Ubon Ratchatani - City of sin

Another night’s sleep and Pancho felt as good as new, with exception of a slight cough. Today however he would make the great trek to the city of sin, Ubon Ratchatani. In these forsaken parts, Pancho thought to himself, any larger city could be well considered a cesspool of the filthy and criminal. He would not be hoodwinked by any human scum on this journey though. His itinerary was quite simple as a matter of fact. Doctor’s visit and then a short bout of shopping.
At quite on the spot 9 o’clock of this bright and hot Saturday morning his advisor appeared in the living area (open living areas don’t have any doors to knock on). She quickly bade him to join her and her brother in the car.
Her brother, Uncle Paan, was quite the character. His humour spoke of great ease of living and contentness with his lot in life. He had no issues taking the mickey out of himself repeatedly. His laugh was infectious and his face one of kind benevolence. Additionally he was not an uninteresting character. This fellow had been the eminent director of a school before he had decided that the simple life of a farmer was more to his liking. Pancho respected such a choice and thought it mightily admirable to have such a streak of sincerity. He secretly hoped that he had it as well and would not end up as some ruthless banker that preyed on the weak and unsuspecting. But alas, life takes turn in strange directions when one least expects it.
Accordingly, the hour long ride to the city went by in a flash. When the car finally drove down the outskirts Pancho could already smell the beat of life in this place. Although Ubon was probably not immense, compared to Phunee it felt like being in one of the great cities of the world.
Soon all three were sitting in the crowded waiting room of an eminent doctor’s private clinic. Pancho had been told much about this man, how great he was and all. Such talk could only bring a sarcastic smile to his usually life loving face. He did not trust a doctor, a lawyer or a banker before having fully gotten to know them, and even then they tended to surprise.
Well the three sat there for at least two hours which gave Pancho ample time to dissect his impression of the waiting room. Soon with his most accurate sense of perception he noticed that everybody who came out of the treatment room received a significant amount of medicine which they had to pay for in cash. The amounts, both of pills and money were not immense; however they would certainly build up. Pancho wondered whether these people actually required all that medicine and how many pills and types he would receive himself.
If one watched him at this point in time a perceptive fellow might have noticed that the great and unstoppable gears of a genius brain were cranking up in Pancho’s skull. And they did not disappoint. Within instants the multitude of information had been processed, analysed and filed.
He saw straight through the scheme. The doctor was the one who earned by selling the medicine. Thus everybody who came to see him naturally had to be sick; otherwise the doctor would not make any money. Intelligence and perception were naturally not the only hallmarks of the great Pancho Wodehouse however. His wisdom was renowned around the world not less than many a hundred year olds. One could not only blame the doctor. It was evidently the system. Firstly the doctor should never be allowed to sell the drugs himself, secondly he should earn enough to never have to get into that situation in the first place. The third and much larger issue was probably the matter of pharmaceutical producers. They naturally would love this system of spreading their products through the populace. It was virtually a guaranteed amount of sales, no matter if people were sick or not. Quite clever actually Pancho thought. And it was evil as well. But not the type of evil that Pancho could admire. This was the kind of evil that was driven by the greed for money. There were no principles behind this evilness, it was pure greed driving weak people.
The evil that Pancho could respect and admire was that with principles. The evil, that was evil for the sake of being evil. It did have a charm after all, being the evil sorcerer high up in the tower, terrorising the most definitely poor and obviously innocent farmers. One had to admire such dedication in not feeling any compassion. Luckily Pancho was quite content with his position in society as the absolute pinnacle of civilisation. He was higher than evil or good. He simply WAS and it was difficult to negate this fact.
Pancho’s flow of thoughts was eventually interrupted by being called into the treatment room. His first impression of the doctor was nice enough. This man even spoke enough English to make himself understood. A very educated and worldly man for Thai standards Pancho could tell, despite this man’s hairdo lacking understanding of fashion or style. A twinge of pity entered Pancho’s smile. He always had to remind himself that not every body had the innate and intuitive understanding of style.
What actually fascinated Pancho however was this doctor’s realization that Pancho had the normal seasonal influenza instead of the deadly swine flu (H1N1). Simply by using a stethoscope to check Pancho’s breathing and a torch to check his throat the doctor made the distinction that under normal circumstances required a laboratory. Could this doctor actually be in any way similarly adept at everything as Pancho was? Very doubtful.
Pancho naturally did not mention any of these fascinating facts to his advisor. Firstly he wondered whether his Thai and her English were developed enough to start talking about genetic makeup and surface protein structure. Secondly he doubted that it was a good idea to break these people’s belief in the doctor. Outsiders trying to improve things very often lead to matters taking a turn for the worse. This is especially the case when they are not familiar with what they are dealing with. Despite Pancho having analysed this situation fully and seeing what was wrong, his understanding of the strange Thai culture was still somewhat bellow perfection. Hence he would have to wait at least till the end of his stay in order to have a go and reshaping the country’s medical system.
So Pancho very agreeably decided to concentrate on shopping. This was not so much a question of what to buy but more of what not to buy. He did in the end manage to find the clothing that he thought necessary, primarily sports clothing for ridiculous prices.
During this shopping spree the three trundled into the big Tesco Lotus supermarket. After Carrefour in Bangkok and Coca cola advertisement everywhere Pancho was becoming suspicious how much western “culture” had seeped into this far away country. The products in the supermarkets themselves were at times identical to those found in the west, merely with Thai writing on them. And here you were supposed to be in a country and culture that had completely different food. Well, Pancho concluded, the cities may be the playing grounds for the multinational corporations from the west, but the countryside was most definitely still in the hands of the Thai people.
Returning after this interesting and long day Pancho was ready to relax his great mind. As so often his day had been planned out for him However. He was to make use of his superior physique and play a set of badminton with his Father.
After having only broken a sweat litely and gracefully let his father win, Pancho was driven around the country side and shown some of the land owned by the family.
He approved very much of what he saw and could gather that these were great minds at work here. Pancho was happy to be in the company of like minded people, despite their utterly different cultural background. Brilliance always pervaded.

Under the weather

Thai The melody drifted lazily across the landscape of Pancho’s dream. What was that sweet melody? That sweet melody that sounded slightly wooden or metallic. As if it came out of a tiny speaker… Suddenly his keen mind grasped it!
Pancho’s hand, newly awoken, reached for his mobile phone playing Liszt. His thumb pressed the off button. Silence…
For a second he thought everything was in order and then it hit him. Pancho was ill. And he was tired. Darn it!
He let himself fall into a more comfortable position. It was Friday, one more day of school before a restful weekend…
When Pancho had finally dragged himself out of bed half an hour later the situation had changed. He felt even worse. Headache, blocked nose and ears, severe drowsiness…He was dressed for school, but all hope of making it through the day had left him. His body was merely a hollow shell functioning according to preset instructions. But Pancho’s incredible mind in contrast was racing, despite having a severe limp. One could also describe his thought process as having had both its legs amputated. But even when walking on his hands he was faster than the multitude of imbeciles that populate too many places.
The fantastic idea that had entered the singularly excellent agglomeration of nerve cells in Pancho’s cranium was too mind bogglingly exceptional too reveal under normal circumstances. But as these writings represent the accumulated wisdom of his life, recorded for eternity, this little gem may be shared just this once.
His idea was to appear at the breakfast table, seeming ready to go to work, waiting for the right opportunity to pounce. When his father or his mother finally came down stairs he would stand up, looking as ill as possible, and inform them that he felt in no state to teach.
The work of a pure genius! The icing on the cake of cakes was that Pancho was also a fantastically gifted actor, able to portray the human soul in any condition so convincingly that he was often referred to as the man with the million faces.
And so, just as Pancho had anticipated, he was asked to change into more comfortable clothes and rushed to the outside sleeping area (which is not quite as hot as indoors). Here a huge dome of a mosquito net was placed above him.
And the result was sweet repose! Pancho would have actually enjoyed this piece of surreal artistry if he had not felt so under the weather and all. It wasn’t actually such a great trick considering that he actually was not in any state to teach.
In any case, before his mind could settle on such sinister matters he drifted off into uneasy sleep. The buzzing fan at his side only provided short bursts of feeble cooling through the protective netting.
Pancho rested in this way until the early afternoon when he was finally overcome by a bout of energy that did not let him sleep any longer. He drifted over to the kitchen area and was served a spontaneous meal for lunch. Pancho his polite self once again ate as much as was agreeable to him. As described already, a meal when one is ill does not tend to improve the frame of mind and so Pancho felt like he had been knocked out by an elephant, or two… And barely making the trek of 20 meters he stumbled back to his temporary sleeping quarters.
Waking up an hour later, he felt extremely refreshed for the first time. The effects of illness seemed to have been worn down by his perplexingly perfect physique.
His advisor, having naturally taken notice his important personage failing to appear at work, eventually found out that his missing was due to illness. And so Pancho was presented with a box of pills of Thai herbs and a tasty dish for dinner when she passed by gallantly.
Pancho, in addition to being offered a vast multitude of medicine was repeatedly asked whether he wanted to see a doctor. Being aware of his conspicuously invincible stamina Pancho declined every time. He would however have to give in finally, out of consideration for his advisor being responsible for him and politeness.
A charming fellow Pancho was and he would keep it that way, even if he had to visit a doctor whose modes of operation he would quite likely not approve of. This however would be an experience of the following day. As the doctor and shopping facilities that Pancho required were in the biggest city of the region, Ubon Ratchatani, they would make day long round trip.
That evening however still held a little surprise for Pancho.
After having enjoyed the extravagantly delicious dinner brought by his advisor, the working crew for mansion and land of the family invited Pancho for a little adventure. Not fully understanding Thai yet it took a few minutes of semi successful translation to make clear that they were heading to a shrine of special interested, due to the fact that it was inhabited by monkeys. Pancho, quite the animal lover, was eager to accept and off they rode in the pimp mobile.
Finally arriving at the shrine the group stepped out of the fancy car and bought some snacks at the roadside shop. Shop might be a gross exaggeration for what is considered civilized western standards. It was more a hut with an array of bananas, corn and other foods. Initially Pancho stood there, not quite grasping the amount of bananas and corn that were bought. He then saw the swarms of knee high and smaller monkeys drifting across the road from the gate to the shrine and understood. Pancho watched in fascination, not worrying in any way that his camera may be stolen or that the monkeys would decide to climb around on him, clawing at his deliciously matched clothing of impeccable style.
But the monkeys turned out to be quite the well behaved sort of country folk. If they were not busy chasing and biting each other they quietly crowded around and held up their hands, patiently waiting for the receipt of bananas, but more so corn which they seemed to crave like a drug. Some would insist on receiving food by holding on to a leg of Pancho’s masterfully tailored trousers, others would scamper around in a very suspicious manner. It was quite evident to Pancho that they were simply acting all nice and innocent until the time came to grab and snatch. Pancho did not let those shady folks escape his watchful gaze.
Despite the monkeys most definitely being the main attraction the crew still made its way up to the shrine to bring in a casual prayer. Pancho politely took part in the necessary ritual knowing full well however that he had already been gifted more than enough. Good looks, charm, manners and an intellect so brilliant that it could lighten up even the darkest abyss.
Yes, Pancho thought, he ought to be more humble and leave some of the heavenly luck for less fortunate souls.

Mukdahan on the Mekong

Sleep did not come easily after the wild revelries of the evening before. Pancho woke up several times, each time realising that a strong head cold had snuck up on him, inching its way further and further into his cranium. However, he had no time for idle weaknesses.
Prattling around was not an option on that day. Despite his teaching schedule being deliciously free Pancho was not given the choice of enjoying this time leisurely. He was chased across the tiny town of Punee, to meet all of the important personalities. These ranged from chief of police, to the chief doctor of the hospital, multiple school principles, the mayor and finally also the district governor.
The latter was of greatest interest to Pancho. Despite his eminence not speaking any English whatsoever, the cold having squarely hit Pancho between the eyes and the office’s air conditioning being broken, this visit proved to be the most interesting.
This was simply due to the fact that a fascinating painting hung above the desk of said governor. While this friendly fellow whittled on listlessly in words that required the advisor’s translation, Pancho’s eyes scanned the content of this work of art. It depicted one of the former Kings of Thailand, an educated guess would be Rama the 5th. The interesting thing was his attire however. The figure was not wearing any traditional Thai clothing, but was fully clad in a royal Prussian military uniform together with a highly conspicuous piked helmet resting on his hip.
Pancho was flabbergasted. Here he came whizzing around half of the world to a country that could not be anymore different to the temperate climates of central to northern Europe and what did he find in the district governor’s office? A painting of Thai royalty posing in a glorious set of imperialist military uniform. Fascinating, even despite feeling in the gutter!
When Pancho finally was informed of what words the governor had directed at him his attention sidled to the here and now however and he returned the warmly diplomatic greetings that were extended.
During these these entire visits one thing did catch Pancho slightly. Repeatedly he had been informed of the fact that many of the office ladies he met that day were single and merely waiting for a handsome and gallant foreigner to come in and sweep them of their feet. What disturbed Pancho was that he knew not how to politely decline any interest. He decided that there was no way. And despite fearing any future dangers heading his way in these matters he simply smiled, nodded and refused to show any kind of reaction.
And after a gruelling number of hours the return to the school grounds finally came within reach. Pancho was dearly looking forward to a healing early nights sleep.
However he was rudely shaken from such handsome revelries as his father stood ready, waiting for him to drive to the distant city of Mukdahan. Pancho, hesitant and really in no shape to make such a trip did not show the usual polite eagerness to take part in such an adventure. Alas, it was to no avail. Within 10 minutes father, mother and son sat in the car and had hit the road. Well, something that could notionally be called road. For the first half hour, driving consisted more of evading potholes of tremendous size than anything else.
Dropping away into a slight slumber Pancho also further missed any of the other interesting sightseeing apart from the lush green country side.
Finally in Mukdahan several hours later he was allowed to witness the greatness of the Mekong in full swing. Judging from its girth it looked more like a lake. He was duly informed however that it did not go very deep and that in summer it could be crossed by wading through it (The mention of summer was what actually caught Pancho’s attention. How could it possibly become any hotter than it was already?! What other joys awaited him here?).
Taken pictures of the river was followed by an ample dinner of boiled and fried shrimp. Despite Pancho’s health taking a definite dip south he managed to feast on these dishes and engorged himself without respite. The shrimp, dipped into various sauces were of such divine taste that Pancho was utterly smitten.
As it is with influenza or harsh colds, the spirits generally sink to a low after a hearty meal. And with Pancho it was no exception. The drive home was of a brutality he had not often experienced. Even though it cleared up towards the end of the 2 hour long drive, listening to Thai love songs, he could not shake the impression that it had very likely been unwise to not insist more vehemently on remaining at home that day.
Eventually in bed, Pancho knew full well that the way he felt now the next day would quite likely be a lost cause. And yet, hope always died last.

Whiskey and soda

A mere trifle would have been Pancho’s description for the day at work. A few lessons here and there conducted to the most outrageous joy of the other teachers, followed by a session of making Thai sweets.
On this occasion Pancho met one of his favourite characters at the school. She was an elderly teacher who never failed to inform Pancho that all the food was free for him. He had to agree that she had a point, however she made it in such a way as to say that Pancho should eat more than was humanly possible.
Sadly Pancho never managed to grasp this teacher’s name at the start. Not having any opportunity to pick it up in everyday conversation thereafter he ceased to wonder. In his books she went by the name of Funny. Funny’s outrageous boisterousness every time she met him was very much to Pancho’s liking. Who could not enjoy the company of somebody so healthily endowed with a dry sense of humour. She made every trifle seem comic. Even death itself would seem like a joke of the funny kind with her.
Later on the evening back at the country villa looked to be a mighty bout of fun as well. When he returned the living area had been decorated with a splendid sound system, including karaoke set up and multiple tables that were to be laden with food and drink. Pancho gleefully showered and got changed in preparation (The Thai weather made such behaviour an utter necessity). Despite his wishes to have a short or not so short nap he nimbly dragged his clean shaven self downstairs.
Entering the fray Pancho was quickly invited to a glass of whiskey with soda water. His glass was to be refilled for what felt like one hundred times over the course of the night. And this led from amiable chatting at the table to engrossingly taking part in karaoke and finally turning the living area into a dance floor.
Two foreign guests had been invited to his welcome party as well. These were two young ladies from the major town nearby. Pancho was happy to be able to use any kind of language fluently once again. However cordialities only went as far as chitchat went as the two were only mildly interesting in comparison the outrageously delicious cocktails served by the usual crowd or family friends and employees.
During the dance off however, Pancho had the strange sensation of fully sharing the other two foreigners’ mild display of involuntary dancing. As the whole assembled party was virtually shaking the house, not one soul, especially not the guests of honour were allowed to miss out on the fun of shaking a leg to mainly songs that one didn’t know or that were at times not suitable for dancing. The evening ended late and when Pancho finally retired to his abode he could tell that the next day would be far too long than was good for him.

The marvels of education

And there it was! Pancho woke from restful sleep and was right in the middle of it. His first day on the job. Still hesitant on how things worked around here he just jumped right into it and clothed himself the way he expected it to be correct. At 7:30am on the dot he was in the living area ready to eat breakfast. This generally consisted of the left overs of the previous day.
Although Pancho did not mind a healthy helping of day old pizza and all, the Thai left overs were a different matter. Not feeling any great pangs of hunger he would have like to avoid spicy food in the morning. But he knew that it was a big day ahead and there was no way around a healthy breakfast. Without sufficient food he would not make it through the day, especially considering that he did not know what to expect.
After being instructed by as per usual Kunyay on what was spicy and what not, he was whisked away by his father in the car. The drive itself was only a matter of 2 minutes as the school was practically adjacent to the house.
As they drove into the school ground Pancho saw the entirety of students lined up in a more or less orderly fashion upon the sports field. More or less ordered as he saw that at the edges of the formation pupils seemed to be not so sprightly at submitting too the given order, chatting, lazing about and all.
As soon as the car stopped Pancho stepped out into the scorching sun in order to greet his coordinator and advisor who were already waiting. The charming fellow that Pancho was he greeted them in the correct way with a broad smile. In seconds he was drenched in sweat, however ignoring this very mild discomfort. And soon after an agglomeration of teachers formed around him that were keen to bask in their new colleague’s glorious aura. All of these Pancho naturally greeted in the well mannered fashion as well. As it had been the evening before however, he had no possible chance of remembering the lush amount of fantastically difficult names that were flung his way.
And before he had a chance to think about it, his dream of taking centre stage had come true.
In between the school road and the sports field there was a lengthy row of low shady tress that was only interrupted by a concrete stage sporting a mast with the Thai national flag attached.
Pancho now stood beside this extravagant structure together with his coordinator waiting for any signal to step up. As the students in the field in front of them, both were able to enjoy the full glory of the sun. His coordinator did not make any indications but Pancho did feel the slight toastiness that gently caressed his face.
Additionally he sincerely hoped they did not expect him to know his cue for entering the stage, considering he understood not one word in the director’s speech. After a few minutes of insecure waiting he was finally gently nudged towards the steps. The stage was mounted in an instant. The microphone was handed to him and as 1300 pairs of eyes were set on him he eased through the speech without even noticing. The crowd devoured the spectacle of a white person trying to speak their language while breaking larynx and tongue in multiple places in the process.
After Pancho had been presented with multiple bouquets of flowers he was again whisked away, this time into an air conditioned meeting room. On his way to this location he noticed the unyielding curiosity of his new students. Their gazes hit him from every direction, which made Pancho conscious of every move he made. Not one bad move now, or else my reputation will be ruined before I even start
As adept as Pancho was at mastering situations of great importance he managed to manoeuvre himself into the meeting room without falling over any steps or bumping into gawping people. The room itself was welcomingly cool. Not since his frigid experiences with hotel and bus air conditioning had he enjoyed such a piece of technology.
All that Pancho understood concerning the meeting was that it was populated by the English department, held in Thai and that his timetable was decided on.
After about an hour of his avidly watching strange sounds being expulsed, his advisor gave Pancho the tour of the school, which was followed by a spicy lunch with some of the teachers.
At this point Pancho remarked for the second time that he needed to watch out how much he ate. When he was reaching the point of feeling full, for some reason even a normally tasty dish could make him feel like wretching. The day a sausage had suddenly made him feel that the company of other people was a bad idea. This time it was the obnoxiously smelly fruit called durian (Strangely enough it did not smell one bit). He had already made sure to inform his hosts that he had eaten quite a satisfactory amount. However as the durian appeared Pancho could not really refuse an insistent desert. A minute later, with his mouth full of fruity goodness he regretted this decision and luckily found a handy glass of water to wash the pulpy mess down
The greatest surprise that day was however the occasion when he was allowed to teach his first lesson. This occurred right after lunch when Pancho had just sat down at his brand new desk. He was just in the process of testing out his new authority with intense stares at the doorway when his host mother, who also was an English teacher, came in to take Pancho to her class. While imperiously strutting out of the teacher’s room, Pancho glanced at his new timetable and recognised that this was indeed the allocated timeslot.
At this point Pancho was not worried in the slightest however. He would sit in the class and watch quietly how his mother held an English lesson. This would help him judge the students’ command of the language as well as the correct methods to teach.
To Pancho’s ghastly amazement however his mother asked him to step in front of the class and introduce himself. A polite smile and a curt nod later he stood at the helm of these floppy teenagers desperately hoping to impress.
Backing down now would cast a dark shadow on his short but possibly bright career as a teacher.
Pancho, not knowing the students’s level quickly fell into a slow monologue. To his disappointment the clueless faces of his students did not really reveal whether they understood or not.
He finally ran out of steam after about 5 minutes. It is difficult to keep talking about oneself for 50 minutes straight even if one is greatly enamoured with oneself as Pancho was. His next task was even more down his alley. His mother asked him what questions he had for the class, about the town of Punee and also the school.
For the second time in the space of a few days Pancho had been caught flatfooted with this disgusting tactic to undermine his goodwill. He would certainly have to practice coming up with endless questions that required immense amounts of time to answer.
As you can imagine Pancho felt an intense pain in his heart over the course of the lesson. This was no way to teach English. However this was the best he could do, without preparation. Nothing to be proud of he realised sadly.
In order to top Pancho’s taste in what and English lesson is supposed to be like his host mother asked him to teach the children a song.
Pancho initially stood there dumbfounded. A song? He knew that it would be benevolently smiled upon if he taught English through music, but having to teach a song in his first lesson, without any preparation?! Pancho was initially thrown. And his panicked expression most likely displayed this most spectacularly. Luckily Pancho had an ace hidden up his sleeve.
During the mock school lesson that the foreign teachers had to perform at the hotel, they had learned a simple children’s song. While everything else seemed to fail him, Pancho could not possibly forget how “the wheels on the bus go round and round”. And what a success this was! The children mumbled and jumbled their way through the verses and finally dropped into their seats glad that it was over.
To conclude his lesson Pancho could tell he had made an impression. His mother told him that she had never been able to engage them so fully during class. And despite Pancho wanting to attribute this to his excellent teaching skills he understood that this fact probably lay mainly in the reality that he was the first foreigner these children had ever witnessed in full splendour.
Following this highlight of the day Pancho was relieved to know that his second lesson would fall through due to the fact that there was a 3 hour meeting to be attended. Pancho was delighted for the reason that he did not know that the meeting was going to be 3 hours. As a matter of fact nobody knew this yet.
Pancho thought it was a matter of 20 minutes, but once sitting inside the cool conference room, caught in the clutches of Thai style bureaucracy, he was informed that these meetings normally took at least an hour.
After the full hour had passed Pancho was hoping for a quick end. However his hopes were dashed as he found out that highly eminent guests, who had donated significantly to the school, were expected.
Two hours later, the speeches for the late coming donators had been given and farewells were taken.
Pancho was content that he had no need to battle the drowsiness any longer that invariably creeps up when one understands nought of 3 hour meetings and is required to sit in silence.
In complete contrast to that afternoon Pancho was invited to a match of gentlemanly badminton with his host father after school. Gratefully for any change Pancho accepted and so a wonderful tradition was started.
Their first duel was not to be mentioned in Pancho’s books, however he knew that with more practice his skills would reach such stratospheric levels as in tennis, football and golf.
By the end of the day, Pancho could knowingly say that his first day of work had been a full success and he keenly enjoyed the sweet repose that waited for him in his bed.

A little town

The Bus! What an exhilarating experience. Travelling over bumpy roads, trying to sleep while freezing to death in the air conditioned cabin without any space to place one’s legs. Pancho had a jolly good blast.
He was sad to have to disembark from this fabulous vehicle as he arrived in Phunee in the wee ours of the morning. The three figures, Pancho, his coordinator and his advisor stood like lonely stragglers at the bus stop after the tumultuous slumber party on the bus. On seeing the assemblage of low houses around Pancho wondered whether he would not prefer living with his host sister in Bangkok. But he could not think any further as in the next moment a Volvo with blackened windows and shiny rims drove up and stopped in front of them.
Pancho was just in the motions of thinking what kind of pimp had come to extort him right after he arrived when out stepped his host father and host mother. With broad beaming smiles they accepted their new son for a year and loaded the three arrivals into the car. The car could only be described as an affront to any cultured taste, but Pancho couldn’t help but feel a pang of excitement as he saw the vehicle. It looked more like the modicum to experience some interesting adventures than anything else.
Pancho was soon introduced to another vehicle that he thought even more impressive. “The Beast”, as he would call it, sat quietly in the darkness of the street, strapped into its trailer. Immediately after the 1 minute car ride from the bus station to the house Pancho was led to it by his host father.
The Beast was a 300 horsepower 4 wheel drive vehicle with the body the size of a beetle but wheels the size of a truck. To make the first impression even more daunting it was covered absolutely entirely in a thick cake of mud. Pancho was told in broken English and with the use of body language that his father had only just returned from a race a few hours ago.
So much for first impressions Pancho thought. He now understood why Piu had been worried that he was somewhat on the softer side. This family was definitely not of the refined type. He was slightly shocked but at the same time strangely intrigued by this opportunity to maybe study his more rugged country bumpkin side.
Next thing up, Pancho was luckily exempt from having to attend school that day. The jet lag, lack of rest at the hotel paired with the 10 hour bus trip had greatly taken their toll on him. He cherished what would be a long sleep in that day. And he just got to bed as the first rays of daylight crept over the horizon.
The sky itself was shrouded in clouds. And almost immediately as he lay down in his cluttered by comfortable room all hell broke loose and a torrential downpour made the accompanying thunder sound like cats meowing.
Pancho slept almost straight through this, like a rock until 2 pm.
His first visit to the toilet was an experience. He entered the bathroom with some hesitation. He had heard about the dire uncivilized types of toilets that prevailed in some parts of Asia, he had even seen and had to use them during his dealings in empire of Nippon. However he had never had to use one consistently. So with great joy Pancho perceived that the toilet was of western standards, flushable and all. The only problem was probably that there was no toilet paper. He stood there for a few moments wondering how he would break this problem to his family with his non existent Thai. They spoke very little English.
And then a light switched on in his head. By the use of his keen eyesight Pancho had discovered a hose connected to a small shower head next to the toilet! That must be it! The solution.
Additionally the whole bathroom was constructed as a shower room. Therefore showering would be the mode of choice for any occasion. Additionally he had been told repeatedly that it was vital that one shower at least twice a day considering the mean and deadly temperatures that prevailed in these parts of the globe. Testing out the bathroom equipment proved as easy as expected and Pancho was satisfied that he would live somewhat in comfort. Even if it may not be the standards he was used to, these would have to do. He would relish returning to the west in a year’s time.
Walking downstairs that “morning” Pancho had to call upon no uncertain amount of courage. It is always a fragile matter waking up in a foreign house for the first time and making ones way to the living room. Would any body be present? What are the normal procedures? It is always positively puzzling. And interestingly people who have never really been in such a situation do not understand what it is like to tread so thinly upon the ice of cordiality. Especially in a foreign culture it was easy to cause a minor disturbance for one’s self but a major one in that of the host. This could easily lead to thoroughly ruined relations for the rest of the stay.
Considering that Pancho was meant to stay for 9 months he could really not risk such an occasion.
When he entered the living room (here it must be noted that it is not within the house but a roofed area without walls) he was met by the old dame of the house, the grandmother, henceforth referred to as Kunyay. In the youthly spirit that abounds when something new and exciting happens, she nimbly set about explaining in great painstaking detail what he was to eat for “breakfast” and was of good taste and what an extremely pleasurable experience for the taste buds and all.
Naturally Pancho understood none of the Warnings such as
“This is very spicy, watch out!” or encouragements by the likes of
“Try this, it should be fine for your weak foreigners gut!” It stands to debate whether the words were actually uttered in such a way, but the errors may be put down to translational issues between two utterly different languages.
Touching on this point it is actually quite interesting how one learns foreign languages under full immersion in the culture. Pancho had experienced such occasions already and believed whole heartedly in his theory that the beginning was the most difficult. The curve of learning moved in an exponential way until it reached a slight plateau at which it becomes necessary to study the language seriously to again increase the gradient of said curve.
Pancho found himself at the beginning of this curve however. And as he knew virtually zero the next step would also be virtually zero. Not a very promising outlook, but he knew it would get better.
He also hoped that the food would become more digestible as time went on. His first meal that day simply burned away his mouth, as well as his guts as he later discovered.
Food was followed by a lesson in the Thai language by Kunyay. Seeing that she spoke maybe 3 words of English (including hot, table and pen) procedures proved somewhat tedious. To Pancho’s dismay the Thai language book (given to him by the hosting organization) had nought translation for “What is this” or “I do not understand” in the glossary. He bitterly regretted having forgotten his own book back home now.
In any case, the afternoon wore on and finally father and mother returned home to supply Pancho with more much needed attention.
As it is in new environments, one does not quite know where to manoeuvre the body to while others are busy getting things done. So Pancho casually drifted across the living area and finally was planted on a chair in the front yard when it had turned dark.
Quite a few people had assembled now, mainly workers for father he came to understand, as well as family friends. The issue however was understanding them and memorising the many names. Even for Pancho’s exceptional mental capabilities this task was simply a bit too much after 2 searing meals and the immersion in a sticky soup of unintelligible words of foreign languages (At this point it is worth mentioning that Pancho did not merely have to deal with the language of Thai but also with the language of Isan, a language associated with the north eastern region of Thailand).
Matters improved markedly however. Despite Pancho’s dread of the karaoke machine that had been set up in the yard, he was quite pleased with the following procedures. His presents of big Germanic beer glasses had been well received and the message naturally understood. This foreigner could drink. Accordingly the Thai speciality of soda with whiskey was brought forth.
And Pancho’s doubts that such a thing could taste in any way were cast away as senseless delusions very quickly. It actually tasted quite good, and the best thing was that one could suckle at the stuff for hours without getting drunk and all.
In any case we may conclude that Pancho’s experiences that evening were turned quite sweet. The visitors’ English tongues were loosened considerable by the ample drink. And despite their English being almost non existent the conversation picked up to heights of stratospheric levels.
As mentioned Pancho did not remember the names well however. Naturally this was down to the beer and whiskey consumed, though Pancho had to insist to himself that it really did not have any effect on him.
Despite drinking he even felt shy of singing karaoke, and was happy when his 5 song stint was interrupted by his European descent father’s phone call.
After the guests had finally all left, the grand finale was finally announced with the question whether Pancho could play the guitar. Knowing of his impressive skills he naturally could not deny. Surely they had already have discovered one of his numerous albums that were out for sale.
And out came the guitar. Pancho realised that the whiskey had to have affected his skills in no uncertain way as nothing sounded quite right. Actually he corrected, it had to have been the guitar he decided. His own, at home, was of such superior standard that playing on anything else could only result in failure.
At the end of this first day in his new home, Pancho could despite all confidently say that despite major insecurities this undertaking seemed like it would be a success, on the home front at least. On the morrow Pancho was to give a speech before the assembled school, and this time without the help of any scribblings on a sheet of paper. He practiced before his sleep and slept like a rock despite the intense temperature and the intense pressure of having to give such a major speech. It was before 1300 people after all.

First encounters

It was the second full day at the hotel. After having slept badly and not being entirely acclimatised to the food being served, the overpowering morning lectures had taken it out of Pancho. He felt sick and not in any mood to have lunch. Additionally Phil was kind enough to point out that each of the foreign teachers’ hosting families, counsellors and advisors were present in the room.
Pancho felt positively exhilarated. Not only did he feel sick, but somewhere in the multitude of about 200 people there were a number that would be in charge of taking care of him and that would know what he looked like, while he did not even remember what their names were.
Of course, things could always be worse. However Pancho was not in any shape for trying his imagination on that subject now. He just ate a bit and quickly made his way back to his room while avoiding every possible eye contact. He then seriously committed himself to some afternoon repose in order to tackle the afternoon lectures in the freezing conference room.

Over the 3 day stay, the staff of the hosting organization kindly managed to overemphasize that the teachers were to meet their hosting families, counsellors and advisors any time soon. This fact handily meant that one stayed on tiptoes for the whole day, just in case it was about to happen.
As always the event actually occurred when Pancho expected it least. Waiting for the elevator to descend to the lobby and restaurant he stood beside the singular organiser who’s English could be described as good. This Thai fellow, Tub was his name, was interesting enough to talk to. When the elevator opened and Tub directed Pancho to step in, his impression temporarily plummeted however. This was due to the fact that the elevator was just about full to the brim with what seemed to be a bunch of eminent Thai people. Naturally Pancho gratuitously stepped inside while adeptly hiding his disappointment in this turn of events.
As soon as he had turned around to show the crowd in the elevator the beautiful back of his head he heard some incoherent Thai mumbling and several “oooohs” and “aaaaaahs”.
Pancho’s heart dropped a beat. He was somewhat shocked. His higher intellect had realised that he was probably in the presence of his coordinator and advisor. So without further ado he turned around and quickly picked out the two pleasant looking ladies standing in the back.
They confidently returned his questioning smile and went on to ask “Ah, uhm, Pancho?”
As there was no way of escaping the situation Pancho thought it wise to politely play along with a surprised expression “Yes, Oooooh, Ahhhhh Ok!”
The elevator was still only half way down the ground floor and already his conversational skills were failing. Luckily the two ladies picked up where he had left off. One of them piped up “I am your advisor”
And pointing towards the other lady “And this is your coordinator”
And again Pancho’s brilliant rhetorical skills sprang to life “Ohhhhhh, ok. Hello”
The other three people crowded in the elevator felt positively elated by this pleasant spectacle of surprise and joy. They all smiled broadly hoping for the elevator doors to open soon.
And as if answering Pancho’s and their prayers the elevator did not stop at any other floor but headed right down to the lobby. When the doors eventually did open he bounded out rapidly just in order to politely wait for his two new friends to catch up.
All three then leisurely strolled over to the restaurant which allowed Pancho to observe many of the other foreign teachers engaged in equally confident conversations.
Soon they were sitting at a table and Pancho was being taught his first Thai vocabulary.
In reference to a later occasion it is important to emphasize that Pancho insists on the best kind of manners when engaging with new acquaintances, simply in order to make everybody feel at ease and to show that they were not dealing with any uncultured savage.
The chit chat over dinner went amiably and was only interrupted by renewed servings from the buffet and the introduction of Pancho’s new host sister and one of her friends.
As they approached the table he was informed by his advisor in what relation he stood to them.
When they finally stood in front of him he smiled broadly and gave them the Thai “Hello” as it is to be expected of a well educated young fellow. His host sister’s friend replied quite the way Pancho expected, with a hearty welcome. He could however not quite identify the non smiling facial expression of his host sister.
How bizarre he managed to think to himself before the two withdrew to another table at the far end. There, Pancho presumed, they had moved in order to discuss this incredibly delightful fellow of a foreigner who one would not dare to expect in ones wildest dreams.
At the conclusion of the meal overflowing with understanding and highly sophisticated language, Pancho’s advisor proposed to take a seat with his host sister and her friend in order to become acquainted a little further.
His hopes of a quick retreat to his room were thus dashed before he politely consented.
As he was to experience many a time in Thailand, people like to ask what questions he has instead of asking anything themselves. And exactly this, his host sister Piu inflicted upon Pancho. As this was his first time facing a situation that required this very one sided approach he was initially thrown. One could even go as far as to say that he was stunned. And despite his higher mental capacity he could not come up with any kind of satisfactory questions to ask. So after he had clarified that he did not have any questions per se the conversation slowly picked up.
And as all three of them eased into a good understanding of each other, Piu casually let slip that she had been worried that Pancho was a nerd. Pancho naturally recoiled in horror.
A nerd? He was so in shock that he could not refrain from foul language What the hell is that supposed to mean? Naturally in real terms he phrased the question slightly differently.
“And how may I understand that?”
Piu in return was not in the least bothered as Pancho had during the conversation evidently convinced her that she had been mistaken.
“Oh, the way you were sitting at the table with your advisor and coordinator, you just looked like a nerd.”
That answer naturally did not put Pancho at ease. So they consider a well mannered fellow a nerd in these parts? My my my!
Pancho did however make a mental note that it was of vital importance that he display a certain air of coolness at all times in order to prevent such an impression from creeping up again.
The following day Pancho was to look forward to a tour of Bangkok before hopping on the bus to the tiny town of Phunee (1000 souls or so) in the evening. The name he had been told, literally translated to “forest in the middle of nowhere” and by the sounds of it literally would be the remotest location Pancho had visited in his life, with a few exception that may remain secret.
Before an adventurous day in Bangkok however, the morning was to be filled with speeches, speeches and even more speeches (including a short introduction by the foreign teachers). That morning Pancho was afflicted with an even worse case of morning sickness, even including a headache. Before entering the conference room that was filled with host families, advisors and counsellors Pancho was reassured by Catherine how bad he did actually look. This made him more certain of his excuse for not performing well during his introductory “speech”.
The time did come around however, as the group stood in line before an assembled mob of about 200 Thai people, ready to take photos of their prize foreigners that they were allowed to take home that day. One after another the other foreigners managed their speeches in more or less suave and efficient ways. Most importantly however they used no visual aid which displayed the speech. Even Pancho’s feeling of sickness could not hide the fact that it would not look very good to read his off the page, but any attempt to memorise what he had written down, failed on his sickly mind.
A fellow by the name of Dickens even had the nerve to write down his speech on the palm of his hand. As this Dickens took a not too sneaky peak down at his scribblings Pancho thought he was saved at last. At least he would not be the only one requiring any assistance. But he was quickly dismayed as this action seemed to touch the humorous side of the Thai people and the room erupted in laughter. With sinking heart Pancho waited his turn.
Just as the girl before him managed to fail more epically than he could have hoped for Pancho looked into the proud eyes of his assembled group of supporters (Advisor and coordinator). At that moment he was convinced that their hopes could not be disappointed. Despite reading the minuscule speech off the paper Pancho placed great emphasize on the pronunciation. At least he did not want to appear with the flimsy foreign accents some others had displayed. So for a minute of concentration his voice reverberated through the microphone into the eager ears of the listeners. And to Pancho’s delight, his words met with acceptance of his only slightly better pronunciation (Alone the pronunciation of the province he was going to live in caused him grief).
To Pancho’s immediate horror, immediately after the speech, during the obligatory photo, he was presented with the traditional clothing of Amnat Charoen, his province. This garment, or cloth would better describe it, was wrapped around him in front of the crowd, which consequently erupted into great applause. Pancho’s decision to wear this cloth for the rest of the occasion proved wise as he was warmly welcomed by most people present during the coffee break. His day was saved. The coffee seemed to magically clear away his stomach’s disagreeability as well. Only one of Catherine’s renewed remarks stung for a few moments. As he wore the cloth around his head (They are many ways this is to be worn) she came up to Pancho and declared that he positively looked like he had taken ill now. In light of this he soon after removed the cloth from his head in order to place it in a less conspicuous position around his hips. Naturally he used the excuse that it was far too hot around his head, which was actually true as the air conditioning seemed to have been turned down in the hotel to a more agreeable temperature.
After the break Pancho managed to steal the show once again as he performed a mock lesson with some of the other teachers. So he had turned the morning from impending doom into a glorious victory as only singularly rare brilliance can.
Finally following lunch and some teary goodbyes in between the teachers, well not really, everybody set off on their journey to their new home region of Thailand.
For Pancho his trip would begin at 8:30pm with a 10 hour bus ride in a bus that felt like it a freezer.
In the mean time, Piu and her friend gave Pancho, his advisor and his coordinator a quick tour of Bangkok including JJ market which was quite an adventure. The heat, the thousands of stalls on cramped spaces and the incredibly diverse array of goods seemed like quite something. Even the frequent sightings of tourist foreigners (mostly strange shady types) were somewhat of an experience.
Following this little adventure they made a trip to a distant shopping centre. Here Pancho had the shock of his day. He found an indoor ice skating rink! After trying to wriggle out of the invitation to go on by using the excuse that he could not ice skate, Piu managed to convince him and with his help, her friend and his coordinator as well.
The whole ordeal was a sight to see, as Pancho quickly found out that he was a true master compared to the others and that they needed more than some teaching. His biggest amazement was directed to some of the other partakers of this sport however, who jetted around the ice as if they were gymnast experts on firm ground. They truly did look like masters on ice, despite the fact that they lived in a country of such stupendous heat.