining a good level of fitness. The one and a half weeks of lazing around and doing nothing in the holidays but indulging in beer and other fantastically enjoyable little sins left Pancho feeling extremely out of shape and uncommonly unfit. This was not acceptable. As an individual striving for perfection of the human mind and shape he had to get to work again. So Pancho, rediscovering his iron self discipline set out on a strict daily training regime that would undoubtedly snuff out the spark of life in any but the hardest and meanest men on the planet. The effects of his renewed zeal for training showed quickly after a week already.
Pancho’s student coach in Thai boxing agreed to have sessions again. He would have a fight in a few weeks time and welcomed Pancho’s presence to practice some techniques on the most challenging opponent possible. For Pancho was significantly larger. Heavier and stronger than him. His only point to concede was naturally the technique which could not be easily beaten in a native who had been doing the sport from virtually from birth. His father had has well over 200 fights in fact and was still active once in a while.
At one point during training Porn, his coach actually remarked that Pancho looked a lot fitter than he had during training before the holidays. Already knowing that he his deadly training regime was taking effect Pancho simply cordially acknowledged this. He was shaping up to be in prime condition.
Despite already being in possession of such an uncompromisingly perfect physique before, renewed training under the serious auspices of an upcoming fight completed Pancho’s training methods and would allow him to reach his maximum potential. On a good day this would surely take him to the level of a demi-god. The new training was so tough that in fact he needed to ease into it slowly.
During this first session his teacher friend Thing, the physical education teacher told Pancho that the official thai boxing fight promoters were in fact interested in him taking part himself. Knowing his own imposing appearance he fully understood that he would attract a vast crowd. Who would not want to see this man in possession of a perfectly sculpted balance of body and mind to hand out a thrashing. It would be jolly good fun.
But Pancho was not quite certain that he wanted to fight somebody a lot lighter and smaller than him. Thais his size were rare. Where would the challenge be? And also he found little honour in being able to beat somebody without hope.
So Pancho reluctantly agreed after a lot of convincing, but he really did not know. In fact he was slightly tired from all this hard training and he was also not sure whether a mere week of serious training would suffice to allow him to offer the fantastic show the spectators would surely expect of him.
Over the following day, while teaching these innocent and unburdened students of Phunee these thoughts weighed down on heavily on Pancho’s broad shoulders. That day after careful consideration he decided to reject the offer. He did not want to have to disappoint all those hopeful spectators who would come in hope of witnessing a spark of the divine.
That evening however, at training Thing offered to take Pancho to meet this opponent who was crazy enough to want to face Pancho in the ring. Supposedly this guy was grossly overweight and not too much shorter than Pancho. Again being repeatedly pressured Pancho at least agreed that he would have a look out of simple politeness.
Following training and after a short motorcycle ride through several small villages they arrived at the training ground of some of the other contestants. The opponent was currently not present however. Pancho was under the impression that this scallywag had probably run and hidden out of sheer terror. He did not quite believe that this guy was off drinking with friends and not taking the possibility of a fight seriously. So just to see whether he was correct in his assumption Pancho waited till he had been found.
The guy eventually showed up. He was not quite as fat as described but to Pancho’s amazement he was not scared either. Thus Pancho found new respect for this fool who was about to face his demise. This guy was drinking instead of training and would also only have a week to prepare. And despite all that he was willing to face one of the most complete fighters on the face of the earth! These Thai’s were certainly a different type of people, not afraid of pain. By this time Pancho felt like he had to accept. There was no way he could let this insolence escape unscathed. This fighter by the name of Superboy was not quite as fat as previously described and he was pretty close to being Pancho’s height, which weighed him in at 80 kilos, significantly heavier than Pancho in his trained state. But even the 4 professional fights this man had behind him did not make Pancho feel like he should spare him. He agreed and his name was marked down as Pancho Wingchatour (The second name being the bus company of his host families, considering that they were pretty much his sponsors).
Pancho now had a serious mission. He would have to make the victory spectacular in order to make Wingchatour a famous name throughout the Kingdom. A defeat though highly unlikely in Pancho’s most humble opinion, was possible due to injury for instance. Such a case had to be averted under any circumstance as his name and his sponsor’s name would be tarnished for eternity.
But before serious trainingg could start Pancho was to go on that camping weekend in Khon Kaen with Charterous, his host father, hence the no drinks policy that was not quite held upright. Pancho was thoroughly confident and all that this would be a jolly good little fight.

Khon Kaen

Pancho had managed to survive a few weeks since having arrived back from his trip to Koh Chang (Elephant Island). His initial enthusiasm at being back had waned at a considerable rate. However the monotony of country life was often interrupted by various activities. Whether these were enjoyable or not was often a tricky question to ask.
In this case, after much anticipation Pancho was finally to experience his host father’s hobby: The off-road club of Thailand, which he had been a founder of some 20 odd years ago. Due to the remote location of their dwelling attending this event without a doubt required no uncertain amount of traveling.
Before the departure on an official holiday which also happened to be a friday, the school officials had to attend the ceremony of King Rama V’s birthday. For this all the district’s officers (teachers were official government officers) came together on the central field in front of the district head quarters. Each school or office placed a large picture of Rama V with adorning flowers in front of the building to commemorate the dead King. And in the end everybody stood around for a while listening to some surely important speeches (Pancho did not understand them) and generally looking forward to embarking on the long weekend.
Pancho’s hostfather’s (Charterous) initial intention was to leave town at about 9am. Right after the ceremony. Pancho as efficiently as his high percentage of European blood urged him to got up early and made all necessary preparations well in advance. When returning home after the ceremony however Pancho was utterly unsurprised that Charterous was nowhere to be found. The exceptional Thai talent of changing plans at the last minute had once again struck. Pancho went back to “work” at his computer. Work frequently consisting of reading the news and certain commentaries on political as well as economical matters. A true citizen of the world had the duty to stay informed and alert to all developments. How else could one otherwise possibly devise a plan to conquer the world (This was Pancho’s secret and humble plan). All in all however, when Pancho managed to be honest with himself, he had to admit that it was a fantastic and also enjoyable waste of time.
Eventually his father finally arrived back and announced their imminent departure for 12am. Luckily this was the case as Pancho had more or less devoured anything of interest available online).
Once on the road they picked up Charterous’s best friend, Sir Day. After a few hours drive and listening to some old American 60’s and 70’s songs, a welcome break from the constant Esarn whining, they made a stop at a military camping shop. While Charterous and Sir Day were busy browsing for various bits and pieces, such as camouflaged foldable tables or camouflaged foldable field beds or anything camouflaged really, Pancho found it more interesting to have a closer look at the signs and texts printed on the covers of some of the tents and so on. For instance, in between the excessively beautiful camouflage green on one item he found Nazi Germany symbols as well as short texts praising Hitler. Despite the unthinkable nature of this in many so called civilized areas of the world, for the deep well of wisdom and knowledge that Pancho was, there was no surprise. Many Asian countries were educated entirely differently. The people henceforth saw Hitler as a man who achieved great things for his country. Hitler was more a sign of strength than anything else. Pancho had had several conversations about this topic already, educating people that his achievements may have been great, but great in a thoroughly evil and horrible way. Despite such frequent statements of praise only possibly eliciting outrage from westerners Pancho felt more amused by such clear naivety. As a fine tasting connoisseur of all matters politically incorrect, statements such as “I love Hitler, I love Hitler” were the pinnacle of the achievable. Such a simple statement was considerably the strongest manifestation of differences in culture, shared knowledge and upbringing.
After having been on the road for a few more hours and a few shots of whiskey the three finally arrived in Khon Khaen. Here, parked in front of the hotel, Pancho found many fascinating vehicles, but was instantly lead up to the outdoor restaurant with swimming pool. The early evening centered around this location while large amounts of food and alcoholic beverage were consumed. Pancho refrained, for he had an important engagement within a few weeks that did not allow for consumption of such unwholesome evil. He ate the food and quenched his thirst with some of the good old H2O. Closer to midnight, after Pancho had once again been terrorized by mosquitoes, three very lightly clad females emerged from the hotel and started dancing around the pool. This was without question to the delight of all assembled males who started behaving like little boys. Pancho found this spectacle quite enjoyable himself until he was asked to dance with one of the girls. At this point he could not go any further and felt his honour being put in jeopardy.
He had come to the Kingdom on official visit and did not think it wise to have any incriminating photos taken of him. For Pancho realized slyly that that would surely happen if he bowed to their demands. In fact Pancho was acutely aware that such photos could be damaging for any later position he may hold, and he did not want any evidence for personal reasons, thus he refused.
In complete truth however, Pancho was never one to do things when commanded or asked to. Especially such things where the other men around evidently just did not have the nerve to do it themselves. If it did not come from his own initiative he would be as stubborn as a donkey.
At this point the author would like to interject that Pancho’s looks had in no way any resemblance to said animal.
In Thailand and many parts of Asia elders were at the top of the hierarchy. Generally, Pancho with a world of wisdom at his disposal thought this was a very good way of dealing with things. Older people generally held more experience and wisdom. This system however naturally only augmented the usual hierarchy levels at the work place and through out society in which obviously a mayor of a town stood above a farmer, no matter what the age difference.
This system generally worked well but as usual there were exceptions. Pancho was happy to defer authority to his elders at work at school. They had decades of experience in teaching Thai students, however were at times open for help from Pancho which he dispensed enthusiastically in ample amounts. But when it came to matters of leading a life or intellectual and philosophical issues Pancho identified himself undoubtedly far beyond the average. Despite the relatively short years of his life he had mastered the secrets of life as was to be expected of such a gifted individual. He thus found it inappropriate that the members of the off-road club had anything to say to him in terms of how to lead his life or behave when it came to the gentle sex. Pancho could enjoy this display in front of the pool, but he was certainly not one of the riffraff to join in the cajoling and yelping around. Making oneself look like a fool was a method Pancho only used when events required it. At this point there was no reason to do it.
Nevertheless Pancho had an enjoyable time sitting and watching. He had after all been locked up in a little village with nothing much to look at for male eyes. And a man in his prime certainly had natural needs.
Once the ladies left most of the off-road’s club’s members disappeared into the dark of the night. Only a Charterous, Sir Day, Pancho and a few others remained. Charterous was busy engaging a pretty hostess in conversation for quite a while in which he evidently used Pancho to show off (Pancho was not impressed. He was of the opinion that a lady was to be convinced through good looks, a good head and clever conversation, not through showing off who one knew or what on owned). Eventually the last few stragglers made their way to the cars. As usual for Thailand, not being informed of the further plan Pancho thought they were heading to the camping ground but in fact they all piled into a pick up truck and drove to another hotel with a club in the basement.
This was Pancho’s first visit to an officially Thai club. The group was seated as prominence right in front of the stage. Pancho was not so surprised to see the whole club sitting at tables. There was no dance floor. People in Asia just did not tend to dance for recreational purposes.
As soon as they had sat down and gotten their drinks (Pancho decided that if he was to be in a club for next few hours one drink would not do any harm) the show went on and about 10 Thai girls came on stage “dancing”. Pancho at first found this exquisitely amusing. Again they were very lightly dressed. But after about 5 minutes a tad of disinterest began settling in. It was a very strange scene, not unlike a strip club (the women did not take their scant clothing off however), with the exception of the absolute lack of talent and skill of these girls for dancing. Pancho’s companions further behaved the way he had come to expect and the night went on for a while in that way. Pancho could in the end not say that he did not enjoy himself, however he did find the whole situation quite strange and otherworldly.
The most enjoyable event of the whole night was without a doubt when a nearly 2 meter lady boy with huge breast implants and some kind of black marker pen all over his face decided to make a move. In a state of rising panic Pancho wildly made it clear that he was not interested in a conversation or for that matter even looking at the unsavoury appearance.
When they finally left the club in the early morning hours, some of the members conspicuously drunk, Pancho regretted only one thing. Despite his incredibly charming self he had missed the opportunity to ask for contact details of a not uninteresting lady. Impressively she spoke good English, which was understandably a prerequisite to hold a good conversation in Pancho’s case. Then again, he thought wisely, maybe it was for the best. The lighting could be misleading in any night club he attempted to convince himself.
Having squeezed back into the car the group then had a midnight snack consisting of a dish called PadThai. Pancho had had this many times before and was not a big fan of it as it tended to be quite sweet. However he had yet to experience its spicy variant. This one seemed especially so. Soon after eating a few mouthfuls the spiciness made itself felt in his stomach. Pancho had become accustomed to such food here, however he was not very proficient at eating it when it did not have a side dish such as rice to clean the palate. Accordingly he just about managed a quarter before his concern over the state of his stomach took overhand. Luckily his worries proved unfounded. His stomach had acquired a new strength. It could now withstand the assaults of even the spiciest Thai food. This meant that Pancho was, as incredible as it sounded even weeding out the few weaknesses that he had in the first place. Soon his only weakness may well be that he is so terrifyingly perfect.
Following a meager 4 hours of sleep, the morning contained a not uncertain amount of joy. After a short opening speech, the hundreds of cars and trucks of the off-road club event were to drive to various sightseeing spots throughout the day. Charterous had asked Pancho whether he wanted to join the ride on one of the accompanying motorcycles. Not sure whether to say yes, he decided to take the risk and have some fun for once. Life could be quite boring if one never tried anything new. Thus Pancho set out on the back of a chopper for a 40 kilometer ride down the highway. The motorcycles as nimble as they are were thus able to bypass all the traffic and Pancho got a prime view of the full strength that the off-road club had managed to assemble. It was a spectacular sight. Nearly as spectacular as it felt for Pancho to race down the highway at 150km/h without any protection between him and the hot and hard road screaming past below him. He had jolly good old blast.
But due to the lack of helmet after the first stint and the not too infrequently deadly nature of Thai traffic, his responsible side convinced him to return to Charterous’s car and take it easy for the rest of the day. During this time he actually became rather tired, especially including the beer that he had to drink out of courtesy.
Over lunch some of the ring leaders of this rugged band decided to show Pancho something they called Thai style sashimi. This was basically raw meat dipped not into a wasabi soy sauce consistent not of wasabi and soy sauce but of a mixture of onion, water, sugar and many many many scoops of dried chilies. Needless to say, despite Pancho being accustomed to spicy food by now, this sauce was spicier than his amazing propensity for creativity could imagine. Even only dipping the meat into the sauce shortly made Pancho’s mouth weep for 20 minutes. He had to repeat this several times for the camera. Eventually half dazed in pain when he was finally left to his own devices. Not having any weaknesses however, Pancho stood firm.
Later on that day the congregation finally got to the camping ground by a huge lake. The off-road club had also invited a BMX biking club that had built a large ramp and was busy showing off impressive tricks while everybody else was setting up camp. At this camping ground, that had a huge stage with ridiculously loud speakers, Pancho got a taste of his third meal that had the propensity to eat through steel. It was a version of the Somtam as one usually got it in Esarn. Shredded Pappaya in a just a tad spicy sauce. In this case the cooks had outdone themselves. Pancho took a mouthful of what looked like a little papaya in a sea of chili seeds. No problem! It actually tasted jolly good. 30 seconds later, without having eaten any more he was at a loss of words, inhaling and exhaling rapidly to do anything against that slightly uncomfortable feeling in his mouth.
That evening Pancho found himself to be short tempered. It must have been the lack of sleep... Charterous and Sir Day had gotten thoroughly drunk in the afternoon and were thus initially not the jolliest companions. Additionally they thought it proper to send Pancho back and forth to the car to take away this or bring back that. If Pancho had been Thai he would have accepted his role gratefully, after all that is what this society very respectful of their elders is based on. But Pancho was not Thai and due to his temper found it thoroughly annoying that these men could not go and take away or bring back these things themselves, such as shoes or camera chargers.
There was nothing to do be done however. They much less understood Pancho’s cultural background than he understood theirs. So he knuckled down and got on with it. In any case, it was not like he was missing out on anything.
One thing he was not looking forward to that night was the camping. He did not see how it would be comfortable to squeeze into a small tent with three people. He was thus relieved that around 9pm his host father announced to him that they would be leaving as both Sir Day and Charterous had work to attend to back home. Pancho slept virtually throughout the 5 hour car ride, including the midnight meal they had.. Finally in his own bed it was once again home sweet home for Pancho. As fun as these events were, nothing beat coming back to the ease of home.

Creatures of Bureaucracy

The Kingdom of Thailand was a fairly tropical country. This meant that there was a natural abundance of bloodsucking mosquitoes. Of course this was nothing unexpected to Pancho’s well traveled self; however there was a minor detail he was unaware of when he arrived. Some of these mosquitoes grew to monstrous sizes, where a bite would swell up to a mountain that could easily be mistaken for an extra limb.
Occasionally these beasts would infiltrate Pancho’s room and bathroom. If they made it into his room it became an especially riveting nuisance. They would search out any possibility to bite their favourite spot which was around the feet and ankles. The worst was in fact if they managed to attack through the soles of the feet. The resulting itch would be bad enough to actually wake Pancho up from deep slumber. He did manage to mount an effective defence by using the cover during the cold season, however when it was hot the only available protection was the fan that would hopefully blow the pesky bloodsuckers away. In the end Pancho always had to hope that the mosquitoes would eventually die of hunger or be eaten by one of the numerous spiders. In fact that hope was one of the reasons why Pancho had become fond of the many little spiders and their homely cobwebs in the corners of his room. Although he had a natural aversion against these eight legged creatures their small size ensured that they did not bother his busy mind. However, there was one spider that stood out.
In fact it stood out so significantly in terms of size that he would never have accepted it in his room (He had to chase it out once). But in his bathroom matters were different. Here it could be counted as his pet. It was a well sized huntsman that especially liked to position its self in the middle of the room. So every morning Pancho, in his gracious nature used the shower to herd his little friend into a safe place.
Compared to his room, the bathroom also proved an effective hunting ground for mosquitoes. Pancho’s keen eyes could pick them out more easily from the light background of the room as well as hear them better in the confined space. It was actually a relatively enjoyable activity. He would enter the bathroom only with a towel and suddenly hear that incredibly annoying buzz. Selflessly using himself as bait he would scan the room for any tiny movement. And SNAP his hands would shoot out and clap a mosquito in mid air or squeeze out its life on the wall.
On one morning, the spider was once again comfortably lazing about in the middle of the room. Not having herded it away yet Pancho’s spectacular hearing ability caught the subtle buzz of a mosquito. Within a few moments the beast had been slain. Being a gracious nature Pancho wanted to ensure that his pet got a balanced diet, so he dropped the dead mosquito next to the spider. No reaction. He tried again, this time dropping it onto the spider (He was quite clever when it came to these matters). Again no reaction. Well, if the stubborn pet refused to eat, Pancho had his morning toilet to get on with and turned on the shower. After a short and as usual frantic escape, Pancho was relaxing on the toilet, deep in the thought. His thoroughly important thoughts were rudely interrupted be the chirping of a bird.
This was nothing special as occasionally a bird or two would land outside of the little window. This window was not closed however. It consisted of two glass panes. The outside one was attached to the top but did not quite reach the bottom of the window while the inside pane was attached to the bottom but did not quite reach the top. Thus there was a gap for air to circulate. And occasionally mosquitoes. At this point in time Pancho’s still drowsy mind was not ready to accept any other kind of circulation. But before he realized anything, that peacefully chirping bird had entered his bathroom and was fluttering around wildly above. Pancho sat there, half ducked in disbelief. He was not really one to dislike birds but for some reason, they had never quite been what Pancho called nice animals, whether they tried to fly into his head, relieved themselves on him or tried to wake him up with their horrendous screeching, there was something about them that did not quite suit Pancho’s taste.
In any case the room was only about 2,50 meters long and 1,50 meters wide which meant hat the bird truly did not have much freedom of movement. Pancho was slightly helpless as to what to do. His current situation made it difficult to run out and get help. Toilet paper was not used in Thailand. And despite there being a little shower head beside the toilet, Pancho held the firm belief that one should have a proper shower before one could go wondering around the place. After a few moments of ducked deliberation he was about to take the risk and rush out. He couldn’t afford to be hit by a bird while showering. Just as he was going to lunge for the door the bird finally landed on the edge of the inside window and disappeared down the gap between the panes. Pancho sighed. Finally able to relax, he went about his business.
The business of the day in fact was the process of extending his visa. The plan was the following. First, drive to near by Amnat Charoen to get a photo taken. Then travel to the necessary immigration office in Khenmarat, which was about 140 kilometers away. And then head home. The first part went smoothly. The photos were taken, and picked up after a short wait. And after a few stops here and there, for his coordinator to get some chores done they set out again. They arrived in Khenmarat at about midday. After having spent half an hour finding the municipal office they finally went inside to get the necessary over and done with. Once inside however they were informed of a small problem. The immigration office had moved to Amnat Charoen a few days ago. Everybody had a good laugh. The coordinator, the advisor, the driver and Pancho himself. In fact Pancho did not mind as it meant he would have a day off school. The others did not mind as it meant they would get out of a boring 3 hour meeting. Thus after having had a quiet lunch right at the Mekong river they set out once again in the opposite direction. Around 3pm they found themselves once again in Amnat Charoen. The office was brand new and actually quite comfortable. The procedure did take a while and Pancho lost a significant amount of money for having to pay for the visa but eventually matters were settled. The Kingdom of Thailand officially allowed Pancho to stay on and further enlighten the masses. And that before the closing hours of 4:30pm! Before setting out on the trip back home a quick break was made at a coffee shop, to fill up the used up energy supply. Pancho returned home at about 6pm. As usual in Thailand, he had lived through an incredibly efficient day.

From Grungteep to Elephant Island

Pancho stepped off the train. It was early morning. The ride had been quite relaxed. In Pancho’s indisputable opinion he had gotten a decent amount of sleep. He immediately went to catch a cab to take him to Khao Sarn road, the seedy location that all western foreign tourists picked to congregate en masse. Pancho and his friends, not knowing Bangkok whatsoever thought it would be easiest and best to find accommodation there. The taxi ride did not take long, and soon after having been ripped off by the driver Pancho was waiting at 8am on a nigh deserted Khao Sarn road to be picked up by his friends and taken to their guesthouse. For they had been in town a few days longer.
Eventually the two appeared and led him back to their residence. Back in the room the three sat down for a while and exchanged news and a few of their very special experiences. Pancho also found out about a shady new contact they had made. An Italian with deep pockets, who was not disinclined to indulge them. The three friends were evidently charmed by this generous liquidity, though despite not having met him in person Pancho in his deep wisdom was not quite so convinced. In fact they had just returned from a thorough night out which meant that Pancho had actually had more sleep than they had. This in turn caused a dilemma for Pancho. He was disinclined to spend the day in a hotel room while the others slept off their intoxication. However he did manage to have a nap for a few hours before hunger awoke him and lured him out onto the streets. He semy satisfied the desire for food with an overpriced and pitifully attempted interpretation of an English breakfast and strolled down Khao Sarn road inspecting the goods on offer. Pancho, in his far traveled experience was slightly disappointed as he found many things on offer could just as well be bought in other tourist spots around the world. They were the usual tourist regalia that really did not have anything to do with Thailand or Bangkok. A shame really.
Of course Pancho was thus pleased when his friends finally mustered the strength to roll out of bed some time in the after noon.
Their intentions for the day however consisted of once again going out with their new dubious friend. Pancho, being of a slightly more mature outlook on life felt no inclination to spend all his time cajoling around town getting drunk. He rang up an old Thai friend of his he knew lived in Bangkok. Together they spent an enjoyable and relatively tame evening. Pancho’s friend Mars actually showed him a few interesting spots around Bangkok.
Over the following three days further foreigners on the same program joined their endeavors. The evenings generally turned into social gatherings involved in a light hearted occasional nightcap while what was left of the days was planned out by Pancho to visit different markets. Luckily this assault on Pancho’s finances only lasted a few days, the last one being the most interesting.
Sometime close to midnight the whole group of foreign teachers, and they were not few, headed out lead by the Italian and his brothers and friends. They casually dropped by fancy local night club. Pancho generally did not hold the expensive and fancy night clubs in high esteem, they tended to attract the dregs of wannabe high society, however this location was in fact very comfortable and a place worthy of his eminent presence. After Pancho had had several interesting conversations ranging from the intellectual and political to the topic of the simple pleasures of life the group finally decided that the time had come to leave.
Despite it actually being early morning already this proved the most interesting part of the night. On exiting the premises the Italians seemed to get into a bit of a fistfight with a bunch of Nigerians. Now Pancho was not disinclined to an occasional rough scruff with the local gangsters but he had no standpoint in this matter so simply stood aside waiting and watching. He had actually no desire to get himself injured or killed at the start of his holidays. While the shouting and occasional shoving went on for a while Pancho finally decided that he was hungry. The first sun rays were creeping through the alleys. So his good friend Robert and him made their way back to the bar in front of their guesthouse that served anything 24/7.
In addition to their satisfying breakfast Pancho, Robert a few of the other foreigners who had joined them were to witness a further outbreak of violence. Sitting at a table outside Pancho watched as one of the restaurant staff came backing out of the restaurant while some drunk, scruffy looking foreigner was trying to pour the contents of his drink over him. With his interest in cultural differences Pancho was fascinated to watch the reaction that took place. The foreigner’s action understandably did not go down too well with the rest of the restaurant staff.
In conclusion one can say that the foreigner most definitely learned the lesson the hard way. The punches and kicks of the whole restaurant staff would have most definitely left painful reminders. Despite his wisdom and previous conviction not to attempt such foolish behaviour this event strengthened his resolve. Do not start a fight with any restaurant or bar staff, or maybe any Thai at all for that matter. By the looks of things it was something that seemed destined to end badly. And in any case, he had never experienced a situation that could not be solved in a gentlemanly manner.
Following the night’s exciting entertainment Pancho and Robert convened on the further plan of action. Their intent had been to travel to Elephant Island that same day. Not having had any sleep the question arose at what time they were to head out. Pancho, by use of his unquestionably immense authority quickly made a decision. The time spent on catching up on sleep at the hotel would be a thorough waste, thus it was wisest to sleep on the bus to Elephant Island. Robert thoroughly agreed with this flawless conclusion. Thus the two sat around and chatted with some of the other foreigners while waiting for the time of departure. Their friend Phil had disappeared upstairs to have a nap and the other foreign exchange teachers (all female) had decided that they would wait around till midday to leave. Pancho was internally relieved that he did not have to travel with these buffoons. They had proven to be very tiresome companions who were not able to take care of themselves in any way whatsoever. I fact they were unbelievably adept at being a helpless bunch of good for nothings. He also could see impending disaster for those people. Getting to Elephant Island involved a lengthy bus ride as well as catching a ferry. Leaving that too late was not a good idea considering that one had to find accommodation on the island itself.
Pancho, Robert and Phil thus made a wise choice.
In the early afternoon they had arrived a the quay where the ferry was to cross over in 45 min. At this point Pancho received a distressed phone call from that helpless female delegation back in Bangkok. They had been told that there was only one bus to get to the island. Not feeling inclined to spend his time giving advice on the matter Pancho told them to stay another night and catch the early bus the next day (There was no will to even attempt the logical next step of asking another information source). They had been warned repeatedly and therefore Pancho had no desire to take responsibility for their spectacular incompetence. In fact it later turned out that there were a significant number of buses that went throughout the day, which just proved their inability to be even more astounding.
In the mean time, Pancho’s and his companions’ crossing to the island was fairly uneventful with the exception of the three gentleman’s choice in beverage. This choice fell on a very fine energy drink by the name of M150. They already had had several over the past 24 hours whenever they had become dangerously tired. And it worked fantastically although it tended to cause a slight giddiness in the brain region..
Once on the island the three stopped at the first beach they came upon. It was the main tourist beach and in their proven considerable opinion was a good starting base to figure out how life on the island worked.
The center of the island consisted of steep mountains, the highest one rising to about 800m. Thus while relaxing in the warm water the setting sun illuminated the mountains behind the beach in a fantastic display of otherworldly colours. Sadly Pancho’s camera was back in their relatively distant guesthouse room.
In contrast to the sunset the evening turned out to be an utter disappointment. Phil, giving in to his occasional lapses of wimpiness decided that he should sleep for a few hours before coming out in the evening. Robert and Pancho were quite explicit on the fact that this meant he would be out for the night. However even Pancho’s unmistakable genius on these matters could not convince the boy. Thus Robert and Pancho were on their own. It did not make much difference as the whole beach front restaurants and bars were literally deserted. Thus it was less of a coincidence than one would expect that Pancho and Robert ended up having an amiable chat with two ladies, the only ladies present that hadn’t come with husband and children, on a holiday from Canada.
The women, being still tired from the traveling and not very versed in the profession of overcoming jetlag retreated far too early for Pancho’s and Robert’s liking. It was barely 9pm and it seemed as if everything was dying down already. So after a quick splash in the refreshingly warm sea the two jolly good fellows called it a night themselves.
The following day, they decided to quickly get out of the place and find another beach, renowned for its many backpacker tourists. Pancho, not having been in contact with anybody speaking any other language than Thai or Lao (except for the buffoon squadron heading over from Bangkok) was in need of meeting new people, foreigners that is.
The second beach was a vast improvement. Firstly it proved to be far less developed than the first, more secluded and yet at the same time more filled with life as there seemed to be more guests. The other beach had been largely visited by families, this one however despite being mainly couples had a more lively, interesting and inviting atmosphere.
The three men spent their next 4 nights at this beach, meeting several new people and having a very relaxing time for the most of it. The rest of the group did finally make it to the island as well, but as before they tended to be more of an uninteresting nuisance. For some reason the only thing one could consider them to be good at was complaining and being mind numbingly boring do speak to. Another only slightly negative aspect was the weather. Pancho had looked forward to his time at the beach in the sun. He was however a tad disappointed when all he got was rain after rain after rain.
The worst case of rain was actually on the day he left the island. Pancho had woken up early to have a quiet breakfast and catch the minibus to the pier. The relentlessly pummeling rain turned this into a wet adventure however. Firstly when getting on the minibus (one of those pick up trucks with roofed benches on the back) Pancho was the last of several people who squeezed on. This meant that he was positioned right at the back and frequently was engulfed by the small waterfall that came down from the roof. By the time he reached the pier he was completely soaked. This matter did not improve as the rain continued to pour down and drench everything it touched while he walked to the ferry and after crossing over, to the bus.
Finally in the bus, he changed into a set of fresh clothes that meant he would not freeze to death in the air conditioned air. It was midday by now and Pancho had high hopes if reaching Bangkok by the late afternoon in order to catch the bus back to Phunee. He felt slightly inconvenienced when the bus ride to Bangkok itself lasted till 8pm. This had the unfortunate result that the bus to Phunee was sold out already when Pancho attempted to buy a ticket. He would have to take a detour to Ubon. After having bought his ticket, run around looking for his bus with people being idiots and seemingly not understanding his questions and losing half of his ticket he finally found his seat on the correct bus and could lean back in his usual good humoured way.
The ride was relatively acceptable Pancho found. He did manage to catch a spot of sleep and finally arrived in Ubon at 6am. Here he had to wait for the local pick up bus to take him to Phunee. After having had breakfast and waiting for several hours during which many people stopped and decided to ask Pancho where he was heading, and falling asleep a dozen times the minibus finally arrived.
Once on it, Pancho did his best keep his nodding head upright and eventually did arrive home after approximately 24 hours of travel.
Pancho was relieved. Before the holiday he had looked forward to getting away from Phunee, but now he was delirious to be back. He was once again able to eat home made food, not have to spend money on overpriced meals, not be ripped off as a foreigner or evade any of the other unpleasant events that tend to happen to foreigners while traveling through touristy areas of Thailand. Home sweet home it was.