The Ups and Downs of Loey

Finally it had arrived. After his first term of teaching in Phunee, the time for exams and holidays was imminent. As Pancho was not involved Exams this meant he actually had two weeks of holidays. The first weekend he had been invited to join the family’s tour bus for a trip to the north of Esarn, to the mountainous province of Loey. Following that he would be off to the Bangkok and the sea to meet some fellow foreigners also teaching in Thailand.
But first, the mountains of Loey called. The tour bus left on the last school day, on Friday afternoon. This meant that Pancho was relieved from the last class of the day (that 130 student behemoth). He dearly regretted not being able to pass on his infinite knowledge to these young moldable minds but he knew that there would be ample opportunity in the long run.
The tour bus left with two of the family workers and a newly employed driver. The trip initially took the four to Roi Et where they “camped out” out at a school overnight in order to depart at about 5am, with their newly arrived guests. Pancho was quite happy to be finally get out of Phunee for a bit, to breathe some of the worldly air, to live life on the road. Little did he know that he was setting out on a tiresome journey that would test his patience and good will to the utmost. The tour bus’s passengers were a Thai language department from the school in Roi Et. The organiser was an old friend of Pancho’s host mother’s which meant he would be well taken care of or so he thought.
The first night was thus spent in the school waiting for the morning to arrive. Bathing was conducted outside on the pavement of the school parking lot. This kind of lavish and luxurious bathing ceremony was not something Pancho was accustomed to, yet with his well placed confidence he had no problem adapting.
Eventually the four men lay down to rest, inside the bus. Pancho was positioned on one of the benches on the upper deck, for it was a double decker bus. Generally speaking he could sleep anywhere, no matter whether the floor was hard or the air was filled with blaring of car horns. This time however he was in for a challenge. The bench was first of all too short for his imploring physique. Thus he was forced to angle his legs in an awkward position. This Pancho mastered with perfection. Additionally the bench was not wide enough for a person to roll around, so changing positions during the night proved challenging. Pancho, with his stupendous patience, could deal with this in a humorous manner. The real issues however arose when he had finally settled down and was trying to find slumber. A horrendous sound rang in his ear. Pancho groaned inwardly. He knew without a doubt, that the bane of restful repose had come to torture him that night. The bus was infested with mosquitoes. Pancho having the delicious blood of a foreigner these bloodsucking beasts assaulted him throughout the night. Additional to the considerable loss of blood, the constant buzz in his ears proved treacherous to any attempt at sleeping. To top of the matter, one of the family worker’s was sleeping beside Pancho on the floor. He was a nice enough fellow and very easy to get along with. And yet this could not prevent a slight annoyance in Pancho. He had never heard such a hideously loud snoring before. Not only was it loud but also utterly uneven, bursting up loudly before stuttering to a halt and slowly gargling to new levels of loudness. These minor inconveniences made it increasingly difficult for Pancho to find repose. And yet, despite the hideous ordeal of being woken an infinite amount of times, Pancho “stood” firm to tell the tale. He was up before dawn to politely stand aside for the arriving guests.
Standing there while the passengers arrived he felt caught between two worlds. Pancho was definitely not one of the usual bus attendants and yet he did not count as one of the guests. Thus thinking it prudent, he chose to retreat into the driver’s cabin.
After having traveled for a few hours the bus made a rest stop. Pancho was now invariably called upon to join the guests by his host mother’s friend. She seemed nice enough and introduced him to the group of teachers playing a card game in the back of the bus. Pancho was quickly integrated into this fiendish circle of gambling craze as the card dealer. He would receive minimum tips every time the guy playing as the bank did well. Pancho initially quite enjoyed this man’s demeanor and air. He was dressed very unlike Thais with a tank top while wearing sunglasses and a stylish hat which he would use as a money basket. He also enjoyed using a phallic symbol to work black magic on the other players in order to jinx the game.
So Pancho managed to relax, trying to figure out the rules of the game. After several hours of playing he had only barely figured it out. The amount of tips he was receiving was becoming considerable however so he thought it wise not to complain. What a marvelous head this Pancho had on his shoulders.
When lunch time came around the bus stopped at a lake with roofed floats that served as eating areas. Pancho, after about 6 hours of dealing cards had quite enough and thought lunch would be a nice break. Yet gambling had become so essential to these poor soles that it even continued during the meal. Again Pancho groaned inwardly, what happened to those simple conversations over meal time, in which Pancho did not understand a word…
After the meal Pancho finally said he had had enough for a while and was gratiously granted repose. This only lasted till they reached the hotel however, where having been invited to share a room with many of the teachers Pancho was recruited as the card dealer yet again.
He was quite happy over his earnings, considering he had expected to spend money instead of earning any, however the constant looking at cards, suits and numbers made his head slightly queasy.
Eventually they sat down for dinner at the hotel. The Karaoke machine was already set up on stage which did not please Pancho quite as much as the prospect of food.
While he sat at the dinner table debating whether to go to the toilet or not, his stomach was feeling under the weather after a very spicy lunch, he was asked by his hostmother’s friend to follow her. And so he did. Outside, in the hallway, Pancho was then quickly inserted into traditional Thai ceremonial clothes without him actually knowing what for. After standing around cluelessly for a few minutes he was finally told to perform a dance together with the 3 students (2 girls and 1 boy) that had accompanied the trip. Despite Pancho’s usual knowledge of ethnic dances from around the world he did not know how to dance this one. However, there was really little choice after having been told without a doubt that he was going to do it. Thus eventually the performers filed into the room to the sound of traditional Thai music and Pancho was simply to copy the boy’s dance moves. In order to understand Pancho’s inner workings at this time one must be clear that this dance is very feminine and any male performing it automatically looks gay. This is naturally not a problem in Thailand as society traditionally accepts such things, but Pancho felt strangely out of place. Especially since he had finally figured out that the guy with the hat who was the ringleader of card players was himself gay. As this man had been put in charge of taking care of Pancho, he naturally felt slightly uncomfortable. However one could not show this in the very non confrontational society of Thailand. One did not show disapproval directly.
In any case the performance was in order to farewell two retiring colleagues who were later given roses by everyone and luckily held very short speeches. There were also additional performances or dances, one of these involved many women and 2 men, who dressed up as women. One of these was the gay man in charge of Pancho.
Naturally he felt again a tad uncomfortable when he was informed that he would share a double bed with this man. This was of course his subjective masculinity speaking here. But realistically he could not share a bed with a female teacher so despite feeling so, he was not being set up.
This did not help his feeling of safety however. He made sure he slept fully clothed, ready to jump up and defend himself.
That night, nothing happened…
But the next morning, thinking she was being one of the funny kind, his hostmother’s friend asked Pancho whether anything had happened last night. For some mysterious reason Pancho did not find this quite as amusing as she did. but there was nothing to be said. They were providing for him and he was their guest without means of escape. So, he had to knuckle down and get through it. He smiled politely and acted all innocently.
The rest of the trip was filled with a few visits to temples as well as beautiful sightseeing spots of mountains. Some of the mountains on this trip were the kind you only get in Asia, that rise like steep cliffs out of seemingly nowhere. These sights were quite to Pancho’s exquisite tastes and compensated only slightly for the ordeals he had to endure.
Eventually the bus started heading back home again and Pancho had finally made a clear statement that he was retiring from the card dealing industry. Never the less the gambling went on and on. Instead Pancho was asked to perform some karaoke songs, which finally he had to give in to. At that point in time he really just wanted to be left alone. In Thailand one would often be paraded around as a foreigner. This could be quite enjoyable, after a while it became nothing more than a nuisance. After all, one did have an own agenda and life to get on with.
The last stretch of the trip was the climax of suffering for Pancho. He was terrorized by two demons so evil that Pancho lacked the words to describe them. They looked all innocent and sweet, but below the cute exterior lay hearts of utter darkness and minds as pitch black as the deepest depths of the universe. They were two little girls, younger than 10. They would ask how to ask something in English from his hostmother’s friend, who sat on the lower deck of the bus and then would race back up and ask Pancho who would answer diligently. Pancho thought this not too bad, though it was a tad annoying after about an hour of it. But before he knew it, the two demons launched their true assault. They seemed to misunderstand the concepts of teacher and student and decided that it was their duty to teach Pancho English... Thus he had to endure their questioning him what different colours were in English. Pancho could not give in to this game. If he did, his soul would be eternally lost. He would have utterly no control over the kids any longer, so he made sure he never did as they told him to.
At this point in time Pancho realized that the two were utterly and completely spoiled little brats and in fact was getting quite annoyed. But of course, with all the people around him, he could not show this out of politeness. So he ensued to bore the kids to death and started playing sudoku on his mobile phone while ignoring anything the kids said.
Eventually this cunning plan worked out and tricked the little devils into fleeing the scene. Nothing was more frightening to them than boredom. And Pancho hugely relieved was able to relax and live the rest of the trip in peace.
Once back home however, utterly exhausted, in the middle of the night, Pancho vowed he would not go on such a tour again. And desperately hoped he would be able to keep his vow. It had been a thorough waste of time and barely enjoyable for a fraction of it.
He was exhilirated to be finally free and soon traveling on his own to meet some foreign friends.

Observations on Culture, History and Mindsets

The Kingdom of Thailand had offered Pancho a multitude of new experiences. Although he had decided to describe the most striking in his memoirs, it may be difficult for the reader to relate without an understanding of the cultural background of the region and its people. Thus, in his highly enlightened opinion, Pancho deemed it necessary to give a short discourse on some facts and observations.
Firstly it is important to note, that the north eastern region of Thailand, Esarn, is ethnically and culturally different from the rest of Thailand. Esarn is the region in Thailand with the largest population. And this population is actually largely descendant from Laos. Pancho was not entirely clear on the dates (And a tad to lazy to research them) however the forefathers of the Esarn people were forcibly resettled from Laos to Thailand quite some time ago. This is observable in the Esarn dialect actually being almost identical to Lao, in other words, more Lao than Thai. In fact interestingly, the population of Esarn is far larger than that of Laos. Accordingly, it is important to note that Pancho’s experiences probably only account for the Esarn part of the Thai population. From Pancho’s initial experience Esarn people are far more rurally orientated. They know how to live off the land. For example, on a slaughtered cow very little would go to waste. Most of it would be eaten, including the UDDER and even the stomach lining. Esarn people know many herbs and plants that can be eaten and Pancho these were repeatedly pointed out by his advisor.
One thing Pancho had been told on his orientation was that Thais got bored quickly. As far as Pancho was concerned, from his experience the exact opposite was the case. He found himself getting incredibly bored at times while the people around him droned on and on. This could however also be due to the fact that he lived in the countryside.
Another noteworthy characteristic of the people of north eastern Thailand was their incredibly welcoming nature. They loved having a foreigner learn their ways and live together with them. Thus, as long as one held an open mind and was not disinclined to try out things that seemed completely otherworldly, one could lead a very easy and relaxed life.
There were a few things that Pancho had issues with during his stay however. The first was the relative low education level he found, especially when concerning international matters. People had very little comprehension of how other cultures could be different, including mentality and also environments. Pancho put this down to the countryside lifestyle but Thais were left quite unaware of the outside world. This was naturally highly evident when trying to teach English concepts or even trying to learn Thai. People who had had little contact with learning English had absolutely no conception of how language could involve a different way of thinking or even pronunciation. Thai and Lao being tonal languages, it was not understood that the tone would rise for questions in English or that meaning was conferred through tone in English by applying it to the whole sentence instead of individual words. In Pancho’s opinion it is mistakenly taught that Thai is a tonal language while English or western languages aren’t. While in Thai the meaning of an individual word may change with a different tone, in English it is the connotation of the sentence that changes with tone or what we normally call emphasis. For instance
“How are YOU?” implies something different to “How ARE you?” Understanding such differences and others such as the fact that western foreigners have trouble getting used to the tonal differences in words but not sentences makes a large difference when interacting with Thais. As an example, Piu who spoke good English would understand Pancho’ despite his initially often mixed up use of tones and pronunciation of words. Pinball in contrast would not even be able to guess out of the context what Pancho meant despite pronunciation only being slightly off. This could be very frustrating as the conversational partner would simply lack the capacity to imagine what Pancho could possibly mean. In contrast Pancho himself was highly adept at guessing meanings out of the context even when pronunciation was utterly off or descriptions incoherent. As a matter of fact, initially conversing with his host father was conducted with hands and feet and a wild array of guesses.
The general lack of imagination and also unknowing about foreign countries stemmed mainly from the culture and teaching methods. As Pancho had experienced before in Japan, people were not taught to think for themselves. Classes were taught in a head on approach where students were generally expected to just sit around and listen. Naturally this did not work at all with teaching languages as it requires a conscious effort by the learner to think and speak himself.
The situation was complex either way. To a certain extent the culture of Esarn probably had a large influence on things (supposedly ethnic Thais were lazier than the actually hardworking, mainly poor farmers of Esarn), at the same time the general Asian culture of education as well as the countryside life style had an effect on people. Books were hardly read, Pancho had actually only seen very few, TV was watched extensively, while the internet was primarily used to play games. Living in the Esarn countryside required a significant expenditure of energy. People had their jobs such as teachers but were often also farmers or helped their farming relatives in the growing and harvesting of rice. At the same time preparation of food involved a lot of time as fish or frogs would be caught or chicken would have to be slaughtered. In essence not much time or energy remained to expand the barriers of the mind.
An effect this lifestyle had that Pancho noticed quite early on was that the upper classes only had a few male students. Pancho was not clear on whether the students simply chose not to come to classes or whether they had dropped out, however either way this did not bode well for educational levels.
The effect that this cultural seclusion and educational barriers had were noticeable in some classes, where Pancho would repeatedly try to teach the students simple patterns of English language use and yet week after week students would not remember and have to learn everything anew. This was naturally frustrating as Pancho felt no eagerness to further invest time and energy when it was clearly wasted.
Thus Pancho’s experiences are hard to understand if one has not actually experienced the country and people personally. However not understanding how another culture’s brain and thinking method might be different is a valuable lesson to learn in itself. Many people, not only those of Esarn, fail to realize and understand this great difference.

Pursuit of Happiness

Pancho had been in Phunee for a little over a month now. He was due to travel south with some of his foreign friends in a few weeks which meant that he needed to replenish his dwindling cash reserves. For the occasion of his host father’s birthday PIU, his host sister was coming back from Bangkok. That saturday the three children of the family, Piu, Pinball and Pancho were to travel to Ubon together and enjoy a day out.
As there was only one secluded ATM in Phunee, Pancho, thinking ahead as usual, saw this opportunity to retrieve money from his home country. Having had to wait several hours for Pinball to shower and shave, Thai people were very superficially aware, the three finally set off around noon time. Their first stop led them to one of Ubon’s shopping arcades (This was a particularly measly one). Pancho once again having a hinting apprehension of looming disaster was eager to try out his card on one of the ATM machines. Thus while Pinball parked the car adeptly Pancho got out and approached the ATM in the car park. As he had expected, it decided not to dispense any money. In addition it spewed out a cryptic message, in English, that made no sense whatsoever. Some nonsense about the screen being wrong. Just to make sure, Pancho unhopefully tried again. PIU walked past in that moment and her English being exceptionally good for Thai standards he asked her to translate what the machine said in Thai. Her confused expression eventually told him that the Thai message was just as nonsensical.
The three had a slight issue now. Not having any money Pancho could not really do the shopping he had intended to. He especially wanted to buy a cheap guitar for entertainment on his travels. He found several other ATMs but each single one seemed to have some issue or another. Pancho’s heart simply throbbed with love for technology that did not work the way it was supposed to. But what made Pancho truly jubilate was that it was impossible to find out whether it was the ATMs that did not accept the foreign card or whether it was the card that did not function.
Over a Vietnamese Lunch Pancho let the annoyance briefly overcome him. It would be a lot of work to sort this thing out and the real issue was that Ubon was too far away to simply hop over and try it out again.
Eventually resigning to his fate he made the wise decision to just enjoy the day. They would still be able to browse for guitars without buying after all. But before this enjoyable part PIU had to buy her return plane ticket to Bangkok. This was only possible at the actual airport. Pancho found small airports quite fascinating. They felt more like a trainstation that an airport. While PIU rushed inside to purchase her ride home, Pinball and Pancho waited in the car in front of the terminal. Out of nowhere two ladies walked by in front of the car. There being nothing else to do, or to converse about (limited vocabulary tends to have this effect) Pinball asked Pancho whether he thought them pretty. Only having caught a glimpse of them and wanting to position himself tactically soundly (He was not sure whether to be truthful or always say that Thai women were beautiful) He simply said he had not seen properly. The two men not wanting to sit around any longer decided to inspect more closely. They followed the ladies into the terminal. Inside it was easy to tell that not many flights actually left from this airport. The emptiness was nearly overwhelming. Pancho’s X-ray like gaze finally spied the two women standing in front of a bank. Seeing an ATM close beside them his extraordinarily bright self realized that he had a perfectly legitimate excuse to get closer. Thus he casually strolled over to use the ATM. Just having stuck his card into the machine he realized that these women were not at all of his taste. In fact without trying to be rude, they made a very good impression from behind, but their faces were a dire disappointment. Pancho turned away quickly. Not wanting to blow his cover, especially after his little realization, he thought he may as well actually try the ATM. This proved to be a most extraordinary turn of events that not even good old Pancho had anticipated.
And to his amazement the machine actually paid out the required amount of money to him. Pancho could not quite believe it. Overjoyed at being solvent once again and amazed at his luck (or had he just been incredibly unlucky before?) he returned to Pinball, who had evidently made the same observation about the girls.
Thoroughly relieved that Pancho had been spared further hassles in this matter he managed to enjoy the rest of the afternoon thoroughly, including the purchase of a cheap guitar (It turned out that the guitar quality was even cheaper than the price)

Banok, Banok! (Countryside, countryside)

Pancho lived in the country. This was what he believed to be the proper country side in Thailand. Considering there was little else than rice fields around the village one could assume that Pancho was correct, as he usually was.
But as he had experienced so often before, the kingdom of Thailand was full of surprises. On a singularly normal day he was invited by his program coordinator to join another teacher and her in their visit to her sister. This sister’s house, he was informed, was situated in the real countryside. Pancho had no idea what to expect until the car left the highway, then the proper road, then the pothole filled road, then the strange cement road that they have in small countryside villages, and when they even left the usual dusty field road and found themselves traveling along a strip of dust in between fields and jungle he sort of managed to get an inkling of what had been meant. Somewhere along this winding off road track was finally his coordinator’s sister’s house. It was in the middle of the forest. Ponds surrounded it on every side. One of these was actually quite large and clear and used for bathing. However, what impressed Pancho most was the serene quietness of the place. One could hear no cars or any other indications of “civilization”. The House did not even have electricity as Pancho found out. What made people move from a “civilized” job and home in Bangkok to the exact opposite in the country side was somewhat of a mystery to him, however he could definitely understand the beauty and tranquility of the place. Still, having to travel a few kilometers before one even got a glimpse of another person was something he might enjoy on a holiday but not as a constant living situation. Pancho needed people that he could inspire with his greatness. Individuals that he could show the beauty of life to and the supreme ability that one could achieve within. The 10 puppies in this place, called Kapok, Kapek, Kapik, Kadok, Kadek, Kadik... could not really replace this.
None the less Pancho enjoyed his visit in the real country side. He actually noticed that he had completely missed his afternoon classes due to this excursion. In light of the special experience he did not think it was that dramatic, especially since he really doubted that the children actually remembered anything as soon as they left the class room.
One the way home Pancho noticed something for the first time while being in Thailand. He had overseen it many times but afterwards saw them everywhere. It was a hemp plantation. At first Pancho did not quite trust his keen eyesight, but while driving along the dusty tracks he turned his head fully to witness the sight and was more than surprised to see it. Something so blatant would be impossible in most densely populated and “civilized” countries. But here, where things were held more agricultural and the whole village depended on the farmers’ income such things seemed to be the way of life. As Pancho had not witnessed any Thais actually consuming marijuana he guessed that it was cultivated for export. Another western influence on Thailand that seemed to be all about making money.

Weakness? Please...

Pancho, in his insatiable drive for excellence was close to being as perfect as any human could possibly be. He had a vast intellect not measurable by any means. Socially he was so extravagantly adept that not even unconquerable cultural barriers could mask his charm. Physically, he was as good looking as Eros himself. He had the strength of a hundred men and was as quick as lightning. But really, facing the honest truth, even the most perfect of creations could only be as perfect as his surroundings would let him be. For all his incredible and amazing characteristics he had to have some kind of weakness, some kind of feature that gave the rest of the world a chance against this demigod.
He discovered his first weakness in Thailand. It was an earth shattering moment for Pancho’s infinite self esteem. He finally had to make the regrettable discovery that there were dangers that he could succumb to after all. One of these dangers had been for a month now, the Thai food. He had grown used to the taste and being able to stand the relative spiciness of it when he ate it. But his digestive tract had not grown adapted to it with the speed one would hope. If he ate too much of the very spicy foods (and to western standards these would generally count as deadly) he would soon after recognize a feeling of unease in his belly. This would be the inevitable sign that Pancho would have to visit the bathroom a few times until equilibrium was restored. In order to maintain his social image of being invincible Pancho controlled himself in these circumstances and made sure that the effect on him was not noticeable. His unlimited depth of self discipline made this possible. Except for once. This one time, was not solely due to the food being spicy but more along the lines of Pancho falling into the trap of hubris.
He had once again been invited to lunch by his trusted and dear advisor. The meal was to be held at school and delivered from a restaurant.
In Thailand prepared food was always transported in plastic bags adeptly tied together at the top with a rubber band. This was in fact a very effective way of containing the food. The air pressure within the bag protected the food inside while one could keep sauces and so apart until one actually was about to eat it. Additionally any kind of accidents were virtually impossible due to the airtight seal that the rubber bands created.
For this meal Pancho had chosen a food called Suki. It was a seafood dish, mainly prawns, that was mixed with quite a tasty sauce. Pancho not having prepared food before found that the disaster began unfolding at this point. He was not certain as to how much sauce should go on the meal. So as there was the same amount of sauce bags as meals he logically deduced that it was one bag per meal. Hence Pancho dumped the whole bag on the food. His advisors face instantaneously reacted with a look of surprise and then foreboding. Her words in a joking tone told Pancho not to cry due to the spiciness of the sauce. As a matter of fact Pancho’s already toughened taste buds did not find the meal too spicy. And to begin with he was under the impression that there was the right amount of sauce on the food. The more Pancho had eaten however the more he noticed that the sauce was a certain hindrance when trying to taste the rest of the food. But being quite full already his mind did not waste any further energy on this issue.
This saved energy was fully consumed after the end of school. Just while heading home his gut suddenly felt strangely uncomfortable, something Pancho had not felt before. In his glorious life of exuberant joy he had simply never been acquainted with discomfort. And before he knew it, he was using his stunning physique to rush to the toilet at home. Pancho barely made it without accident, but he made it none the less, keeping the slate clean and his unconquerable might intact.
When he had eventually overcome his gut’s few moments of rebellion he thought the matter had been dealt with. But he was mistaken. Not being experienced in such issues of weakness he was all too gullible in believing that things could go back to what they had been before. Pancho had to rush back to the toilet a further 4 times in order to prevent disaster. His digestive system took a further few days till it functioned properly again and he actually had the impression that it took a few weeks longer than that to fully adapt to the Thai food properly or so he thought. One new thing he had learned however. He would certainly not again drop a complete bag of sauce on any meal ever again, without tasting first.

The days of prohibition

Pancho, being one of healthy European descent was not one to dislike a little treat now and again. A little beer here, some wine there, it was all quite good for the body and soul he was convinced, in moderation naturally.
Just as Thailand had changed his preferences concerning dogs already, he found them an utter nuisance by now, Pancho’s impression of alcohol was changing as well.
Back home he was accustomed to having a drink for the sake of its taste. A healthy Guinness or a full red wine had a certain tasteful allure to them. But in Thailand things were slightly different. Pancho had a knack for making keen observations about cultural discrepancies but this one did not even require a keen eye to notice. In fact it was a special feature of the north eastern region of Thailand as he had been told. This region, called Esan (there are various spellings for it), is considered the most traditional region of Thailand, where the rice is grown and the population lives in the countryside. And Pancho lived in the thick of it. The only thing surrounding his village where endless rice fields.
As mentioned previously, there was often nothing to do which featured in the men choosing to drink frequently.
Pancho in his wise opinion put this down to the lack of technical distractions available. Computers and the internet existed; its full potential never seemed to be exploited however.
In any case, Pancho had frequently attended sessions of drinking whiskey and soda just for the sake of drinking. These sessions actually went so far that Pancho no longer enjoyed himself.
In his days back in Britain Pancho, with his exquisite need for challenging stimulation, had found that lounging around with the same people frequently, having a pint or two eventually became quite dull and boring. In fact and despite his immense empathical abilities he did not understand those fellows who chose to do this every evening after work, for their whole life. Evidently such activities, boring under normal circumstances achieve a far more compelling reason to commit suicide when in an environment where one does not even understand the language. Thus Pancho had developed a general aversion against Esan’s social drinking. Some occasions however were simply necessary and inevitable.
One of these was his host family’s party. Having returned from a thorough and rigorous day of work Pancho was greeted by his host brother Pinball. His mother had won a tidy sum in the weekend lottery which naturally called for a celebration. What was meant by celebration was all too clear to Pancho’s incredibly sharp wit. And even with his new found aversion to drinking he could not deny the logical necessity for such a party. Social necessity made it not only futile but risky to decline this invitation. And Pancho as a true tactical genius, comparable to the likes of Hannibal, did not take uncalculated risks.
Thus, soon after, he was sitting in company of the family’s workers, a nice bunch of guys and his host brother. The drink of choice however was not the usual whiskey and soda but the exquisitely cheap Thai vodka. A few snappy shots in, Pancho was immensely confident about being able to weather this evening successfully. He had just eaten an ample amount of Esan food and the alcohol seemed to be taking little effect. But as many experiences as one may have made in a lifetime, one is never too old to learn a new one.
One or two hours later, after having incessantly declared that he was not yet drunk (The unwritten rules of manliness demand this), Pancho was full heartidly bustling along. In fact, thinking back to that fateful evening there were scenes that he could not recall quite confidently. Despite the very light tipsiness it turned out to be a jolly night and he did finally make it to bed at a reasonable time.
The next morning was a different matter.
As soon as Pancho regained consciousness he was certain that something was not quite in order. He turned off his alarm and lay there for a moment pondering what could possibly be out of line. Finally he had an inkling of what it may be. A slightly delicate head and nondescript stomach pointed in the general direction of a hangover. However Pancho could not be quite certain.
In fact he had no time to be philosophical. His alarm had rung for a reason. He was due for Thai boxing training that morning.
The issue in Thailand, as his immense cultural knowledge would attest (he had heard such things) was that the teacher was the students’ role model. Role models do not have hangovers because they do not get drunk. The problem for Pancho was as follows. First of all he had no way of contacting his coach to cancel. Secondly and more importantly his coach being one of the school’s students he could not let him know that his discomfort was due to a tiny bit too much vodka. Such revelations would thoroughly endanger his students’ respect.
So Pancho, as a real man, swung himself out of bed and lightheartedly brushed away the misery. His first stop was the bathroom due to an uncertain wooziness in the stomach region. After this preemptive stop he felt slightly better despite something a weaker character might refer to as a splitting headache. Pancho’s next step in recuperation was to drink a healthy amount of water. He cracked open one of the bottles he kept in his room and downed the whole thing. Next, he carefully slipped on his training clothes and headed downstairs. With his shoes finally on he was ready to set out. The head pounded amiably, the stomach rejoiced in the marvel of bipedal travel, but Pancho knuckled down. The first few steps seemed mildly uncomfortable but then, while his feet pounded the tarmac heavily, he had an epiphany. Running was actually equally as painful as standing around!
So after a short while, Pancho reached the training ground, and with the excuse of being very tired conducted and easy set on the sand bag. He was relieved when the time finally came to return back home. With copious amounts of water and a refreshing shower Pancho was convinced to have evaded the worst, but soon he realized that his thinking apparatus must have been affected by the vodka as well. His normal solution of doing sports when hung over did not quite work that day.
Food was one of the things he absolutely did not desire. Accordingly Pancho was immensely grateful for his host grandmother’s vigilant eye. She knew exactly that he had not eaten and that he would need sustenance for the long day ahead. Not being able to admit that he was slightly incapacitated Pancho sat down and ate lightly, what he could get down.
His bike ride to school was a welcome relief from any kind of human interaction. In Pancho’s experience conversation and a hangover did not mix well. Hung over individuals were best left to their own devices. Trying to concentrate on conversation just tended to make things worse.
When he finally reached school he was overjoyed to remember that he had to teach the first 3 periods. It seemed to him at this moment that that lottery win had been utterly bad luck for him. His students, at times frustrating even when sober loomed ominously in his mind now. But being an ultimately positive kind of guy Pancho took the challenge head on. Admittedly the first lesson was a struggle. Holding a conversation while feeling slightly off is enjoyable enough, teaching a class of unresponsive and mind numbed robots was in a completely different league. But there was no time or room for self pity in Pancho’s life. He had inflicted this pain upon himself and thus he had to pay the price.
And eventually he did come through. Having finished the third lesson and being free for the rest of the day Pancho actually felt quite normal again. The morning sports and forced meal seemed to have had an effect after all. In any case his recuperation had been far faster than in similar situations when left to wallow in misery and despair. Again Pancho’s superior intellect seemed to have given birth to a sound theory of life. Hangovers were best dealt with immediately and without remorse, no matter how bad.
Returning home in the afternoon to play football with his host brother Pancho discovered that the other member’s of the drinking party had themselves suffered serious consequences from last night. However Pancho doubted that they had been as bad as his. Conversing with the fellows did teach him another valuable lesson however. Having admitted a slight uncomfort to Pinball and the family workers the whole village suddenly seemed to know about the event and did not leave out any opportunity to mention it. Getting drunk was no longer an option, especially not in the village.
The universe in its infinite mystery seemed to be set on testing Pancho’s new resolutions. That night he was actually offered another drink by the family workers. Eyeing them suspiciously Pancho told them that they were clearly crazy. He followed this up with the announcement that from then on he would only drink on weekends. On weekdays drinking would be prohibited.
In all honesty this was primarily an excuse not to be bored to death by the usual drinking sessions but just as much due to the fact that Pancho was beginning to fear for his liver and other organs. He had been in the village for a mere month. Such dangers had to be held in check lest it end badly for him.

Three circles of hell

As a country fairly different to the civilised western standard, Thailand has a number of gruelling rituals on offer. One stood out especially vividly in Pancho’s exceptional memory.
The date of this occasion was the 09.09.09. Many westerners would choose this memorable date for weddings and all. In Thailand, where the number 9 is considered lucky, this was a day to revere the King and the monks. Accordingly Pancho’s complete school assembled in the sports hall or assembly hall as it was actually called, to face the entire congregation of Phunee’s monks. Despite the village’s population of a mere thousand there seemed to be a vast multitude of monks reaching well into the hundreds.
In any case, ignoring this staggering number, Pancho and his host mother rushed,after arriving regrettably late, into position on one of the spread out orange carpets. The whole school sat on these carpets forming several long rows that reached till the back of the hall. Every person present had a large jar or basket filled to the brim with all sorts of snacks. Pancho had been kindly supplied by his host mother. The ceremony not having started yet everybody sat comfortably cross legged or any other way they fancied.
As the school principle entered the hall and sat down centrally any chatter died down. Pancho’s famously accurate sixth sense now felt an ominous dread overcome him. Not quite able to place the dread however he decided to go with the flow. The microphone was handed to the principle and prayers began. This was finally the signal for everybody in the hall to sit up and kneel, which they accomplished either by sitting with the tops of their feet flat on the ground or by resting on the balls of their feet. Pancho initially tried out both but very quickly found the latter to be slightly less uncomfortable. Prayers now rotated between what seemed to be the head priest and the school’s principle. At intervals the whole congregation would bow low to the ground three times and then return to the kneeling position with hand palms touching each other in prayer. Pancho had never had so much fun.
It only took him a few minutes to understand what that ominous gloom had been a few moments earlier. The Thais seemed thoroughly accustomed to sitting in these truly uncivilised positions. Pancho however had not been engaging in such exercises since birth and an ache not to be underestimated slowly crept up both his legs. Alas, there was nothing to be done. The hum drum of prayer went on. The bowing went on. And Pancho’s brilliant mind went on in the pointless struggle to discover a means of escape…
Suddenly his search for enlightenment was interrupted. Pancho’s hostmother had decided to translate some of the prayers and explain the situation. At this point in time Pancho broke out in a terrible sweat. His legs, ankles and feet felt like they were falling off. He would have been happy to concentrate only on the pain radiating up his limbs but every few seconds he would now also have to nod to signify that he was at least trying to pay attention to his host mother’s words. How Pancho rejoiced in that situation. Being a polite kind of person and in order to save face he could not permit to stir one muscle in his face that could reveal his discomfort. Any weaker soul might have cracked and crumbled under this torturous ordeal, but not Pancho. He kneeled tall and bright above the crowd, a serene emptiness spread across his face paired with the occasional nod of pure understanding that he presented to his followers.
And then it finally ended. After what seemed like an eternity, the monks stood up and slowly queued down the many isles, opening their food bowls to receive the morsels that had been brought.
Pancho gratefully accepted this chance and collapsed elegantly into a cross legged position. His shirt was drenched and his legs still screeched in pain but he was truly happy that the time had finally come to give away all this food to the monks.
Fleeing the scene soon after, the usual morning assembly was still to take place, Pancho found himself in the English department quietly relishing a few moments of painless silence under a refreshing draft from the ceiling fan.
In that moment of peace, Pancho believed he only had the ordeal of teaching left before him that day. But how wrong he was.
Having returned home for a quick afternoon slumber he was awoken to the arrival of several teachers. Among them was his dear advisor who had invited him out to dinner. Not sensing the peril at hand Pancho joined the other 3 teachers in the car as merrily as possible and set out to Ubon. After about an hour’s drive of leisurely talk and relaxed banter they arrived at the restaurant or resort as they are often called in Thailand. In these strange and secretive places an entire room is rented out for dinner, including a karaoke set that is always used without exemption. Arriving at this restaurant Pancho was only mildly surprised to find a multitude of other teachers from his school arriving as well. And after a short while they all crammed into the little room and the food started rolling in.
Having taken a step towards healthier living recently Pancho decided not to drink that night. This constituted the second near fatal error of the day in Pancho’s usually infallible thought process.
Dinner was a trifle, a mere matter of an hour. Everybody seemed to fill up quite quickly. But contrary to Pancho’s hope of a speedy return to the seclusion of his home, what ensued was a type of hideous mental torture one did not encounter all too frequently. The whole karaoke session lasted for a record shattering 6 hours! You, the reader, can imagine what this might be like when one knows and at least understands the songs being sung. Pancho however had soon completely drained the repertoire of English songs available and was thus forth condemned to listen to Thai songs while watching background videos from the 1980’s that kept repeating over and over. The icing on the cake was that there was again absolutely no way of escape. The “party” (these occasions are called parties in Thailand) was organised for the benefit of his advisor. Not only was he required to stay out of mere politeness, but he was well out of reach of getting home on his own. So the two virtues of endurance and fortitude were called upon once again.
With repeated attempts to finish the party, new songs kept popping up ho and fro. The 5 minute doses of anguish added up until the whole group called it a day at around 11pm. Pancho drained of any life energy was mildly delighted. After a few short minutes in the car the proposal was made to make a stop for a light midnight snack. Not too disinclined, dinner having been about five hours ago, Pancho gave a full hearted indication of not really minding.
20 minutes later all four of the car’s passengers sat at a late night restaurant in Ubon with a significant amount of food in front of them.
Thailand’s customs and foods sometimes had a peculiar effect on his stomach. This effect not frequently resulted in a sudden and strong urge to go to the bathroom. Thai traditional bathrooms, as they are still found in most places in Thailand, are squatting toilets with a complementary bucket of water, no flush mechanism and no toilet paper. It is easy to understand why Pancho generally avoided using these facilities. On one occasion he even endured several hours of a bus ride which required immense amounts of concentration.
This time however, with a lot of food before him Pancho saw himself forced to finally submit. How he wished he had visited the bathroom back at that relatively clean karaoke party.
At this point it would be impolite and immoral to go into any graphic details, however it can easily be imagined that this third unpleasant experience completed the day for Pancho. Having eventually reappeared at the table, all clean and suitable to take part in a meal of course, and after battling sleep on the drive back home, Pancho could proudly say that he had proven his capabilities under duress and had grown immensely that day. Not many people could claim to have been tortured repeatedly under such strange circumstance. But naturally, a true gentleman does not brag and so Pancho managed to fall asleep light heartedly knowing that he had stood up to yet another of those strange challenges that Thailand managed to sprout.